a song recorded by Rascal Flatts.
Tulips in Canyonville, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe-Snyder
My note:
I find myself reflecting on my life, including my behavior, feelings, actions, etc. all the time. I always have, it’s been part and parcel of trying to figure out who I am and how do I survive it all. Reflections for me take many forms. I write like crazy. Some people think that I am writing to them, or about them, but inevitability, it’s me trying to figure me out and work out my own emotions. People just need to understand that, and if they can’t they have to stop reading my stuff.
Music has always been a very cathartic media for me. I have always sung. While I was in choir in school the teacher approached my parents and offered to take me professional. So, it’s real for me, and it always was. This despite minimization over the year by some people, (mostly ex’s, and kids) I obviously had something at sometime.
Lyrics to songs, poems, etc often trigger emotional responses that lead me to reflect. As the years pass, I find the lyrics send me different messages with each listening session.
If anyone ever wondered if I got stuck on them, here is your answer. I am not. I never was.
If anyone thinks I have not thought my way through my actions. Here is your answer. I have.
If anyone thinks I’m going to apologize-no matter who you are. No, I won’t.
I have, in my life, experienced others who make it their mission to stand above those they supposedly hold dear. They took the time to look down on me (even if they were shorter than I) and see someone who was/is inferior to themselves. It took me a long time to realize that they were liars. They were not as smart as they thought. At least not in the ways that really count.
Wisdom, Kindness, Patience, Compassion, Empathy–That is smart. Ya’ll missed the point.
I did the best I could with what I had in those moments.
I did what I thought was best.
I weighed the pro’s and the con’s.
I took each child in each situation into account-
I determined if there was any form of abuse going on,
EVEN IF ONLY VERBAL ABUSE–because WORDS MATTER!
The truth is the truth, is the truth, is the truth.
You can try to bend it, break it, and manipulate it and situations any way you please.
That doesn’t change who I am or what I felt what needed done in the moments.
No– I won’t ever apologize for putting the child in first place.
Regardless of who the said child was, something was wrong.
In answer to my mother, “Life is about more than pure survival.”
Saying that your grandchild will survive implies a life that is short of life’s bounties.
Because survival takes energy, and vigilance that someone who never had to deal with survival never had to tap. Survival is simply EXHAUSTING. It takes the joy out of life.
Survival makes people work hard to control everything around them.
It can make people manipulative.
The results of survivor mode is ugly.
Your loss, however, is my gain. Keep in mind who ever you are:
What a thing to wish on a child!
Life is not about survival.
It’s about life:
Joy, Love, Peace, Knowing, Action, Belief, Faith
For me, now, it’s about moving on in every way.
Oregon Coast, Copyright 2019 Peggy A. Rowe Snyder
I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on
