I had never heard of a parasomonia until just a few days ago. A parasomnia is a group of specific sleep disorders where a person is awaken or not and are in an alternate reality, sleep walking, or whatever. It generally happens when a person is rudely awaken or has awakened in the middle of the night while in a deep sleep. Sometimes they happen when a person is waking up. Often the people who have these disorders do not even know what is going on at night. Ha!! Talk about night life!!
I think I have experienced the one called Confusional Arousal now. Of course, a doctor would need to make the official call. In this case, I was probably waking up from a dream (which I do not remember) and it just kind of continued on after my eyes opened on. I was aware, I remember it, I thought I was awake. The worst part of it though, and this is the first time ever, I woke up thinking I was in bed with my father. This bothers me greatly.
I’ve had a series of these the past couple of months. The major theme through them all, is that I am either in my childhood home (which I’ve not been in since my 20’s) or in my home, either way my mom is around except I determine she’s lost or missing. I have actually gotten up and out of bed to look for her. It is during this process that I realize where I sit in reality and correct my ‘vision’ and move on with real life. In general this hits around 3 a.mish.
This is unlike any flashback I’ve ever experienced. I am diagnosed with PTSD and flashbacks are part and parcel of that one. This is very much like a memory, except so far as I know, I’ve never had a memory bubble up like this. I have a tendency to think this is conincindental to something or other, and while my brain may be working out issues, its really not relavant to now. I think. Maybe my brain doesn’t like the fact that in someways that relationship remains in the air… unconcluded in totality. Even though, in reality, I’ve gotten all I’m going to get out of the woman. I know her now. She’s not the woman she portrays herself to be. She has up a very false facade as some one who follows the rule of law and is above most of the rest of the world in those very terms. She deems herself perfect and untouchable–though in reality she is the same as the rest of us: vulnerable, weak, fragile, in pain, not 100% happy. To make matters worse her denial of the facts, which by some would be called flat out lies–dominiate the past 30 years.
I really do not understand why I am looking for her. I would understand it more, if I were looking for any of my kids.
So, I don’t know. Is it confusional arousal? A memory? I’ve had several of these–but only this last one had my dad in it. When I checked out the body it was my husband and I realized it was my husband, but the fact did not stop me from looking for my mother. Wierd!! Speaking of husband, he thinks its a memory bubbling up and that it backs up what I have felt were probably memories on the edge of being uncovered. The big question of course, is what did my father do to me when I was very small. Whatever it was, it was bad enough that my mom’s brother tried to hurt him and they physically fought. Whatever it was my uncle could not name it. The look on his face was just painful. Pathetic. It all just hurt. The suspeciaion is that I was sexually abused by my father while a very tiny little girl. I guess, we’ll see.
Ok, back to work. Ya’ll have a great day!! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.
& Congrats to Vice President Biden on becoming President Elect! I am elated that Kamala Harris is your Vice President elect. To see a woman come into this level of power in our country during my lifetime is a dream come true. Between the two of you, I have hope for the future.
