Just a Short Note!

Hi there, 

Just a note.  I’m job hunting.  I have a cover letter and resume on the website.
Click “about” above, and then when that menu pops up, click “Contact.”
From there you’ll see links to my cover letter and resume!  🙂 Thanks!! Peg

Link to my cover letter

Link to my resume

 
Posted in Women's Rights | Leave a comment

A Once in a Lifetime Experience

Last weekend, during one of the nights, Clyde and I had a once in a lifetime experience.  I’ve fantasized about it for years.  Told him before we even considered marriage that it was something I had been looking into before meeting him.  He had no interest.  I weighed the good and bad and decided that he was worth shelving what I wanted, even if it meant the rest of my life.  Up it went, in my mind, on the highest shelf.  Way up over my head. 

I had a book once,.  It was called, “The Ethical Slut.”  I had a daughter ask to borrow it.  I’ve never seen it since.  Funny how your very own kids think they can walk off with your stuff and you are ok with it.  Funny, how the parents know it and keep their mouths shut about it to save face.  Sort of.  Obviously, I just opened my mouth about it.  The imperfection or rather the dysfunction in the family runs wide and deep.  Another daughter thought that she could walk off with one of my mixing bowls and that it would be ok.  Later she informed me she did it.  There was no question about if it was ok with me.  Actually, my bowls walking away from home has happened a couple of times.  If my kids decide they want something, they have a tendency to take.  Should my kids decide something of mine isn’t worth their time and effort to wash (or whatever) they toss it.  They think I do not know.  Is this a common parental complaint?  I’ve never heard a parent complain of these things.  I know I’d never dared take anything of my parents out of their house without their permission. Where do people get off? Where do my kids get off?

I digress…  🙂 Normal for me.  

I digress but, I want you to know that I am tickled pink about the situation I find myself in; it is mind blowing, it made me happy, it boosted my confidence.  I got a thrill.  I had so much fun and so did Clyde.  If you have not read, “The Ethical Slut” then please note, it is about open relationships.  Open, committed, truthful, trusting, loving relationships.  IF you have trouble with reading about that then please just click to another website.   But, if you wonder at all.  Here is my opinion based on my very first experience with a threesome where the ultimate goal is a polyamorous relationship.  I am aware btw, that one experience does not make a for a quality opinion.  Perhaps.

I heard about and started studying the idea of polyamory back around 2002.  Met Clyde in late 2003, or early 2004.  I think in Feburary 2004.  My first saved chats are from early March 2004.  By 2004, I’d read a few books, and other media.  I’d talked to a few people and I was persuing relationships with people that might lead me to that outcome.  Though, I’m not a person to confront an issue or a person necessarily, I am the person who will cross that bridge when I get to it.  I had two couples I was talking to, both in the Bay Area.  But, I gave it up. Over time, I came to believe permanantly. To have a relationship with Clyde who wanted monogamy. 

Well, going back even further in my history, Girlfriends have been kind of hard for me to keep.  My first serious girlfriend was a neighbor girl.  No, not that kind of girlfriend.  Just a friend girlfriend. We were both little. We met when I was in kindergarten I suppose.  Her maybe first grade.  I really don’t remember that far back in terms of friendships.  I do remember Mrs. Newall my first grade teacher though.  She pulled my hair for talking too much in class. LOL.  That first girlfriend was fine until she hit her teen years.  She was a little older than I was.  I hit my 10th birthday, and that was the end of my innocence.  Everything changed. She touched me in ways that I was not prepared for yet.  I said no, but everything she said was yes.  She was older, more dominant, and pushier-and got her way.  Over time, I learned to enjoy the attention, which from what I understand is pretty normal under those circumstances.  But, the effects were profound.

At that time I had no clue what a lesbian was, and in my world no one talked about it anyway. I did not hear the word until I hit Junior High.  I did not hear the term “Bi” until even later, probably as a young adult.  But from Junior High on, I had two problems, I really enjoyed looking at girls, and what in the world was I going to do if I were lesbian.  If I ever was one, I kept it closeted until my early 40’s.  And no, I don’t think I am one now.  But, once upon a time, I thought I might be.  My mother had made it very, very clear that marriage was between one man and one woman.  Nature would have it no other way.  Once I knew that was the only allowable outcome I knew I was in trouble if my parents found out.  I had no one to tell, no one to talk to, no one who would listen.  I just had no one.  To say I was confused in the rest of my growing up years would be an understatement.  The confusion persisted for a long, long time after that too.  

The first person I tried to open up to was my first husband.  Who heard me out sort of.  I was in tears.  I thought I was mentally ill.  I was crying my eyes out when I told him.  I was begging him not to take any potential future children away from me. This young man that I was married to, had much more experience in the world than I had had.  He once told me he and a friend found  a stash of magazines (porn), etc. all, adult in nature, so he had some education.  You’d thought he’d hugged me and reassured me even if, it was saying something like, “its going to be ok.”  But, nope, he turned looked at me, and asked me to sleep with his sister and let him watch.  I tried to talk to his mother about it, because she was pretty understanding and open minded, I thought.  She was quick to react, and shut me down.  She said what happened was sick and it should have never happened.  Then she was done, and that was it.  

