The past couple of weeks have just been absolutely nuts! So much going on. A car in the shop to get the transmission worked on yet again. We have not driven it like a race car or abused it in any way. It’s still under warranty for the rebuild, so back it went. It’s leaking Transmission fluid and having trouble engaging the gears. I’ve only lost my temper and drove it fast once. Really! Yes, for me that’s a pretty much a record. Another idiot thought he could run me off the road coming up on my rear end probably close to 100 MPH. I think, (not that I’m a mind reader), but I think he thought I’d see him and get out of the way. I was going the speed limit. I was keeping up with traffic, and I was in a SOUR mood. I tapped my brake which had the desired effect. He panicked and hit his brakes pretty hard, and I used that time to speed up and get even with a big rig. He actually thought he was going to get around me. He had to slam on his breaks again. So sorry, dude. From that point on, he spent very little time behind me after that. Scared much, stupid?? He did think he was going to push me off the road one more time. So, this time I put a little oomph into the brake. That was the end of the game. He did not try it anymore, and I got ahead of the truck on the uphill and got over and he went happily around us both. People really need to take others into consideration though. You know…. I have been rear-ended, and I am fairly sure I have PTSD left over from that. I have terrible reactions to people coming too close to the rear of my car. And by golly, if I can’t see your headlights, you are just too damn close and I’ll take action at that point. Most of the time, I see people coming and get over, but sometimes I miss it. It happens… just don’t ride my ass. And we will get along just fine. I won’t say how fast I was going at one point when I looked down at my speedometer. But, suffice it to say, I had NO clue the car would move that fast on a steep uphill mountain (Cascades, I-5, between Roseburg and Grants Pass). I had absolutely NO freakin clue!!!
More good and nutty news, I’ve been accepted to a University. Yea, age 57, close to 60 and wondering if it’s gonna be a waste of time But, accepted to work on a history degree….and I am absolutely ELATED, I think I’m going to be a BEAVER (Corvallis?). Being a Beaver will be kind of fun. I can hear the jokes now, considering I’m female and all. LOL. Now, I have to break it to my youngest. There is a good chance we’ll be starting and ending at nearly the same time. Which I think will be cool, but she stands to lose a little financial aide. That part is not good. I’ll see if I can not take that away from her.
LOL – and that’s not all. We’ll have an unofficial official anniversary in two days, that will be 14 years. It’s official, in all honesty. We’ve not spent a single day apart in anger…. or any other negative thing. For the most part, I would not change a thing. But, wait, there is more. The best part of this for me and it’s an OLD thing, in one more year, I will officially be married to this one longer than to my first one. If that ex of mine has not been officially been tucked away in my psyche, then I will do that this year. Next year will be one hell of a celebration for me. As the sage says with his/her words: “The best way to get even is to live your best life.” Been there, doing that. LOL. Have realized that most of my PTSD do actually come from my first marriage. Which my family of origin did set me up for. But, most of the stuff I avoid is anything that reminds me of that situation. The final divorce was in March 1995. I waited 10 years before officially tying a knot. There was a boyfriend in between if he can be called that. I have my doubts. It was a pretty one-sided relationship that was fairly emotionally abusive.
Crazier: ….I caught the Detective Pikachu. Not once now, but three times. That’s important, right? Ahem, yea… almost 60 years old and catching Pokemon. LOL, Hopefully, there are worse ways to waste time. I think it is fun, and the game serves its purpose. Even though I swore it would NEVER encourage me to move my body, I was wrong, it does. I’ll walk for a digital, form-less, but cute Pokemon. Crazy right?!? I think so.
After swearing, out loud even, that I would not have any more hens, I’ve given four young hens a home. I’m back up to eight hens. We are getting between five and eight eggs a day. We had our first omelet in about four years. It was just for shits and giggles, and OMG, it was so good. There was no meat in it. Sauteed onion, red bell pepper, and mushrooms wrapped in an egg blanket with lots of fresh black pepper in the egg. Yum. We did do a couple other really bad things with that meal. I included a generous portion of Mexican mix grated cheese (OMG, GOOD!) inside and atop the omelet. We bought a small container of sour cream for it too. The truth is we’ll never be 100% vegan. I wish we were not such meat lovers, but it’s how we were raised. I think only having an omelet every four years could be once a month, we are doing very, very well. That’s nuts!! (Hazelnuts?? !! Nope still haven’t planted the hazelnut trees yet, nor the Cherry trees…)
Speaking of Cherry Trees, we’ve planted two more apple trees, and two new pear trees and have two semi-dwarf cherry trees to plant. We are looking for another plumb tree now. And he’s decided to get a pineapple guava and plant it on a pig fence arch (yet to be installed).
