“I’m Moving On” (DRAFT)

a song recorded by Rascal Flatts.

Tulips in Canyonville, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe-Snyder

My note:

I find myself reflecting on my life, including my behavior, feelings, actions, etc. all the time. I always have, it’s been part and parcel of trying to figure out who I am and how do I survive it all. Reflections for me take many forms. I write like crazy. Some people think that I am writing to them, or about them, but inevitability, it’s me trying to figure me out and work out my own emotions. People just need to understand that, and if they can’t they have to stop reading my stuff.

Music has always been a very cathartic media for me. I have always sung. While I was in choir in school the teacher approached my parents and offered to take me professional. So, it’s real for me, and it always was. This despite minimization over the year by some people, (mostly ex’s, and kids) I obviously had something at sometime.

Lyrics to songs, poems, etc often trigger emotional responses that lead me to reflect. As the years pass, I find the lyrics send me different messages with each listening session.

If anyone ever wondered if I got stuck on them, here is your answer. I am not. I never was.
If anyone thinks I have not thought my way through my actions. Here is your answer. I have.
If anyone thinks I’m going to apologize-no matter who you are. No, I won’t.

I have, in my life, experienced others who make it their mission to stand above those they supposedly hold dear. They took the time to look down on me (even if they were shorter than I) and see someone who was/is inferior to themselves. It took me a long time to realize that they were liars. They were not as smart as they thought. At least not in the ways that really count.
Wisdom, Kindness, Patience, Compassion, Empathy–That is smart. Ya’ll missed the point.

I did the best I could with what I had in those moments.
I did what I thought was best.
I weighed the pro’s and the con’s.
I took each child in each situation into account-
I determined if there was any form of abuse going on,
The truth is the truth, is the truth, is the truth.
You can try to bend it, break it, and manipulate it and situations any way you please.
That doesn’t change who I am or what I felt what needed done in the moments.
No– I won’t ever apologize for putting the child in first place.
Regardless of who the said child was, something was wrong.
In answer to my mother, “Life is about more than pure survival.”
Saying that your grandchild will survive implies a life that is short of life’s bounties.
Because survival takes energy, and vigilance that someone who never had to deal with survival never had to tap. Survival is simply EXHAUSTING. It takes the joy out of life.
Survival makes people work hard to control everything around them.
It can make people manipulative.
The results of survivor mode is ugly.

Your loss, however, is my gain. Keep in mind who ever you are:

What a thing to wish on a child!

Life is not about survival.
It’s about life:
Joy, Love, Peace, Knowing, Action, Belief, Faith
For me, now, it’s about moving on in every way.

Oregon Coast, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe Snyder

Oregon Coast, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe Snyder

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

About PeggyAnn

Professional PC Consultant, Researcher, & avid people watcher, Peggy Ann Rowe started into her genealogical quest at age 15 after watching the mini-series, "Roots" with her parents. This new obsession has fueled her love of history, & study of cultures & societies in every epoch. Today she is 57 years old with four kids who are all grown up (& all have flown the coop). In between her 'gigs' with clients she volunteered at many different non-profits. Former President, Secretary, and Director at Large on the board of the Douglas County Historical Society for 10+ years, and former Secretary at the Cloverdale Historical Society (Sonoma County) for nearly 10 years. This website is an attempt to share the knowledge she has gained about her family ties with others who may be interested in the same things. She does not guarantee 100% accuracy and does hope that you will send corrections. To learn more about her, click the "about" button in the page menu. Thanks! Another goal of this website is to disseminate a message (i.e. education) about domestic violence, child abuse, and all forms of sexual abuse to society at large. The message comes from real experience from the whole spectrum of the violence from sexual abuse by a perpetrator to sexual abuse perpetrated by a husband, to the abuse of children within the family. Peggy has seen it, lived it, and been hurt by it. There will on occasion be details that might be hard for some people to read, and a warning is usually posted at the beginning of the essay so that those who want to turn and not read may do so. The only way to teach and to let others learn what to avoid is to SHARE what happened with every detail necessary to make the point. Thank you.
This entry was posted in Depression, Estrangement, Forgiveness, History, Memories, Mental Illnesses, Pacific Northwest, Personal, Photography, PTSD and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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