My next “girlfriend” I met as a sophmore in high school.  She was a year or so older, and to be honest, she was my best friend until I was in my 40s.  We both had our issues, but she is a wee bit more judgemental than I am.  Not nearly as open minded, curious.  She’s also pretty hypocritical in a lot of ways. To actually admit that I might be bi or lesbian would have been a big no-no with her.  I kept my mouth shut knowing that, she judges where she really has no reason to judge.  After all she’s never been perfect.  The truth is though, she helped me through some really tough times, and I do still miss her.  I might have talked to her about it what my first girlfriend did to me, I honestly do not remember.  If I did, she was the first person who was “non-judgemental” about it.  Which would have been good for me.  I needed some acceptance, and support.  Pretty sure I told her actually.  She supported the child victim very well.  But, I never told her about all the confusion it caused.  It felt it would never be safe. There were times I tried.  I’d ask questions and try to send out feelers to see if it was safe.  I always thought that the answer to that was, “no.”

If you have a secret and want it kept secret then don’t tell her.  I was in the hospital and getting a pacemaker when she informed my then boyfriend, Clyde about my history.  The history she had no right to inform him of.  He let me get to feeling better then he told me what she said.  Mostly I had to say, yes, that happened.  Other times, it was more like, “that is what I suspect, but I don’t actually have a real memory of it.”    I tried to be truthful, and I think I did alright, he stuck around.  I never said anything to her about it.  It would have been wasted breath to be honest about it.  People are who they are, and I’d figured that one out.  It was part of the price I paid for having her for a friend.  

Clyde and I had a great game early in our relationship.  I’d see a cute gal and I’d tell him we could look together. LOL.  Eventually, I’d say, ‘go and get her, but you gotta share.’  He’d just chuckle at me.  We had discussions about what I was looking for.  He made it clear he wasn’t interested.  Mostly I let it go.  But, every spring, the pull or whatever it might be called would start all over again.  For the longest time, year after year, it seemed to only get worse.  My attraction to women was not going away, and in fact it was getting worse.  Somewhere around year 13 or 14 into our marriage I flat out told him that if a gal offered, I’d have a hard time turning away.  I wanted to know who/what I am.  It took time, but Clyde admitted he’d spent time with a couple, where the husband would watch tv while the wife was in the bedroom with a girlfriend.  He was pretty sure he could do that too.  I had permission.  But, he still had no interest in polyamory.  Or at least that is what he said.  

Keep in mind that this is the short sweet version of the story.  He once asked what I thought about him bringing home an old girlfriend.  I said no. He asked why, and I said because the experts remind us that the ex’s are our ex’s for a reason, and WE did not need the baggage. Its been a learning situation for both of us as we learned to play nice, and I have to admit, it was me who needed to learn to play nice.  When you realize you are with the person you were meant to be for the rest of your life, and you know, from experience you never want that person to feel as if you took them for granted, you (or rather I) bent over bacwards to not start fights.  To keep my voice down.  My temper under control.  To never push him to any limits where he would need feel the need to leave, or give up on us. I think I did well.  

We had met up with two couples as well.  One couple we saw several times and had a couple of dates.  One couple we went out camping with.  But, in the process of getting to know each other, one couple had a gal, Robin, who was not so nice once she decided that we were not committing soon enough to suit her, and the other couple, Mike & Tammy,  moved somewhere else.  I will say, if I’d had the opportunity, I’m sure I’d moved to where they did too.  Its just how it worked out.  The man did kiss me goodbye, we thought we were going to meet again.  But, it was not meant to be.  I pointed out to Clyde that a kiss had happened.  He seemed to have no issues what so ever.  This shocked me.  

It has taken us nearly 20 full years before I found someone (a gal) who was suitable to be both a friend and partner.  At this point, for me.  Because I thought that is how it would go.  But, I prepared this friend for the hoped eventual outcome from my point of view, if we all liked, if we all agreed, etc., polyamory, a person we could commit to and taken in as another committed person in our relationship was the goal.  I told her we did not necessarily have to live together, but we would consider it a marriage at some point. She said she was willing to try it. She & I promised to go slow because our friendship was way more important than anything else.  That is still so true.  She is my new best girlfriend.  We’ve clicked, and I mean right off the bat.  She knows what to say and when to say it.  She just says all the right things.  She seems so sincere.  Her face is just the cutest.  Shes a little younger but reasonable, I’m not really robbing any cradles and neither would be Clyde.  Old enough for consent.  LOL.  Willing to try anything twice, and that’s a quote. 

We’ve been talking nearly a year now.  Had been talking nearly six months by the time we met in August at Stewart Park.  She was very excited.  Clyde was very sick.  We had so much we had to go through.  Husband needed a new aortic valve. The neighbor I was caring for was now on hospice.  Hospice had called me and told me that I was his ‘person’.  I was given instruction in how to give the man morphine.  I went into crisis mode.  Which meant that everyone was kept at arms length as I tried very hard to manage and prevent any fall out at home.  My big fear of course, was that one or the other of the men (Clyde & the neighbor) would die with me not there.  I was committed to caring for both, two households. 

