History bites us in the a**

I’ve come to the conclusion that our own personal history does indeed come back to bite us in the a**.    And because it’s our own personal history it can hit us in many different & unique ways.  To be honest, it’s not all bad, but it’s the bad that hits us between the eyes, knocks us down, and has us wishing we were never born!

Part of my own personal history is that I am a mother.   A mother of four.  Most women are mom’s so that part of it is not so special.  I am the mother of three survivors of sexual abuse. I also am a survivor.  What I have learned over the years is that it “runs in the family” so to speak.  So, considering the history of my clan (which again is not unique), it was just our turn.  I guess…

I was once given a statistic by a therapist.  Really, it was a very sad statistic, and incredibly horrible thing that is a truth about women on a whole. The vast majority of mothers sweep the news of a child being sexually abused under the rug.  They do not protect the child, they do not fight the perpetrator, in fact, some of them blame the child.   I’m no where near the majority on that one– I fought.

I fought and I lost.  And I’ll explain, because it’s all real debatable if I lost or not.  But, from a legal standpoint, I lost– I lost for my child.  I just lost.

Now before I go on,  let me just explain, one of those three kids is adopted, and her abuse happened before I had any power to do anything for her.  The perpetrator is a teacher in San Jose, California.  If I had the name,  I would STILL turn him in.  But, she did not see it as a bad thing, and has never given me any information.  Just the same, that teacher needs to walk on tip toe, and watch his back.  One day she’ll realize she wasn’t as grown up as she thought she was.

And for my son– it’s all a big question mark.  He’s made accusations, the perp denies.  There is no proof except in behaviors, and if that were to settle a case, then the perp lies.
Mom acts accordingly.  It is an ongoing situation.

And perps do lie.  In my step-father’s confession to police, he claimed that he was given permission to molest my oldest child.  Permission from myself and my husband (at the time, now an ex).   He was given no such permission from me.  I doubt if he was given permission from my ex, but then with him, who the hell knows… My ex actually asked me to sleep with his sister….

A sick situation every way you turn it ’round.

But, it’s been over 20  years now.  The perpetrator, step-father is six feet under.  And two days ago I ‘heard’ for the first time that my mother (a retired school district employee) actually announced herself before going upstairs where my step father was with my daughter, so as not to intrude, or maybe not to see, knowing her, so that when she said she didn’t know… she could rationalize it all in her mind.  The bottom line is that she failed to protect her grand daughter.

You know, it’s hard to forget all the facts..the hurt is just so huge.  My life was shattered in one day.  I cried because I felt I’d lost something, a girlfriend suggest that I’d lost my daughters innocence.  I don’t know, I think I just cried because it was such a big hurt.

That morning, after dropping my seven  year old daughter off at school, I went over to my mothers house so we could take our daily walk.  It was a time that I enjoyed, my mother and I actually talked…  I thought we had a good relationship. I thought I had a mom.

The morning kind of started out normally.  Except that mom had to say something.  Very quietly so as to not wake my step-father who was at that time a  hard working AC Transit bus driver.  He worked late.  The had a nice life together. A two story, three bedroom, 1 1/2 bath and two car garage.  On the outside it looked comfortable, peaceful, maybe even upper middle class.  She drove an Olds, and he drove the Cad.

So mom needed to talk.  She started out by telling me that my daughter could not go on their trip with them that summer.  Ok!! Not an issue, every couple is entitled to time alone. But I have to admit I was over 20 years younger then too.  I had to ask why.  The more that was said, the more I questioned sometimes aloud, and sometimes not. But, all in all, my mother sounded jealous of my daughter, and I flat out told her that she was making me think that my step father was molesting my child.  Her response to that was to throw her arms up in the air and walk away from me up the stairs.

We took no walk, I left, I went on with my day on that cold, cloudy January day in 1991.

That afternoon, the fog lifted as it did most days in the San Fransisco Bay Area.  And the phone rang. Mom was on the other end.  She whispered because she did not want her husband to hear–
“there is an after school special on TV today. Have Pammy watch it.”
“Why are you whispering mom?”…
“So Jack won’t hear.”
“Why can’t Jack hear?  What is so special about this show, mom?”
“Just have Pammy watch the show.”

So, I picked up my girl from school. We went to  McDonald’s and picked up dinner so that I didn’t have to cook during the show. My husband, myself, and my daughter at down on the couch to watch the after school special with dinner right there.  And I literally watched my daughter try to literally climb the walls to get away from the information coming through–the after school special was about a little girl being molested.

