I really do miss my kids the most.
Was talking to my other half last night. About what the kids do not understand about me.
At this point in my life, I do not want to be critical of them. I do not want to correct them.
I do not want any sort of confrontations over anything. I have been at this point in my relationships with them for a long, long time now.
Health plays into why I feel this way. I’ve had a known heart condition since I was 43. Obviously it didn’t just all of a sudden happen. I’d been living with it almost my entire life.
So, when I said I was tired I wasn’t tired like a normal person, I was tired like a person with a heart issue. I do not have energy to criticize, manipulate, be demanding, point out someone’s faults. In general if I like you we will have a friendship (or whatever applies). If I do not like you, I will put up with your presence if I must. But, if you are not a necessity in my life (say you do not sit on the same board of directors I do) then, if I do not like you, I simply do not have anything to do with you. That simple. There are no confrontations, no lies, no tears, no manipulations. I just don’t call you or make any pretense of caring in the least. You were zapped out of my life, because frankly, I’m too tired for the negativity that you have a tendency to saddle onto other people. This is in general, and pertains, not at all to my kids.
A reason that a couple of the kids grew up, or grew older thinking I was stupid enough to not see how I was being lied to or manipulated. Is probably that I let way too much slide with no consequences. When you have had a child “kidnapped” and kept from you for six years, and then are reunited after those years what it comes down to, is that you don’t know the kid anymore, and the kid doesn’t know you anymore. Everything has to be rebuilt.
From a parents point of view, mine at least, what that meant was holding my tongue about many things and letting many things happen under my watch that I did not like or want happening in my home. This was because I did not want confrontation with my kid. What might have been a normal child/parent spat could easily been turned into a kid running away from a situation where she was safe at least and getting in over her head out in the world.
I did not want her boyfriends sleeping over. I did not like that she kept a knife hidden in her boot. I did not like it when she pulled a knife when a “boyfriend” and were fighting. I did not like her foul language, nor her lack of participation within the family. She sat in her room a lot. She helped some. But, mostly she was detached, arrogant, very opinionated. She forgot who the top dog of the house was, and it was not her. I never said any of this to her.
I never wanted the relationship to run afoul. I had my kid back after six year of hell not knowing where she was or if she was ok, hell, didn’t even know all the time if she was alive.
It was one of the hardest times of my life. Why would I want to judge her, make her feel bad about anything, or even try to correct her. Because I could see the potential loss on the other side of the fence and I had no reason to want to go there.
Most kids lie, manipulate, and do other stuff at times. The problem is that most the time same said kids outgrow it. I really don’t give a damn what they do outside of my sight and hearing. Natural consequences will eventually come heaping down upon a mean, angry, or manipulative person. In one way or another one always pays the piper. Karma can be a real bitch.
One of my kids, borrowed $600 from a friend. Not even a boyfriend. Has made no attempt to pay it back. I am fairly sure she has lost him as a friend. As far as I could tell he was a better friend to her than her boyfriend was. I talked to her gently, suggested even if she paid a little bit consistently every so often, it would be better than nothing. I don’t think she has any intention of it. It is hard to see this and realize that children I raised have no real sense of ethics or even common decency. That was a huge loan for a 19/20 year old to make. He deserved much better treatment than he got from her. Even a thank you card would have showed some class!!!
All I really want to do is love them. I don’t want to see, and I do not want to know. They are all adults now. I’ve done my best. The best thing I could do for myself at this point is to move far, far, far away. The point is I am not sure I like my kids enough to even have a mother/kid relationship with them anymore. It all is incredibly painful. Family can be who we choose it to be. Two of them have divorced me. I probably should just divorce them all. We are not compatible in the least. I don’t want any of them taking care of me in my old age. I want loving people around me who are supportive. I don’t want any strings attached like–if I do something immoral or unethical, mom, you have to look away and never say a word to anyone, EVER. That is the unspoken command.
So, I am making it really clear, within my purview, I just do not want to see it or hear it. All I want from my kids is to love them, and for them to love me. I don’t think that I could really be anymore clear.
My youngest can’t keep her space clean to save her life. It gets dangerous, in my view. She’s at home again. I told her the other day, I’d give her back her bedroom if she could keep her space clean. Not that I am expecting a whole lot, but better than it is. As it stands she is now living in an old RV that we bought to refurbish for us, the parents–for alone time.