Keeping anyone at an arms length; its just what I do.  I am not sure she had realized.  Once we talked for a couple of hours at the park and  then we each went home.  Clyde & I one way, and she the other.  Then we met again in early February this year (2023).  She was homeless and living with a young couple with small children.  I told her when she was ready for a break to let me know, and I’d pick her up and bring her over for a weekend or whatever kind or length of vacation she wanted/needed.  She came for three days.  Then I took her back.  In terms of physical relationship goes, nothing more than a few pecks happened.  It was purely, in my mind,  a developing friendship.  My idea was to truly give her a vacation.  She was tired from helping with small children and coping with sleeping on a couch.  We did flirt just a little bit.  

Within a few days she let me know she missed our home and how quiet and peaceful it was. How much she missed us.  How amorous she was feeling. I told her that I really wanted to talk to Clyde.  His second stroke had left him with some memory deficiet.  I wanted to be sure he remembered all the conversations we’d had over the years.  I wanted to be sure I wasn’t going to shock him with my potential behavior.  I wanted to be sure he was still ok with it.  Even though I’ve talked to him many times about the subject, and even though he’d never had a bad response about any of it, I was scared to bring it up.  The man has never been anything but supportive and loving toward me.  Those old feelings of fear come from my past, and sometimes they overwhelm me.  My girlfriend and I continued to talk every few days.  Again I’d told her when she was ready for a vacation to let me know.  She only took a couple weeks, and she was ready to escape. 

Last weekend she came for another visit.  The last weekend in February.  By this time, we both knew we were interested in one another on a physical level.  There was no if, ands, or buts about that part of it.  I was still trying to keep her at arms length, but, it was because I still had not talked to Clyde.   She was very good at telling me what she was interested in.  We were both pretty sure we were “in love” though I held back for fear of being wrong and not wanting to hurt anyone (and that is still where I am standing).  She is makes it clear she loves us both.  Her birthday was the last day she was with us.  It was her 55th. 

On her birthdays eve, I told her I wanted to get a shower, and then talk to Clyde because I had chickened out, though I wasn’t so sure why I was so damn chicken.  Then I’d be back to “her room” to at the very least talk. I told her that if anything physical happened it would probably be just kisses as I still wanted to go slow.   Probably just talk is what I told myself.  Instead of getting straight into the shower, I went straight to talk to Clyde.  To make a little talk littler, he could not believe we had not had sex yet.  When I mentioned she was willing to be a wife, and refeered to her as mine, he corrected me, and called her, “our wife.”  He said, it all depended on she and I wanted.  Bottom line is if I was waiting for his permission there was no need to wait any longer.  I had been waiting for his permission.  I explained to him, that I did not want to feel as if I were sneaking around, and I wanted to be sure he was not going to be hurt.  The last thing in the world that I ever want to do is hurt him.  The more we talked the more excited I got.  I totally forgot about my plan. I realized that I needed to step out of the middle between she and him, and let them start interacting more.  She needed to be in on this conversation.  I went to where she was and told her what he’d said, and I grabbed her by the hands and led her to our combination bedroom/livingroom.  We all laid down on the bed, though, in my mind it was to talk not to have sex.  I don’t remember who said what, or why, or anything.  All I remember is hearing him saying he wanted to see us make out.  She reached over him and laid on the very best kiss.  Once we were done with kisses we each took our places on either side of him, he’d made it clear he wanted a girl on each side of him.  He proceeded to kiss her and she held his face in just the same way I do.  I knew that there was an intimacy there that she was willing to give and share with him.  There is no making a show of that, it’s real or its not.  It was real.  His smiles were real, and as I have pointed out to him he was consistently himself.  LOL.  He treated her with as much gentleness, and sweet touches as he does me.  I had absolutely no issues watching as he brought her over the edge.  As far as that is concerned, I had no issues helping. LOL.  

We all needed a rest.  Those two started to go at it again.  Which was fine.  Except that to get where they needed to go there needed to be a shift in the bed.  Suddenly there was no room for me, and that is where the “hard” feelings came.  To be dismissed shortly as I had asked for it. LOL.  I had also throughly enjoyed myself.  I left the room for that shower that I had meant to take earlier in the night.  

At one point, I looked at Clyde, and said, “honey, I think I am bi.”  He kind of chuckled in his way, and so did she.  Eventually, she went back to her bed, and we stayed in ours, and we went to sleep discussing just what to do about sleeping arrangements.  We can play musical beds I suppose.  She requires a hard bed.  I want a soft one.  We have both in the form of two queen sized mattresses.  I said to throw them on the floor side by side.  He doesn’t seem to be too interested in that.  I think we’ll slowly figure that out.  

The next day, I had an appointment at my advisors office at the local junior college.  He asked me how I was.  I told him, I was having a once in a lifetime kind of day, and its been great.  He waited for me to elaborate, whereas I had no intention. LOL I found out what math classes he’d have me take, gave he gave me some advice and I went on my happy way. 

Now, all I want to know is when is she coming back because I’m hearing I get my friend all to myself.  So, for now it’s one day at a time.  I’ve showed her our wedding/engagement ring arrangment and asked her if she was interested in matching rings if we ended up there.  She had a cute expression on her face, and I heard an affirmation.  She’s ready to be a wife and a friend.  Which really in today’s world Clyde and I needed to feel lucky for finding each other let alone another person who might be compatible.  There are a lot things that need to be discussed.  Lot’s of stuff to work out in terms of getting along. She is still actively dating and I for one do not expect her to stop.  But, what happens when she brings a boyfriend or girlfriend home.  All of that needs to be talked about.  