He is moving the fish pond for the third time. I really liked it where it was. It really makes me sad. We’ll see what the follow through looks like. A third time though… that’s nuts. And it’s only about 20 feet from where it was originally (or will be when he’s done). Ha!
The crazies. Well for some it’s not crazy at all. For me it is. I’ve seen people abuse drugs, and show so much lack of empathy (apathy?) that I’ve spent the majority of my life avoiding all illicit drugs. Well, in Oregon, Marijuana is no longer illegal. And it’s not like I fell into just using it, I use it mostly medically and I find that it helps a LOT. But, yes, this is fairly nuts for me. I have to say in my own defense, I waited to even try it until I was pretty desperate. It was not yet legal, but there was the talk of it being on the ballot. I was in so much pain from a psychological viewpoint, that anything, and I do ANYTHING would have passed muster if it helped. My first hit was simply to try and get help overcoming the pain. It was never about getting high, and it never will be for me. Even though, I did it with hubby having full knowledge (he’s an ex-MP, and was in law enforcement for 8 years, ahem…) that did not make it really ok. He accepted it, but did not approve I guess is how I’d say it. But, I had reached the point where I had driven off with the plan of saying goodbye to my loved ones in the cemeteries of Oregon and then driving to Washington (because Oregon land was just too sacred for me to even think about committing suicide in) and plowing myself into a far off mountain ravine. And that is just not me. If ever there was a fighter in this world, it is I. The 2nd and 3rd times, at least 6 months between each hit was for the same purpose. A painful time in life to say the least. My boy was still giving me his growing pains (and still does sometimes, but gosh he is really trying hard right now) and my youngest, well, she was just being hard-headed, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to be her mother for a while. The 2nd hit I got a little too much and got ‘high’ and I fought it as best I could. My son sat with me through it. He kept telling me that I wasn’t acting like it was affecting me at all, and he had trouble believing that I was under the influence at all. Considering I was the one who was clocking out from reality and had the worlds best apple at snack time….. I was till preaching about how bad the shit was. LOL. Mostly because I didn’t intend to end up that way in the least. A hit or two is very relaxing. It helps to melt the hurt away even if only temporarily. In general, I lay down and sleep. I have had a bad case of insomnia my whole life. It is due, I think, to hyperarousal from PTSD. I’m on the constant lookout for the man in the night. In fact, I’ve been running from him for just about my entire life. The unknowable, unseeable, gotta be the male perpetrator of my life. Probably my father. Once the worst of it was over, my son left the house, and I laid down for a nice sleep. I then talked to my sister (who has experience with these things) and she warned me to never take one or two hits. So, I don’t. Except that I’ve now made the same mistake twice. It doesn’t hit instantly so I think I don’t get anything, and I go in for more. That is what happened last week to me and my hubby who did his very first trial run. He hated it because it felt like he was having an anohter stroke. But, we giggled and had a ton of fun. We are both so serious… we’ve never giggled like that before together. I for one liked it. He said never again. I told him he got too much, and a local grocery owner told him he got the “FEAR”. LOL–which I suppose is what I got when my son gave me a brownie full of the shit and I thought I was dying. Either way for the two of us straight-laced old farts, the mold has been broken. Neither of us is virgins of wacky tabacky anymore.
After a while, when the giggling was all over, I guess, at least for him. He wanted to rest and get away from the terrible feeling of an impending stroke. I was left alone with my thoughts, and for someone like myself who likes to break a thought down into its pieces and really think about what they might mean in every way. Well, let’s just say I was in 7th heaven. It was awesome, I thought, that I could think in “Parallel” (the best word I have for it), and that was not all. I had feelings I had not felt in years, and I realized and wondered if I’d been under the influence as a child (2nd handed smoke from dad, entirely possible). Suddenly it made absolute sense and still does. And I was on the very edge of memories. I could almost reach out and touch them they were so close. I have since begun a search of how marijuana might be helpful in retrieving trauma memories. If it helps, even with tears, it would be helpful to move on from all that crap, finally.
So, that is where I stand as of now. I own a little baby clone. It’s cute. My son said to feed it pineapple juice (I don’t thinks so). And it’s still very under control in terms of that it will be used for only pain (Psychological and physical — diabetic neuropathy is hell!). Because my arthritis has taken a turn for the worse and so has the neuropathy, even for temporary relief, mostly so I can get good sleep, I see as a reasonable ‘excuse’ for use. That is the craziest, I guess… of this past week and half.