This old RV has had the floors replaced, linoleum and carpet put down. New bed. New curtains that I made myself. Customized for he and I. Packed with stuff for the family. There is no room for our stuff in there anymore. She doesn’t like my curtains. But, she won’t keep it clean either. We have had this discussion many times over the years, and over the years its generally the same excuse, “I’m just so busy, I have no time…” It’s not her property, and she has no time. I want to love her unconditionally – but she’s not keeping my space clean. Not to mention the fact that she doesn’t do much around here. She was told to have a dog here she’d have to help maintain the yard—meaning help with crap duty. I’ve told her it was “her turn” once….and she’s done it once. The kids take what they want. They don’t seem to understand that they are using other people’s private energies and resources. And no, parents were not put on Earth to use and abuse. And then toss away when child disapproves of a parents challenged opinions about them. Especially when the opinions are about choices that they made within the sight of their parents, or on their parents property, or with their parents property.
My son has actually entered upon a civilized state in his life. It still kind of cracks me up when he thinks that I am so stupid that he will pay me back a few bucks he owes me and then ask me to run to the store and get him a mop with my money like he’s doing me some big favor. I can laugh about it because he’s had so many issues, been down a hard road, suffers with mental illness, and a developmental delay. He’s done all the drugs on Earth I think. Basically over dosed his mother – purposely. Tried to overdose his little sister. He’s been to jail a few times. Other half and I were “missing” for a few days. He grabbed the keys to the jeep and asked a friend with a license to drive it to help search for us. Friend abused said Jeep which was a major love of other half’s life. Totaled out the Jeep. $1800 later, it was still not fixed and usable. Said Jeep is gone. Other half will probably never forgive or forget. But, his stance has softened some. My son hasn’t done a lot that I’m proud of. But, as other half has seen, he’s done a 180, and I feel that perhaps love can overcome all. Time of course will tell. But, of the four, these two above mentioned kids (2 of 4) hold the most promise. They are the (youngest &) kindest kids that I have. That is not saying much, I know.
Back to the missing part…. for a moment: Friend who tore up the Jeep tried to convince son that his parents were indeed dead and that he needed to just get over it already. Oh by the way, open up the gun safe. I want those guns. See for some reason, even the kids’ friends think they can walk all over us.
And that is not to say that the kids don’t try to over run each other. During the “missing” episode, son tried to maneuver a friend in to ‘rent’ –basically take over the house payments in order to guarantee himself a roof over his head. Which left one minor child out in the cold. Oldest decided, I guess, that they would both stay in the house and pay her rent. Which I find incredible considering we’d never talked about what us parents wanted done in the house in more recent times at least. She’d been diagnosed with MS. It had been decided she’d have no responsibility for ANYTHING once we were gone. Nothing. Apparently she tried to convince the younger siblings that she was the only heir to the other half (the only “LEGAL” heir)–as I understand it. She got everything. Ho ho ho. She gets nothing at this point. Neither of the two oldest get anything more than a dollar, so that we can acknowledge their legal presence and acknowledge no premise of a gift or legacy. When you are treated like shit, you have a tendency to want to give your stuff to a non-profit who will sell it and do some good with the money. Current plan.
The two oldest, just think, I guess that they think they are pretty smart. I of course, never had a clue that when I asked them to clean the bathroom for me that they did not. They stuffed a bunch of stuff and called it clean. I said, “Thank you” anyway. I just want to love them. One of them manipulated us (by lying to us) into letting a boyfriend stay for a bit. Turned out he was a registered sex offender and he was around my two minor children. Said child has no clue how lucky she is that we even had a thing to do with her after that. For her to tell me that I should cut my son loose was not only hard nosed, and hard hearted, it was severely hypocritical. We all make mistakes. None of us, if we are humans, living on Earth — are angels.
All I want is to love them, and for them to love me. I and their (adoptive) father have over looked a lot over the years. A lot of hurt gets caused by a mouth that is so loose with anger and condemnation. Lack of respect.. Under normal circumstances it’s all good as long as they get what they want. There are no discussions about anything–they demand, we are to fall in with the request. I’m sorry that is just not how families work. Discussion is the main format for getting what one wants. But the discussion has to be calm, respectful, non-threatening, non-manipulative to the best of your humanly ability. At least one of my children is not capable of that, not with me at least.