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my bliss.  Follow my bliss.  Enjoy the new found freedom,
and the affirmation that I can love men or women and its ok.    i will also throughly enjoy the fact that I am 60 years old, and still living life in the absolute fullest way I can.  I have my disabillities.  All three of us do.  

That was my once in a lifetime day. Funny thing, Clyde said in a tone of disbelief, “And it took us 20 years to go there?”   No, my family still has no clue.  I’m in no hurry to share.
I feel its no ones business until I am ready to share.  Though, I am confident that some family members read this blog.  Having said that, if they don’t like it, they can keep it to themselves. I’m doing what I want, and am going to relish the moments while they last.  I will also be actively looking to relish even more new experiences as well.  

Sex for me is a religious or at least a spiritual experience.  I believe it has its place in our recreational life.  I believe it can be used to bring people together in so many ways (Ask the bonoboos, um, chimps what it does for them).  It is so much more than an act to lead to the creation of life.  I believe that humans are fully capable of loving more than one person and if those loves are treated with respect, truth, and acts are looked at and acted upon ethically there isn’t a thing that can’t be worked out with lots of communication.  Polyamory, is a form for me at least, a way to celebrate the fact that we are living beings.  We embrace our humanity and share it intimately with others who also wish to celebrate.   Its our own private party! Join me! 

Have a great day!! P

 

 

 

 

 

For what its worth, this work is copyrighted 2023, to Peggy Ann Rowe-Snyder.
Please do not reuse in any form without permission.  Thank you. 

Posted in Culture, Lifestyle, Memories, Personal, Polyamory, Women's Rights | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Proud to be “Woke”

We here in America are used it meaning being awake in the past. (or something like that.) But, in other countries it can mean something else:

In this case, “Woke” is short for “Stay Woke.”

Conservatives have talked about being “woke” as if it were a bad thing. They have made it a campaign issue, of all the things to waste time and money on. It’s crazy!

Woke (/?wo?k/ WOHK) is an adjective derived from African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) meaning “alert to racial prejudice and discrimination”. Beginning in the 2010s, it came to encompass a broader awareness of social inequalities such as sexism, and has also been used as shorthand for American Left ideas involving identity politics and social justice, such as the notion of white privilege and slavery reparations for African Americans. (I encourage you to read this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woke)

But, for those who don’t trust Wikipedia here are a couple more links:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/woke

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/woke

Don’t read this one unless you can handle the f* word:
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Woke

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/woke

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a progressive agenda. Progressives have had a strong influence on where this country has come from. Without them, there would be no daycare, no women’s shelters, no birth control, no social security, and no help for the poor other than private institutions that can require you join their church or profess love of whatever it is they love.

I consider myself progressive anymore. I’m not even sure I fit in the democratic side of things (I’m talking party, not government). I think I fit more with Bernie Sanders and that group than anyone. Though I’d vote democrate before I’d see trump in office again. LOL. I’ve been called woke, as if it was a dirty name. The person had a look on his face as if I were the dirtiest person alive.

I know better. I’m proud to be woke. They can take their distaste and shove it.

Posted in Announcements, Fallacies, Political Crap, Politics, Prejudice, Racism | Leave a comment

TAVR to the rescue

I have been having discussions with family members/friends about how the system lets patients like Clyde get into such bad shape before they give them these procedures. And I’m not necessarily supportive of all the medical systems and routines. From my point of view, watching Clyde get sicker and sicker, I’ve been quite angry that they let him get so sick before doing something. I can’t think about it much right now. I get upset.  Now, having said that. The system is still relatively new. The TAVR systems started going into humans in 2002. In fact, the very first patient was a man about Clyde’s age. 59 vs. 57.
 

BTW, TAVR stands for: “transcatheter aortic valve replacement.” The idea first came into being in 1965. From the beginnings of the research came the idea of using the balloon to open an artery/valve. And today, as in Clyde’s case, a balloon was used to open the leaflets of the valve because they were kind of, in a way, glued nearly 100% shut by what comes down to cholesterol (calcification). The first balloon procedure on an aortic valve was done in 1985 on a 77-year-old inoperable female. Soon, two others had the procedures, and the outcomes were so good, that manufacturers started talking about coming up with specialty balloons. We still have not even gotten to the valve replacement part yet.

The first valve replacement in a human was done in the aortic vein in a valve that sits in the abdomen. At that time, it could not yet be used in the chest because there was nothing small enough in existence to do any of that procedure with. That was only seven years later, in 1992. By the way, that first one had a stainless steel chassis.
 

The next one was made of titanium, and it could go into a human aortic valve in the chest. It was sewn into a stent. It was first tested in sheep. What they had could be used in some places in the human body, but not in the aortic valve of the heart because, “…the arterial pressure is high…” This is what was going on in 2000.

In 2002 when the first aortic patient was implanted with a valvular device, he lived for four months after the implantation. He died of non-cardiac related reasons though. The valve had done an excellent job.