“Mommy, I have something to tell you”

That is how our journey started. And everyone defending my mother listens to her denials,  and assersions that she knew nothing, when in fact, she knew it all, and even made a deal with the devil so that she could continue to live her nice life in suburbia.

I called the police immediately.  Later, I went to my mothers job to talk to her.  Don’t tell Jack what is going on, I’ve called the police.  My mother looked me straight in the eye and wanted to know why I had called the police.

My mother’s job at that time was as an attendance aide for Newark Unified School District. An underpaid person to keep track of student attendance and to threaten them back to school if that what was needed.  Part of her job was to go into homes and talk to parents about student attendance.  She was by law a mandated reporter.  If she saw abuse it was her job to report it to the authorities.  I’m sure she failed at that more than once.

It took months to get the full story from my daughter, though I’m sure I never got the full story.  She was seven at the time. No one could blame her for not remembering, not wanting to talk about it although once she opened up, she seemed very open.  It took months for it to hit me full force and realize what ALL had happened.  Though the truth is, that I’ll never know what ALL happened, because the perpetrator and his wife, I’m sure are taking plenty to their grave with them.

It was a holiday weekend, and I had to wait for the detectives to interview us, to do their work, and to apprehend my step-father.  They finally got him on Tuesday that next week. He called me and asked me if he could pick my daughter up from school.  I said yes, and I called the  detective.  I did not want to tip off my step-father so I had acted naturally.  I got off the phone with the police and went and pulled my daughter out of school, took her home, and locked the front door.  The police found him on campus, and played good cop/bad cop with him; basically playing with his mind and letting him leave, following him. He headed towards our house, it turns out he wanted to know where my daughter was. They stopped him, and searched his car and the home.  The car was packed up for a trip.
I’ve lived my life wondering, if my daughter would have lived through that trip. The house was clean except for video’s that the police found.  My daughter at her dance recitals.  The detective told me that  my step-father watched them to “get off.”  I found it all just unbelievable.

My step-confessed.  He was charged with four mistomeaner accounts, although the detective later told me that there was enough evidence to charge him with over a dozen felony counts.  He was sent to Alameda County Jail to wait his arraignment.  That night we asked my mother to spend the night with us, so she felt safe, so we felt safe.

As she and I talked about what happened.  One remark came from her mouth that caught me utterly by surprise.  Keeping in mind that my mother was in her early 50’s at the time, and my step-father was 57 years of age.  My mother said, “I was afraid that Jack would divorce me and marry her, so I had to protect myself.”  The other ‘woman’ was all of seven years old on that day!

I got up and walked out to the front porch of our home to get some air…and I took deep breaths.  My husband followed me and I asked him if I had really heard what I had just heard.  He affirmed it.  How does a woman who doesn’t know anything know to protect herself? How??

The reader may wish to believe as do many of my mothers friends do, that I made this all up. That is what my mother told them. I made it all up, and I put the ideas in my daughters head.  She quietly supported my actions as a mother until I called her on these facts, and then I became a liar, a bad mother, a bad person…somehow, I became the bad guy.

“Mom, where is the gun? I want the gun.”

“How do you know about the gun? What are you going to do with it?”

“Pammy told me about it, and I’m taking it to the police.”  That monster threatened my child with a gun.

“Mom, where is the vibrator… I want the vibrator.”

“How do you know about the vibrator, and what are you going to do with it?”

“Pammy told me, mom, and I’m taking it to the police.”  The monster used a vibrator on my child.

My mother did not know?

My mother once told me, about how she and Jack had fought over my daughters school photograph.  He would sit at the table in the mornings eating his oatmeal and stare at the photo the whole time.  She made it sound as if he were totally addicted to my child.  She would hide the photograph.  He would find it, put it back, and go on back to his staring.  This “fight” apparently went on for weeks…

She did not know?

She knew….

She still knows… she is still waiting for me to apologize.  It is she who needs to apologize.  My daughter was never meant to be blood money for her to use as her own.  My daughter was and is a gift from the universe to be treasured, and taught, and loved, and protected.

Patricia Lorine Coop Rowe Doyal of Newark, California: You owe my daughter an apology!

You don’t protect yourself from a seven year old.  You protect the seven year old from the monster!!!!!!