Last communication from her basically said: “watch what you say, or I’ll cut you off forever.”
The truth is, that I told her the truth, and she called me a liar and then cut me off. That was no threat she threw at me. It was a promise. A foreshadowing of what her intended next behavior was going to be. It did not matter what I would have said. I could have said, “I love you” and she would have still cut me off. Over the years, I have told many people that she is cold, calculating and cut throat. I meant every word. People have known for years that I was scared of her. She did not know it. But, that does not mean it wasn’t the truth. She is a person that I NEVER want to have a face to face confrontation with. I consider her a physical danger to myself and anyone else she is angry with. It does not help that at age 15/16 the kid came up behind me and hit me in the middle of the back as hard as she could. She literally knocked the breath out of me. I never understood why. It has never been explained. She was definitely old enough, whatever her age to know better. I pretty much ignored it. But that doesn’t mean I did not feel it, and that there were no consequences. The consequences have been alive and well all these years. I have watched my tongue. I have worked over time to not say a word that went against hers. I avoided any sort of confrontation like the plague. She bought books for my youngest about Wicca. Did I approve? No, not in the least. I took them quietly and put them away. Recently they were disposed of. I never, EVER gave them to youngest, nor did I speak of them to her. Life is confusing enough—she didn’t need to study witchcraft.
I have watched them all grow up. Have been greatly disappointed actually. When is it ever ok to tell a child that they can abuse their biological parent, but not another adult in the family? It is only ok when you really want to stir the pot, poison the well…the goal I guess, create more havoc, keep people from seeing the truth by distracting them with other issues. I don’t know, it’s all just a guess. I have a child who could not tell the truth if she wanted to. She takes a lot after a paternal grandmother. I think she probably has an undiagnosed mental health issue. Like her father, who does not believe there is a such thing as mental illness, she’d rather not see a therapist or psychologist because “I like who I am.” Liking yourself can be an issue to treat or not treat, but it doesn’t have to be the reason for the therapy at all. It can be totally 1000% beside the point. But that this is how she cut me off-she did not want to hear about it. So, I shut up.
How does one really like oneself when they know they are a liar? When they know they can be violent? When they must know how angry they really are? When they know they manipulate other people to get what they want? When they use people around them so much, that the people end up so angry that they are sorry they ever lent a hand at all to the kid? When she lived with us, she agreed to pay her part of the electric bill. She then ordered a lot of electronics. A brand new laptop for one. The amount of the electric bill went unpaid and she basically lived off our resources for free until she got a job. When she did get a job after a few paychecks she was asked for some money. She snapped at her father, “you’ll get it when I get it.” The choices SHE made created the issue. But, he is the one that got his feelings hurt. I will tell you, he does not forget. He really doesn’t forgive. And paying for gas money to get yourself to the job in your mom’s vehicle isn’t doing your mom or dad any favors. It’s just what you are supposed to do. None of what was done made the kid look any better in “daddy’s” eyes.
And I live with this stuff. I literally stuff the stuff. Because all I ever wanted to do was love my kids. I do not want to be negative. I do not want to point out my misgivings and their bad points. I want to be loving, supportive, a cheer leader of sorts. Mom’s can be really good at that, and having come to that conclusion helped me to let go and let them grow up and leave without much contention.
I am a really good person who has worked over time to treat others with kindness and generosity.. I have worked hard for a living, kept up with men. Put blisters on my feet walking around a mall, keeping things spotless so that I could hold the job and feed my kids, pay the rent, put gas in the car so that I could go out and do it all again the next day. I’ve held up to three jobs at a time. I did this all with a heart condition. I ran all over myself for those kids because I loved them and wanted to do my best for them.
As a child I was abused and walked all over by my father.
As a young married woman I was abused and walked all over by my first husband and then a “boyfriend” after that. Not that in reality, I actually considered him a boyfriend very long. He gave the kids the example of being very manipulative, a liar, and so on. I could not get rid of him soon enough, but he held on and continued to try to manipulate the situation to stay. It became a grand power struggle.
Now, my kids have watched all the examples and have decided that I can tow the line with them. The message I get from them is that they get do as they please, including to lie, and manipulate and all I have to do is look away.
Really? That is what I want to do! But ethically, I can not when ANY child is involved. My kids know this by heart.