 

A couple of companies jumped in to come up with more choices and doctors began to experiment with finding out just what was the best way to go about implanting these things. In from one side of the valve, or the other??

The bottom line to this all is that this has
been a work in progress and in fact it still is!

The FDA finally approved the device in 2012, but only for critically ill patients who were at high risk of surgery. In 2016, the valve inside a valve procedure was approved for those needing an aortic valve replacement–or as they call it in Clyde’s case, a patient needs to have severe aortic stenosis. Even then the rules still say, that they have to be in pretty bad shape before they get a replacement. Pretty much inoperable. So, the FDA has not yet caught up with the technology.

Having said that, Drs. are just starting to kind of work around the FDA’s requirements. Naturally, not all of them. To show you just how cutting edge this stuff is, a paper published just last year, said the standard procedure was still to surgically replace the valve. That is why the doctor in Portland sent him home. He knew what was coming down the road and that if Clyde could wait it out, he would not have to have open heart surgery.

This, would explain, that despite how sick he got, he probably is better off for having waited, he got a TAVR, not another route with this chest cut open, which is dangerous no matter which way you look at it. 

A couple days before his procedure. It hit the news, and I read speciality medical journals and stuff like that so I can’t tell you now where I read it but I’m not sure it was the main stream news. But, it did hit the news in a credible publication that a valve similar to what Clyde has, has lasted 20 years!! In 20 years Clyde will be 79 years old. If he lives another 20 years it will be really remarkable. Considering his father died at age 34 and his brother at 43, both of heart disease–along with other family history all on his fathers side, he has never thought he’d live as long as he has. The doctors discovered Clyde had cholesterol levels off the charts when he was six years old, and he and his older brother became one of Stanford University’s guinea pigs for trying out the new statins. He has lived with this his entire lifetime, since before he can really remember. He was only 2 when his father died.

So, yes, he got really, really sick. And the sicker he got, the angrier I got. He is such a good and delightful person to be around. Like I told him, if he’d been a person like our neighbor from hell, maybe I’d not been so angry, but in this case, this was happening to someone I absolutely adore and have wrapped my life around. He is my protector in a lot of ways, and he knows that I need him for that, so there is that too. A good person at your side, helping you as you negotiate the world with PTSD, helps a LOT. Of course, it helps even more when you know you have PTSD. It explains so much in my life.

So, the truth is, he got the TAVR pretty much as soon as it went mainstream. And I think he was lucky that he did, and it is a blessing that they did not have to cut him open. The statistics for a second open heart surgery are not good. The statistics for a third is even worse, and the bottom line here is that probably, eventually, he’s still looking at another one if he wants to live. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

So, being angry, has pretty much been a waste of time and energy.  And in real life, we all knew it anyhow.  We all figure it out usually pretty young in life, that anger is not only the route to go, but all it really is, is a cover for something else we do not want to face: the truth maybe, fear can be it.   Rarely is anger, just anger. 

The good news is that Medtronic, the company that makes Clyde’s model, and my pacemaker, is supporting a study on people who are getting the TAVR before they become severely sick to see if by any chance, the device can keep people from getting some of the bad stuff that comes down the road with severe aortic stenosis. One of those bad consequences is heart failure, which Clyde either has or is about to have. His blood test was positive for it, and his levels were as high as the test measured. So, he was probably in the beginning stages of heart failure.

Of course, we know what the outcome of that study will be. Preventative medicine is being pushed for the very reason that it helps prevent serious conditions later down the road. So, over the long haul, this will probably become preventative medicine. In terms of stockholders alone, it behooves Medtronic to push this. Never mind the lives that will be saved, lived, and enjoyed all the longer.

 

Thank you, Medtronic, you’ve kept two people alive longer than mother nature had intended. Those two people are extremely happy to be sharing their time on earth together, and we both consider every single day a blessing. We’ve both been blessed in this way for a very long time. Both of our fathers just died way too young of heart disease, and we both inherited some part of it.

So, if you were angry with me. Just know, that surgical replacement is still the route most doctors take. But, TAVRs are set to get into the fast lane and outpace those surgical routes at any moment now, if it hasn’t already. Clyde, for one, is really happy to hear that others will probably get their valve replacements much faster, and he’s happy he got his, And he is who we need to look to for this moment, because he is the one living with it. He is happy to still be alive, feeling better, and even in pain (in his leg). We can quit being angry now. ?

Should I say, “Stand back, and stand by”  I may need your support at another time again.  But, I appreciate every single one of you. 

sources:

https://academic.oup.com/…/article…/13/5/704/514435

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK431075/….

& various pages at Medtronic that are designed for doctors not nosey people like me who can figure them out. LOL

 

An extra note, and tie in to my life: 

This post, is dedicated to dad, who like Clyde was always on the move, enjoyed life, and took as much advantage of it as he possibly could.  Both men shared determination and grit.  