 

 

Posted in History, Just Jabber, Mental Illnesses, My Maternal Side, Political Crap, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

VanAtta video

http://youtu.be/ZT4MEfM0Bho

 

My cousin made this video, and it is very good. Anyone with the Vanatta surname in their background really wants to see this!! Variations on the name include: VanEtten (the original form), Vanattor, VanAtter, Vannatta, etc. The name has been convoluted a lot over the years, but if you have one of those names, congratulations, you are related to me!! Hehehe!!! ~P.A.R.S

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Read this!

Good Day Everyone—
I hope everyone is well. I’m writing about something very important. Please read the whole email.Today, I found out that a license that I deal with has been compromised. It has been used to activate the product 175,379 times.Let me say first, there virtually NO one person to blame for this. The best we can do is keep our networking hardware and software up to date, and PRAY.

However, now that I’ve said that I want to offer some advice that you can use to help prevent this from happening again. When I talked to the tech support person at Microsoft she used a very important word when she talked to me. She said that, “This key was actually blocked because it was leaked.” The important word here is LEAKED.

What that means is that the network is vulnerable in some way. My guess is that someone hacked into the network and stole the license from one of the machines.

If you are using a personally owned mobile machine (aka laptop, netbook, tablet, ipod, ipad, smartphone, etc.) and connecting to the network at school:

1. Make sure that your antimalware and antivirus software are updated with the most recent definitions.
2. If you have software firewall, make sure it is turned ON.
3. If you have the capability of hard wiring yourself into the network, then consider doing that. Ethernet is far more secure than wireless.
4. NEVER download software from a source you do not trust. (I know that is a broad statement)
5. Consider NEVER connecting to a wireless hotspot. They should be secure, but they are incredibly easy to hack.
6. Be careful to never accept and install illegal copies of software from anyone, or any place on the internet.
7. Do not loan (even for a ½ minute) your machine to anyone. Period

If you need something, PLEASE, PLEASE ask. Send me an email! Sometimes it is hard for even me with all these years’ experience to know when a website has legitimate software. Having said that, I also know about a lot of places that are not legitimate. Even when you get legitimate software from a hack website, you are downloading a lot more than you are bargaining for.

Very recently a client downloaded a FREE version of Adobe Reader. This is very legitimate software. However, she choose to go to a website other than adobe.com to download the program from, and now her machine is full of malware and spyware. The machine is slower than molasses, and it drops network connections all the time. I spend more of my time correcting these kinds of problems on client machines than I do any other activity. So, keep in mind if you are confused, you are NOT alone. ASK!!

In the meantime, Please don’t use any borrowed or second hand thumb drives (aka flash drives, USB drives, memory sticks) unless you know or trust the source. This will help to keep possible movement of malware designed to steal licenses to a minimum.

Also, at home networks: make sure your firewall on your router is turned ON. Never turn it off. Consider hard wiring yourself into network instead of using wireless.

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Are PCs dead?

Hi there, I just read an article and I thought I’d share it!

Concerning the death of the PC, I’ve been asked by several people what the wave of the future is. Are PCs dead? My answer has been 1.) If I try to say what the next fad is, I’d be pretty silly because technology is changing at a rate that most people cannot predict what will truly come into play next.

2.) How in the world can PCs be dead when to write a report, or create a website or just about any kind of document you really need a Keyboard! In general, keyboards are built into or are plug in (able) to the device. I have an extra keyboard for my tablet. But it’s very small, about five inches by 8 inches. Way too small to type in a comfortable way!

I do not see tablets or smart phones replacing PCs anytime soon for those reasons alone. But, there are other reasons. The largest tablet that I am aware of is a 10 inch screen. I’m getting old. I like the larger screens that come with a PC. When I make graphics for a website or a document, I want to be able to zoom in to the pixel level and change what I want to change, that requires more video power than any tablet will give me, not to mention the real estate needed on a monitor. There are just so many reasons that PCs will be sticking around!

From an educator standpoint my guess is that PCs will mostly be sticking around if for no other reason, Keyboarding.
Any child who grows up and goes into working on computers for a living will need these skills. IF they work for a newspaper, they’ll need
The keyboard short cuts for their word processing or graphics editing. IF they go into accounting they’ll have to know their way around spreadsheets intimately. Police officers have PCs attached inside the cars now, as do those big rigs you see running down the road. I have an uncle who drove truck, before he retired in 2007 he was having to use a proprietary system inside his truck. A person can’t even run a farm without a computer these days!