I have to let them create a whole new pig sty on my property, if I say a word, they will leave because I am the one who mean. Sneak out in the middle of the night in tears as if they were the victim. When all I did was ask said kid to clean up her room. She was 18/19 at the time. Rephrase: I’ve been asking you for years to keep your space clean. You are old enough to do this. Your room is a fire hazard and is not safe (literally)–not to mention it would draw in rodents. Clean it or get out. That was the reality. She actually choose to leave, in tears, the victim. Really??!!
The price I pay is that the kids think they have the power to cut me off, and I will fall to. What they do not know is that mom has a limit. The hurt has been great enough, that someday, when all ducks are in a row, they will no longer have to give mom or dad so much as a thought. They will have no address, no phone number, no clue. And mom will be so happy to not have to look away, or be disappointed, unloved, used, manipulated and lied to. (or lied about). Sounds like a pretty good trade off to me!
Fool me into letting a sex offender to stay in my home and expect absolutely no hard feelings or consequences?
I have apologized for their terrible childhoods at least a thousand times over the years. Each apology was totally sincere. I really had no clue just how dysfunctional my family was. In fact, I am still learning about how dysfunctional it was/is. There really is nothing more for me to do for them.
Said kids have no right to complain about a damn thing. They have been loved, supported, and cheered on. Seems to me they need to look and see just who the real cunts are.
I think I figured out why I have been avoiding the news like the plague. Yesterday it hit me. I was good until the camera’s zoomed in on the lines of police, and all of them holding those black night sticks. Today the flash backs have started… yesterday it was tears. I read recently to just accept the emotion and let it “wash over” me. See it for what it is something temporary. So, that is what I am trying to do. Same said article said it’s actually a good sign. It’s kind of like the beginning of the end-healing that is. It is most definitely something I do not recall sharing with anyone. I have a few of those. Where the violence of it is so bad (in my mind) that why would anyone want to hear it. No, I’ve never been beaten by a cop. I’m a woman who has an ex husband who liked to force many types of items. If you can imagine the worst, minus the horrid beating you can imagine… then you have probably imagined it close to correctly. He was a security guard for a time. Took a special class in using the weapon–something obviously I still see as a tool of torment. Believe me, I do see it that way to this day. Its not like I ended up black and blue—well, not in all the obvious places anyhow. It is what it did to my heart, my soul, and willingness to confront nearly anything. I’ll fight to the death for my kids–but its taken me years and years to fight for myself. I mean really fight–not just lip service or a faux toughness so well known on my paternal side of the family. One of the last things that my last therapist said to me that still at my age, I avoid conflict at almost any cost. Can it be any wonder? I did not go out of my way to look for these situations. I wandered into them as a young woman, or in this case a teenager. I married a monster is what I did–one that even my mother said reminded her of my father at the time. But, how does a teenager put that into perspective, especially when things are feeling so good in the moment? So, the bottom line is that I married that which I was familiar with. With age and experience one can see it. It evolved into one mess on top of another.