Dad was by no means a perfect man, but then who among us is?   As I told a nurse practioner a few weeks ago, I’ve spent a lot (a lot, a lot, a LOT) of time being angry with him.  I have my moments still.  But, all in all after several years of working on forgiveness, I think I am mostly there.  There are reasons I’m mostly there, spending time with family and seeing just how dysfunctional that side is.  He was raised with it.  In a lot of ways, he didn’t know better.  It is really hard to buck what your parents taught you and not everyone is capable of it.  And that is really the truth.   Dad was the victim of a lot of generational violence, which I can date back to and document back to the 1600’s.  Generation after generation of violence.  Of course, my sister and I inherited the legacy.  Dad used violence in raising at least me.  My sister denies it, but then she’s got a strong case of denial anyhow.  She took after mom, if you look away and pretend it’s not happening, maybe it’s not.  It doesn’t work that way.  And this website, if it’s about anything, it’s about stopping the cycle of violence and need I say it?  child abuse! 

Dad did something to me that hurt me the rest of my life.  I was so young that I don’t remember it actually happening.  I remember other details around it.  My mothers brother, finally verfied for me that dad had hurt me, that from that point on that side of the family considered the Rowe’s uncivilized.  When I flat out asked him what my dad had done, he could not name it.  The look on my uncles face was one I’d never seen before, that I can remember anyway.   At it’s base there was profound sadness.  There was a ton of pain in that expression.  Considering I’d heard about my uncles bar brawls and other bloody times that young men have a tendency to engage in–it has not slipped my notice that the fact that he could not name what had happened to me, probably means it was extremely violent or sexual or both.   I’ve thought, and came up with the idea on my own years ago, based on my own fears, and reactions to certain experiences that dad had sexually abused me already.  

So, for me to forgive him.  That’s a big thing.  It comes down to, he’s my dad and that will never change.  He was probably sexually abused too.  He reacted the way a lot of boys do when the grow up.  In fact, in a twisted way, it could be considered a normal male reaction to being sexually abused.  I can look back and see now that dad had big, big issues.  And the truth is that he dealt with them the best he knew how, and he did try to better himself.  He got a high school diploma in his 30’s.  In the 1970’s that was a big deal.   There is no doubt that dad himself, was angry, sadistic, and all sorts of other things.  He was absolutely loyal to the person who probably abused him, his father.  He told me he’d never know his father to lie.  Guess what?! I have never known my father to lie either.  He was a lot of things, but a liar wasn’t one of them, at least not when dealing with this kids.  And he did apologize.  It was a blanket apology, and that is the kind that can cover a lot of ground.  It was something that I could not even let soak in until I was in my 50’s.  

Dad died at 43 of his third heart attack.  10 years before, he’d had one of the country’s first by pass surgeries, and Shumway was his surgeon.  Shumway is still in the medical journals. Dad was on a heart transplant list when he died in 1983, that would have been considered cutting edge too, although DeBakey had done the first procedures with apes or monkeys in Africa years and years before. 

It makes me really sad to realize that when dad was living, the doctors and inventors were working on the TAVR system.  If he’d lived just a little longer, he probably could had had some stents, or a TAVR, or some other thing that we consider routine these days done, and he too could have seen old age.  I know, he was settling down, and I know my kids would have been better off having their grandpa in their lives.  Especially my boy.  

In someways, my kids did have their grandpa.  In the form of their mother, another imperfect soul.  And if there is a heaven, I’m sure he’s looking down on us.  In fact, I thought I heard him laughing just the other day.  I love you, Daddy.  Even when I was mad at you, I loved you. 

Alvin C Rowe and co-worker in the Army

Alvin trained at Fort Ord in California to be a cook. But he was also a munitions manager. Alvin C Rowe (right) and co-worker.

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Love Is…

Love is supporting the people you care about in the most sincere and positive way you can.

A few thoughts:

In answer to this graphic, and for those in the family who want to love everyone including the perps:  

There are people who only want to love everyone and when they do, they sometimes deny someone that they love their truth. Trauma happens and denying it doesn’t show love at all. If anything it makes the person whose trauma is being denied feel unloved. In fact, it makes them feel like they are being treated like liars sometimes. Inevitably the denier will ask why this or that happened or didn’t, and it sounds like they are supposing that the traumatized person has never been traumatized. In fact, they are expecting a traumatized person to act normal and to not show any kind of defensive behavior at all.  This is not realistic on the deniers part.

To ask the deniers we will find that the traumatized actions are not understandable in the least. Yet if you bother to look at their history there is usually a reason for everything that happens. Doesn’t really matter if fear is behind whatever it is, or anger, or whatever. The mixed signals are painful, over the long haul the negative messages of the denial are what seems to come through the strongest in the mind of a traumatized person. Because love that doesn’t support the loved one, is not love at all. It can make a person want to run away from that person who wants to love and never look back.

When I speak of support, I am not talking financial. Only being there” for someone who needs you. On that note. If you tell a traumatized person you are there for them and that you love them, and then you deny their experiences by claiming you want to love everyone including their (family) perpetrators –that is simply adding trauma onto the trauma and that is why the traumatized want to run and never look back. In the process of trying to get healthy and outgrow the trauma it becomes necessary to create a healthy world (as is possible) that includes making new friends and family. That includes not looking back no matter how hard it is, and no matter how many tears result from the decision. There are a TON of very strong people out there!!

Having said this… life is sad sometimes.  Going through experiences like this, where you hear someone like, say a sibling, say, that she/he just wants to love everyone, in answer to you trying to explain something that explains a behavior.  That loved one is simply shutting you down.  You the traumatized, the victim, are to shut up, sit down, and behave yourself.  No wonder we want to cry, and believe me we do.  Yet, we are expected to shut up, and go to our place and never speak that way again.  

