Quite some years ago I wrote an essay about Domestic Violence. It was for a college class. As I researched the paper, I came to a lot of conclusions.
One conclusion I came to is that verbal abuse, another word for it, emotional abuse can sting the heart and hurt the body & soul as bad as any sucker punch in the stomach.
Today, what blows me away is that I became aware of this stuff, tried to teach my kids to act above it, and to not participate in it. I wanted so badly to break the cycle. I recently learned in therapy, that it can take up to six generations before researchers might see that cycle broken. 6 Generations. I’ll be long gone before that comes to fruition.
One person says that I have called her a “monster” when I never used the word and never even intended it to be taken that way. I sent a message to a member of a little girls family to not let her be alone with a certain adult. Said certain person has a very brash, harsh, ruthless, & cunning personality who when she feels she’s correct there is no correcting her. She’ll say what ever it is that comes to mind, regardless of who it hurts.
Said person told me that the little girl was giving her a hard time one day. She told the little girl she could treat her mother like that, but the little girl was not to treat her like that. In my mind, I saw a hint of driving a wedge between that little girl and her mother.
Not exactly violent, but for certain manipulative. A working of relationships where the woman will never have to fear reprisal of her actions. Putting ideas into a little girls mind, encouraging her to treat her mother poorly, and setting a poor example.
Said person also stated that the little girls mother is bi polar, and off meds, and causing trouble. Really, REALLY, reliable sources say the mother is not bi polar, if anyone should be on meds, it’s the father. Having seen mother’s home, I told my other half, there was no way that (the mother) woman was bi polar.
The consequences at this point, is the loss of support from family members. Family members are not going to emotionally support anyone who is actively trying to tear down someone’s family (Including herself) in order to get what they want.
Anytime, a person feels they need to lie and manipulate relationships in order to get what they need, then something is wrong with the picture. It is time for a reboot. It is time to think deeply and and question thy self’s motivations. Get to the root of the problem and fix it.
Another family member, in a 100% different situation. Recently called me a c***.
I told my other half, years ago, if he ever called me that name, that would end everything right at that very moment. There would be no looking back. Same thing can be said to any person in my sphere. Relationship over, there is no more. Said son-in-law(ish) is no longer ever allowed in this home, he is no longer considered a member of this family.
Not that I think that he cares.
Son in law has indeed, got what he was probably after. He has separated daughter from her family. And that IS a form of Domestic Abuse. Even if all he did was use words, it’s still abuse and it’s wrong. I tried to tell said daughter that the whole situation was heart breaking. He accused me of trying to play the victim. What he did was squash a perfectly valid communication from mother to daughter. Again, abusive. He can’t take away the way I feel, and the way I feel is not wrong, trying to con vie it was not wrong. But, she shut me down quite efficiently.
When will these young people who think they are right, based on their own dysfunctional thinking pattern realize how manipulating they are, how hurtful they are.
This mother, has been mourning the ‘death’ of several relationships for the past couple of years. And anyone can step up into my face and tell me I’m the one who screwed up. But, with weekly therapy, bouncing off of friends and family who know how healthy I want to be, and how I have fought and educated myself to become healthy, open, respectful, fair, supportive, & loving. Considering how much I think about each thing that I say and do because I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything. I could be wrong. But, chances are, that I am not.
My other half and I have spent the past two years mourning and trying to figure out what we did wrong. Whatever it was the “punishment” was more severe than the “wrong doing”
In the recent very short conversation where I was called the “c***” – it was made clear that it was the other half who did the no good, very bad, horrible thing.
Whence I told the other half about the conversation and the name I was called. HE declared that son-in-law was not part of the family, and that he will never be welcome in this home again. He says that is far as he is concerned, son-in-laws true thoughts and feelings about us as a family has finally surfaced, and he is acting upon them. There is no need in us subjecting ourselves to him again. Let me just say right here, that I agree. I am truly sorry that he turned out to be such a snake in the grass.
Daughter #1 – needs to get over herself. She’s been caught in a bunch of lies, and mom is not going to have it in her life. You can lie to everyone else if you so choose. There will never been any trolling for emotional reactions in my house. It is inappropriate behavior.
Your mother does not lie, you father does… think about that.
Daughter #2 – while loved and still welcome, she won’t like the message being sent across the airwaves. I dare say she’ll stay married to him for several years. Message for son-in-law. She is way smarter than you give her credit for. She’ll figure it all out. In the end, it will be you who gets left out in the cold. Women stick together. Wicked men, in general, don’t have the smarts to pull the wool over someone’s eyes for forever. It took a few years, but you finally said just enough to tell us what you really are, and what your motivations are. Good luck with that, you have been divorced by us in the meantime.
So, ladies and germs of Universe of Wharton World, have a great life. I’m going to continue making memories, and walking down memory lane.
It looks to me like I have two kids..of the four.
One 27, and one 19.