A wee bit of a change of subject. Black lives certainly do matter. That is beyond any reasonable demand for a person who is reasonable. Of course they matter. I would not take that fact away from a one of them. They do have 400 years of history behind them (at least!) that still plays in their life on a day to day basis. They deserve a much better deal than what has been handed to them by the white culture, patriarchy, & government. Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
But, for far more than 400 hundred years women have been abused and mistreated by men. The biggest offenders seem to be white men, I could be wrong. The fact, that someone only one year older than I was at that time was capable of such heinous behavior just goes to show what has been handed down from generation to generation. He had to pick it up from somewhere right? The mentality? Nothing he ever did was or even could have been hinted at as being something needed for survival or any other good purpose. It was all about power, violence–keeping someone in their place mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. It worked-I stayed married to him for nearly 16 years. When I finally realized the example I was setting for the kids–that is when I left. He did his damndest to stop it too. Keeping me up all night until I agreed to do things his way. Reminding me that I had some kind of thought deficient and could not see repercussions or consequences of my behavior on my own. Giving me stupid choices, actually believing that I’d pick the worst of them. How many of you were given this option when leaving your spouse: “You can have the kids and everything it takes to make them a home, or you can have the computer.” Even then, I looked at him and asked him what kind of idiot he thought I was. If he was willing to treat me like that, then in what horrible ways was he actually willing to hurt his children? If I could have expressed any of this in court papers at the time, I’d probably been given sole custody, if, I was believed. And for the most part I wasn’t. I wasn’t really believed by the courts until the end of the ordeal when he was stupid enough to speak his mind to a social worker after I gave Wesley up to the “system” to get him the mental health help he needed. She did not tell me everything he said.. just a little bit. She shook her head and said he was unbelievable, she looked at me, “How did you stay married to him for that long?” I believed marriage was scared and forever. I over heard a conversation between adults as a child that inferred that women/wives had a “duty” (which at this point really proves men feeling quite entitled). That along with active behavior on his part to make sure that I felt small and uncapable… that my feelings and dreams were not even close to acceptable or even apart of reality. That is how I stayed married that long. That night stick of his… it was part of a long, long horribly painful journey that I am fairly sure I will never be able to put in its place. Sad thing is…my story is no where near close to the worst out there, not over time, not over generations, not even in modern days. He damn near killed me, and if I had died, it would have been by my own hand. It came that close in the end. This is why — in my mind, though, I would never for a moment take away one second from the BLM movement, but , I do have to say that all lives matter. These entitled, racist pigs, regardless of color of skin (No where near all of them police) need to be brought under control. Too many people are hurt, too many are dying.
Not that I don’t understand where they are coming from. These people are angry, and I am too. I read something this morning that “white mamma’s” need to share the burden of grieve with the “black mamma’s”. I absolutely can not imagine loosing a child at any age and no matter the circumstances. Becoming a mother has taught me so much about unconditional love. Any mother who loves their kids would fight for their kids. I’ve done it over and over and over again. George Floyd was calling for his mother, and that is absolutely HEARTBREAKING. When Wesley basically over dosed me on that “honey butter” crap, at one point, it was so bad, and I was so scared that I was calling for my mother. I have 100% empathy for Mr. Floyd. I also have 100% empathy for his mother if she had to witness it, or hear it. I can’t imagine the heart break. I’ve seen that some people are already trying to villainize Mr. Floyd. That is sickening. Even if he was a small time petty thief, he did not deserve to die for that. And honestly, those three other officers who stood by and watched this, and then did not attempt a revive the man need to be charged with whatever applies: neglect of human life. or something. They could have brought him back. This makes a whole group of people feel as if they are literally fighting for their very lives. Such blatant disrespect for life. Sickening. As a mother though, yes, I do share in the grief.
We are considering moving our residence — out of the immediate area. I keep finding properties in other areas of Oregon where the houses cost less. We can upscale our standard of living and spend less money. This place could actually be worth something as people run from the cities. It is more feasible now than ever in my life–the moving away from cities that is. People are being forced to work from home. Some are realizing it’s not so bad after all.
Back in the 1990’s I told an employment counselor that was one of my dreams. I wanted to live in a rural area and work from home. This was around 1996 or 1997 (or so). The woman literally told me to get my head out of the clouds!! And now a bit over 20 years later, we are saving our most important “data” to the “cloud”. All of us have our heads in the clouds now.
I have found a 3 bedroom, with a 2 car garage in an area that is very affordable for us. Plus it has a little side building that is a studio apartment. We could rent that out and make it all the more affordable for us. This place has a basement too!! Can you imagine the storage area?! And room/protected space for his beloved Corvair to boot! A dream come true…. an office and sewing room!
We are waiting on word from the Oregon Department of Veterans Affairs right now. A state level VA loan, hopefully will soon be in the works. And then again, it could all fall through too! LOL
We’d still be on bus lines, if kids actually want to visit. We only have a couple of those. LOL. A teaching hospital in the area affiliated with OSU, specialty cardiology is there. Medford isn’t that far away, and neither is Redding. Even if they were not there, we are both fully aware that we entering the final phases of our life. We’ve both lived way past what we thought was our expected lifetime. Every day is a blessing these days.
May as well chase dreams as we can. We would not be closer to the Bay Area or the ocean, but we’d be closer to Mammaw! 🙂 That part would be cool, as she’s made it clear she wants us around for holidays.
Ok, back to school work. One more essay due in 3 days! This one about the importance of Ellis Island in American History!!
So, our “President” has used the war powers act to order meat packers back to work.