When I finally move away from where I am now, far away, and never look back.  Don’t bother to ask me why.  By that time, it will be way to late.  I’d rather be completely alone (which by the way, I’ll never be completely alone) I’d still be happier than giving a piece of myself away to people who only pretend to care. 

 

(p.s. when that time comes, don’t look for me either, believe me, I won’t want to be found.)

Posted in Culture, Depression, Mental Illnesses, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Assault, Women's Rights | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Is This Really 100% on Trump? Or are American’s Politically Lazy?

Let me make it really clear. I do not agree with the supreme court and it’s ruling on Roe vs. Wade. Nor do I agree with the changes they made to the Miranda stuff. Nor am I in love with the idea of people being able to carry just because they want to, not without a license, classes on how to handle a weapon, and a background check: minimum.

Just saw a headline: Basically it said, blame Trump for Roe being overturned. Well, that is yes, true. He definitely played the game the way politicians play it. He knew who his base was and he catered to them. But, what else did you expect??? Did you really think he’d put a liberal judge on the bench considering??

This is NOT 100% on Trump. How many people lived in denial and basically said to themselves or friends that Roe would never be overturned? How many people have taken it for granted? Lastly, how many people took their power to vote for granted and did not bother??

The far right DOES NOT, repeat DOES NOT have a majority in this country when it comes to politics. For them to have this much power, a lot of people took a whole lot of responsibility and flushed it instead of using it as they should have. The message here is to take NOTHING for granted and VOTE!

This is the truth as I see it.

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Surprises in Education

The Powerpuff Babies...

The Powerpuff Babies…
Who would be the first to inform you that arrogance and attitude can, -in fact, be intimidation.
A form of power play.
A form of abuse of people. Period.

 

First let me say the surprise is mine.  So is the education.
I thought Jr. College was very much like an adult high school. 
I did specialize in something.
I got my A.S. and I got a certificate in computer systems. 
At the time it kind of was the same as being A+ certified.
No small thing in the computer world. 
It made you quite employable by many.

So, I have entered my education years at a University. 
In fact, I’m nearly done. 
I’ve almost got a B.A. in History. 
When this comes to fruition, it will be a dream come true. 
I am specializing in something: History. 
Yet, there is so much to history that I specialize in nothing. 

It dawned on me today. 
We grow up. 
We are very young. 
We think we are smart. 
We go through our phases where we have a tendency to think we
KNOW IT ALL
Everything, that is,  and we must educate the world. 
Yet, as we age, we come to know,
the reality is after thousands of dollars,
hours of study, hundreds of tears,
yawns, and one upset son….
I still know relatively nothing.
But at least, I grew out of it.
The disease of KNOW IT ALL

There is something to be learned here by those with out any formal education. 
By formal I mean college, university, and upwards. 
High school does not prepare you for what it out there,
even if you think it does. 
Little in childhood prepares you for the realities of life.

Just life.

There those of us who go through an arrogant phase. 
We look down on those around us
That we perceive,
that you are not as smart as we are. 
It’s one thing to be ‘educated’ and arrogant,
you probably are quite aware that you know nothing.
(which means BTW, you really are not arrogant)
But, you also know stuff other people don’t know and you really do want to help. 
Either way, in this universe you are not even the mote in someones eye. 
It is, however, truly another reality altogether
to be stared down by someone with a high school education.
Their grades showing they barely squeaked by. 
Its all pure intimidation.

I used to be intimidated by those types. 
I know one pretty well. 
I grew up with her.
With her big arrogance came,
a super sized ego attached to all-know-it-ness,
and a temper that could just blow the roof off the house. 
The arrogance I could live with. 
It was the lies, manipulation, and temper that got to me. 
She was a cut throat in some ways.
At least verbally, as any one person could be. 
She truly scared me.

These thoughts just came to me. 
My education is a gift that I have given myself.
Does that make me better than anyone else?
Hardly.
Shall I look down at others whose choice it was
to not continue on with their education.
No. 
I’ve learned that lesson.
I harbor no arrogance, nor the anger that boils beneath it. 
I’m happy to share what I know,
but only if you want to know it too. 
I do not lie. 
I have never purposely manipulated anyone.
My temper is not so explosive that anyone in this world is truly scared of me.

I could not have learned that at any university
Except the University of Life.
I’m sure there I have a PhD
Dr. Survivor in the Universe, EX-traordinaire.
The all knowing Philosophy of Nothingness.
Pie-Cap-Alpha (not you)

Hey, what can I say.
It’s OK to be proud of me.

14 May 2022, back to the capstone project. 🙂

 

Posted in Culture, Elitism, Fallacies, Forgiveness, History, Just Jabber, Memories, Nature, Parent/Child Relationships, Personal, Women's Rights | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“I’m Moving On” (DRAFT)

a song recorded by Rascal Flatts.

Tulips in Canyonville, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe-Snyder


My note:

I find myself reflecting on my life, including my behavior, feelings, actions, etc. all the time. I always have, it’s been part and parcel of trying to figure out who I am and how do I survive it all. Reflections for me take many forms. I write like crazy. Some people think that I am writing to them, or about them, but inevitability, it’s me trying to figure me out and work out my own emotions. People just need to understand that, and if they can’t they have to stop reading my stuff.

