I am 57 yrs old. I have just realized that it really took until now to say, “What about me?” In terms of life, marriage, kids, education, everything. What about me? I’ve given so much, put nearly anyone else first. Now, I get to say, what about me?
Last night Clyde and I were talking about all sorts of stuff. A lot of it was family related -his and mine. He and I just have so many situations in common it’s unreal. There are times when I really wonder if we are not more closely related, and yet, I know we are not. But, it dawned on me…. and I have been on/off close to tears since making this realization. And I wish I was still in therapy because I really think I could use it right now.
My sister tells me she wants me to stop talking about my parents, publicly, because mistakes happen, and she loves everyone, and I am hurting her feelings. I get all that. But, last night it dawned on me… I was the one that got told by my father that I deserved to die. I was the one told to open the glove compartment so that I could see there was a giant knife in there while that statement was being made. Do you think maybe I took that as a threat to my life??? You can bet your damn bottom dollar that I took that as a threat to my life. I was all of 15 or 16 when that happened.
Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy living that I am still processing this crap. That’s the bottom line!
No one’s hurt feelings comes before mine at this point in my life. No ones! I’ve lived through enough.
For some reason, I see even my sister asking me to quit talking about this as a form of abuse. I get that it hurts her feelings, but I don’t get why in the world I should shut up about mine. We are at opposite ends I guess.
I am afraid, that I have probably lost her. I don’t know for sure. I know my sister would NEVER purposely hurt me. And I had realized already that she really doesn’t get that she’s part of the old guard in terms of how she’s reacting to all this. I know that my talking about this has caused her to leave Facebook.
Until very, very recent years, I’ve really never taken the time to make my problems or issues about me so much. I think it’s just time and I think it’s a good thing. I’m sorry if I hurt other people. The fact of the matter is, that my Facebook page is not by default marked public. My opinions, pains, and joys are shared with friends only. I even have my “friends” divided up. The most personal of personal is only shared with people that I consider close friends or family. I don’t hide any thing from family because the younger ones, in my opinion, deserve the truth. And I will tell ya, there is no my truth or dad’s truth when it comes to telling a kid they deserve to die –no matter what the reason was. At the time though, he said it was because I was too much like my mother. That side of the family was rough, tough, and frickin’ mean as hell. That is just the truth. And there are reasons for it all. And NO, I don’t consider threatening a child’s life as a “mistake”.
Someone in their late 30’s knows exactly what they are saying and doing, and saying something like that to your own daughter is just outrageous and uncalled for on ANY level. I did not deserve then, and I don’t deserve the associated issues that I’ve dealt with my entire life. People who try to shut people down, people like me, are only showing their own ignorance when they do that. They are showing how uneducated they are about the matter. They are showing that they are the one’s who are more than willing to sweep the crap under the rug. I do not belong to that club. I have NEVER belonged to that club. My step-father would have never ended up in jail if I belonged to that club. And I would not be as far as I am in life (which by normal standards, I’m not all that far at all) if I were part of that club. I would not be striving for mental health for myself and my kids if I were part of that club. I’ve had BOTH feet in that club without even consciously knowing it for years and years and years…. nothing is ever going to change that now.
In fact, when you consider just about any action I’ve ever taken in my life, it goes back to the fact that I’ve actively striven to 1.) break the cycle 2.)Not sweep anything under the rug.
I’ve given, and I’ve given….played the martyr, been the good wife, good mother, gave up education, health, lifespan, time… done everything expected of someone my gender and MORE. “What about Me?”
I am the most emotionally healthy member of my original primary family. That is just the facts. And yet, the fall out and the costs are terribly great. And yet, it still…really, really feels so bad. There will come a day when a broken heart will most certainly get the better of me, one way or another.