I wonder, has anyone given any thought to the fact that farmers are flat out killing their animals since they are currently a loosing proposition. Rather stupid, I’d rather see that stuff going to food banks.
But, if there is no source of meat, just what are these meat packers supposed to pack?
My deduction: Its probably pretty obvious to most, but this decision like all the rest is politically driven. Trump is obviously getting desperate to make the economy LOOK normal. The bottom line is to be able to tout the fact that he’s seen the country through a Pandemic and saved the economy and therefore deserves another four years in the White House.
Whatever you do, don’t buy it. His job is no where near complete yet. By the time election time comes we’ll probably be smack dab in the middle of the 2nd wave of this pandemic. That is if the experts don’t have some sort of medication that lessens the outright damage this virus exacts from the human body.
The man (The Dumb Trump) has not made a move that hasn’t been politically motivated. There is no way anything is going to change now. Now, especially it is time to keep this in mind. Our big job is to vote the man out of office and pray he leaves peacefully, and that his followers are not the extremists they appear to be. Quite a few from the area where I live are promising Civil War if he’s not reelected. (Really??!!).
We can do better. Now is the time to Make America Great Again—MAGA his ass right out of office!!
History Timeline (Assignment for Immigration Class, I’m sure will be edited. I do not consider myself done.)
May 6 – The Chinese Exclusion Act is the first significant law that restricts immigration into the U.S.
The following artwork (line art?) is from a Danish immigrant newspaper called the, Bien. It is written exclusively in Danish. This photo is from April 21, 1882. I asked a Danish friend to transcribe the article for me. He discovered that the text all around the artwork is about a man who went fishing in Lake Winnebago. My friend said the story is boring!
I was disappointed that there was no text about this photo or about what prompted why it went into the public. I almost tossed the photo and started looking elsewhere.
And then I realized — This paper was published in San Francisco just before the Chinese Exclusion Act was made into law. The Chinese people had a huge presence in San Francisco and Northern California. Even back then there was a China town section in San Francisco.
So, at the very least one can look at the photo and interpret what it is trying to say with history being used to place it in context. The Chinese started coming over to the US in 1848. They were allowed in only as laborers. In 1868, The Burlington Treaty specifically allowed open immigration from China to America. But, less than 20 years later came the Chinese Exclusion Act.
When this artwork was published the Chinese were victims of “sustained” violence and other abuses. Including racism where the “natives” (not Indians) thought themselves quite superior and justified their behavior based on their very poor assumptions about who the Chinese were and how smart they really were.
When I look at this artwork, I am sad to see that the Danish people see the Chinese this way. Everyone in the picture looks male to me. We are primarily people who are laborers is what I surmise. China Town already looks crowded from the looks of the buildings. A reflection of how our culture put people in their place in terms of housing. The same happened to the Jewish in New York. The fact that it was printed at all without some text with it – I think shows how much talk there is about the impending new law. And the attitudes that the new immigrants, the Danish, have picked up on the attitudes of “white” people at the time.
(Chinese Historical Society)
The Bien, From the Danish Museum Digital Newspaper Vault
Pass this one around. I could not have said any of it better. This all hit me when the Republican leadership said that grandparents should think about giving their lives up to give their grandchildren better lives. Really? When did grandparents become a zero value commodity? This is when it suddenly dawned on me that people who scream that they are pro-lifers are probably the worlds biggest hypocrites. As is natural for me, it made me sad. I hate seeing the bad sides of people. I just don’t even want to acknowledge it. In some ways, this is where being a fence sitter actually works. A fence sitter like me can take a centrist point of view— I don’t believe in abortion for myself and I have lived that way. But, I do believe in women having the right to make the decision for themselves. I do not believe in forcing my personal choice on others. I do believe the way we treat immigrants and migrants is wholly indefensible. I do believe we need some more common sense gun control (Clyde and I disagree on this point, what I see as common sense, he sees as government control). I can’t ignore the loss of lives every time a (Usually WHITE) young man shoots up a school yard, theater, or some other group gathering. It’s time we treat our mentally ill humanely, and teach our sons that they are not privileged over another person regardless of skin color or sex. It’s time to put bullying in its place –away, 1000% NOT tolerated. Done with this particular rant.
“I’m sorry folks, but I a can’t remember what I’m doing now…forget about yesterday!”