Music has always been a very cathartic media for me. I have always sung. While I was in choir in school the teacher approached my parents and offered to take me professional. So, it’s real for me, and it always was. This despite minimization over the year by some people, (mostly ex’s, and kids) I obviously had something at sometime.

Lyrics to songs, poems, etc often trigger emotional responses that lead me to reflect. As the years pass, I find the lyrics send me different messages with each listening session.

If anyone ever wondered if I got stuck on them, here is your answer. I am not. I never was.
If anyone thinks I have not thought my way through my actions. Here is your answer. I have.
If anyone thinks I’m going to apologize-no matter who you are. No, I won’t.

I have, in my life, experienced others who make it their mission to stand above those they supposedly hold dear. They took the time to look down on me (even if they were shorter than I) and see someone who was/is inferior to themselves. It took me a long time to realize that they were liars. They were not as smart as they thought. At least not in the ways that really count.
Wisdom, Kindness, Patience, Compassion, Empathy–That is smart. Ya’ll missed the point.

I did the best I could with what I had in those moments.
I did what I thought was best.
I weighed the pro’s and the con’s.
I took each child in each situation into account-
I determined if there was any form of abuse going on,
EVEN IF ONLY VERBAL ABUSE–because WORDS MATTER!
The truth is the truth, is the truth, is the truth.
You can try to bend it, break it, and manipulate it and situations any way you please.
That doesn’t change who I am or what I felt what needed done in the moments.
No– I won’t ever apologize for putting the child in first place.
Regardless of who the said child was, something was wrong.
In answer to my mother, “Life is about more than pure survival.”
Saying that your grandchild will survive implies a life that is short of life’s bounties.
Because survival takes energy, and vigilance that someone who never had to deal with survival never had to tap. Survival is simply EXHAUSTING. It takes the joy out of life.
Survival makes people work hard to control everything around them.
It can make people manipulative.
The results of survivor mode is ugly.

Your loss, however, is my gain. Keep in mind who ever you are:

What a thing to wish on a child!

Life is not about survival.
It’s about life:
Joy, Love, Peace, Knowing, Action, Belief, Faith
For me, now, it’s about moving on in every way.

Oregon Coast, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe Snyder

Oregon Coast, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe Snyder


I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

Posted in Depression, Estrangement, Forgiveness, History, Memories, Mental Illnesses, Pacific Northwest, Personal, Photography, PTSD | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Update: About Me

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A View of ‘God’

Some view ‘god’ via life’s conditioning or by an assessment of evolving science and proven facts, while others do so via myths. Some blend these and other perspectives. Albeit, there is no ‘god’ as good as the one we believe in. Mine is Incomprehensible, Illuminating, Invisible, Interactive (as motion and Being), Integrative (as galaxies), Intelligent (beyond human knowledge; we have only tapped the surface) and Infi- nite (even that is a finite word when it comes to delineating my ‘god’). Inspiring, Indescribable, not Intimate! I am merely a minuscule parti- cle—a fleck in the mix of an Interchangeable Energy. __DWB

(Above is borrowed from a cousin)

There is most definitely a power out there that is greater than our own. Just how much intelligence it has, is in all reality a conjecture. Our human best guess is all we can really come up with.

What is a song but a dance of the voice expressing the feelings within.
(note to self, PARS)

But, we live in a Universe where some power holds it all together, and I have a tendency to call that love. There is actually order to what looks like an infinite chaos to our eyes. Look up to the heavens in the night and in the darkness there is always light. Sometimes more, sometimes less but no matter what your travails look like, there is light. I have a tendency to see that has hope. We do know that what we live in this system we call the Universe has been here for a long time. We might even dare to say forever, at least compared to our own finite lives. I have a tendency to view that as determination, tenacity, the will to live. I see the moon, and a smile on it’s face, as it acts like a nightlight for the night, I see that as comfort. When the sun comes up and fills the world with its heat, and gives us the gift of each day. Such is warmth, something akin to a gigantic hug. The lakes of the world sparkle and twinkle in the light of day. It looks like fairies dancing in the sun. We are they, and they are we, limitless energy… we dance in the light, and if we do not, we should. Rejoice that we’ve made it to the next day. We dig the soil to plant our gardens and the aroma of the dirt is heavenly. There is no such thing as dirty dirt. A requirement of life, and it can be healthy or not, but it is still soil and it gives us the gift of renewal each and every year. We are surrounded in green and blue. Nature’s colors, the gifts of a living planet with forests and oceans both teeming with life. Such is the beauty, something I call home. It feels unbreakable but it is not. We have been given free will, and we test our limits and boundaries constantly. I for one, see God in every glance. No matter what is in my view there God is. Something that is beyond a gender or sex, that understands the trauma and grief we sometimes refer to as life, that hears our tears and our laughter and still chooses to bathe us in light every day and night to remind us that his or her existence is near. The rainbow became the promise. But, the light is an every moment reminder. Look up, look up – see and feel warm hug. ~PARS

Suggested Readings:

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-14944470

 

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