Anyway, end of that lecture! LOL. The intent of this email is only to point out that I am not the only person with this opinion.
Below is a link to an article written by a very well respected expert in the PC world. I thought you might enjoy it! Peg

http://askleo.com/are-pcs-doomed/?awt_l=BjK.g&awt_m=JcamRBAGsZdfbL

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Remember BCC!

Just a few notes about privacy and emails.

#1: No matter what you do there is NO real privacy when it comes to email. ***IF*** someone really wants to see what is going on (who all it’s going to) then there are ways to find out. It’s not difficult at all. Don’t believe for one minute that you are safe from spies because the email whizzes through cyberspace so fast. This is not true. The internet provider can provide a log of what is said, as can the email provider (if it is a separate company), and a crack with a computer can easily find it floating out there in archives in cyberspace. When it’s reached point B from point A, it’s not gone. The best solution for this particular part of your lesson ? is if the message is so important that others should not hear it or see it (i.e. of a very personal nature, or corporate secrets, etc.) then don’t send the communication via email.

#2: At the level of an average computer user some folks will know how to BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) and some will not.
It’s ok either way. This is a way to give recipients of emails some semblance of privacy. That includes me, who knows it gives no true privacy, because I know most people out there don’t know how to ‘hack’ the emails to get email addresses out of the email header. Blind Carbon Copy option is available In every email program I’ve ever used. It might be hidden but it’s always there so far as I can tell. Usually to unhide it, all you have to do is click the CC (carbon copy) or To buttons in the mail program to get it to show.

When you are mass mailing a group of people from a place like a school or business where privacy is a big issue then always, always send the email to yourself (NOTE: this particular email I sent to ME!). The TO: field should always say to Joe Blow, Perfectly Peggy, Office Supreme, or whoever you are. You can even customize your email. To have it say it’s from anyone, or anything you want. But that’s probably another lesson.

Then put all the folks you want to send an email to in the BCC field. It doesn’t matter if you want to send a group (called a Contact Group in Office 2010 and above, just called a group in Outlook 7 and below) or to a few individuals. The process is exactly the same.

Here are some pretty good resources about the BCC feature:

For Outlook 2010 http://support.microsoft.com/kb/299804

Outlook: http://blogs.office.com/b/microsoft-outlook/archive/2012/03/23/5-tips-on-using-bcc-in-outlook-.aspx

BCC in Thunderbird: http://www.howtogeek.com/79963/bcc-blind-carbon-copy-in-mozilla-thunderbird/

BCC in Gmail: https://support.google.com/mail/answer/57143?hl=en

BCC in Yahoo: http://help.yahoo.com/l/in/yahoo/mail/yahoomail/basics/basics-08.html

I hope this helps you all some! Peggy

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My Newest Rant

Mental Illness, Drugs, and **MY** Kid!

My open letter to representatives.  This was sent to Federal, State, and County levels, including the local District Attorney! It also went to committee members of the Oregon State Legislature where we live.

Part I: http://pegrowe.com/?page_id=1935

Part II:  http://pegrowe.com/?page_id=1988

WesleySnyder02

Wesley10 Wesley01

 

 

 

 

 

A story about a lovely little boy who grew up  bi polar w/psychosis (mental illness). He struggles with the voices, & psychosis nearly every single day of his life.  A story about a mom who loves him, and yet, must walk a line of keeping herself, the family, the son,  & society in general safe; them safe from him, him safe from them! A story about a system that gave a lot of genuinely great helpers and yet sadly, so far hasn’t helped much in the long run. Once the child becomes an adult, the helping ends, and legal powers that parents might have had to help the young adult make better decisions in life run out.  The end result can be a violent and disastrous end.  Bi polar w/psychosis is a serious mental illness, that can be a lifelong endurance test for the sufferer, and those within their circle.
This is installment #1

Links:

A man also from our general area of the world -who should never be going to jail, as he was “out of touch” when this happened.

Posted in Announcements, General News, Mental Illnesses, Political Crap, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mr. Mish Needs a Lesson

Mr. Mish needs a lesson in generalizations and what they are, along with being given a heaping dose of empathy, forced if need be!

 

The following paragraph was written as a comment to the following blog: 
http://globaleconomicanalysis.blogspot.com/2013/03/unwilling-to-work-1-in-4-in-hale-county.html?#echocomments

     Do not assume that because unemployment is running out that everyone who follows with a claim of disability is a fraud!  My husband lost his job in Sept 2011.  It was a combination of  bad economy, and worse management.  He’d made it through cuts for two years prior.  My husband also has an inherited condition where he makes way too much cholesterol.  With out medication and today’s technologies, he’d be dead.  His father died at 34 of his third heart attack. His older brother died at 46. Many others in the family have issues related to this same disease.  Loosing his job meant loosing health insurance.  

     Losing health insurance meant we could not afford all our medications.  In Oregon, being unemployed does not get you into state health care.  A year and half after loosing his job his chest started hurting with exertion.  Keep in mind, the man had a 4-way (fixing 6 blockages) bypass in 2006 and went right back to work! Just as unemployment payments were running out, he was finally getting tests that found out he has a 100% blockage on one of his grafts.  He’s not faking that!  His medications make him dizzy, he can’t even tarp a wood pile or play with the dog without pain. And social security says because he is only 49, and has 13 years of education (not a degree), he can go and get a job! He can’t drive.  He can’t run around a gas pump.  He can’t go back to truck driving because he is insulin dependent.  

     You can have your theory, but there will always be those stories that don’t fit.  To generalize a sector of the population as fraudulent is to show people your own lack of empathy and puts down those who are legitimately ill.   Take into consideration also that the population is aging in greater numbers than ever before in history, and you’ll soon see a lot more troubles than a lot of people being put on disability.  How about housing… we’ll dig ourselves out of that mess, only to crash again because of all the houses hitting the market as we age out and leave our homes behind.  There is more to this story than you are willing to look at.  To be fair, you should take it all into consideration.  There is an awful lot of shades of gray out there in the real world!

Now, I’ve had my say, Mr. Mish!

Posted in Culture, General News, Just Jabber, Links, Political Crap, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Mental Health is the Issue, NOT Guns!

Prayers for all folks who are affected by today’s shootings. It’s time for a letter writing campaign to Washington D.C. Of course, there will be new discussions about gun control. We can take them out of the hands of the law abiding citizens and these ‘bad guys’ will still get them and do their damage. My opinion in this case is that I think we need to concentrate more as a nation on mental health issues. My guess is that we are going to find over and over again some serious mental health issues going on here.

Something needs to be done to reign in the people who need the help the worst, and set them on a path of peacefulness. We need to help them turn off the voices in their head. A law to force them to take their medications might be just the thing (sorry to say it). I can say this because I have a bi polar son who is psychotic during his manic episodes. And I can see him doing something like what happened today, and **IF** I could sign a piece of paper, and put him into a ‘group home’ for his sake and for societies sake right now, I’d do it without a hesitation. So many parents out there stand by their kids, do the best they can, and watch in horror as mental illness takes these children away. And they are scared because they know what could happen… and they tell people they are scared. Mental Health must be a priority, is my best guess, and it should have been yesterday.

Here in Oregon a group wants to build ‘group homes’ for adults with mental illness. And most people are screaming, “NOT IN MY BACKYARD”… Which just makes me angry. Don’t they know these people are already in their backyard? They don’t look any different from you or me. You can’t “see” what is going on in their head. I don’t want to ‘lock them up to be mean to them’. It’s a compassionate response, it’s a frustrated response. I for one want my baby back and I’d be glad to put the legal foot down if I could.  And don’t tell me there was nothing wrong with today’s shooter or even Monday’s shooter. No one in their right mind does this stuff. Something was wrong, they had issues!
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The Bee Eaters

Tonight.. I had a wonderful experience. Made me wonder if it was ‘meant to be’. The ‘why’ of it, I’ll never know. But the connectedness of the whole thing is just wierd. A few days ago, for some reason I thought of the Clarridge kids and I wondered how they were doing. Just a passing thought. No big deal.
Tonight, Diane gets off the bus and excited tells me about a band who stopped by her school and did a performance for them. She was very impressed with their fiddling and cello skill. “They are called ‘The Bee Eaters” mom and I really want to see them tonight. They are giving a show at school for everyone. I ho’d and I hum’d around and really was trying to think of a way to NOT go because we really can’t afford it.
But, I also want my kid to be as amazed and touched by music as much as I have been in my life. It’s something we can share. So, Clyde & I talked and we decided that I would take her to her show. She got all gussied up too cause the boy who asked her out for the date might just be there. LOL
We got there, and I listened…and I admit I couldn’t stop from tapping my toes and keeping time with the music. It’s just who I am. It dawned on me that the ‘brother & sister’ playing in front of me looked totally familiar to me. Soon, I asked myself, are they the Clarridge kids?? NO WAY!!!!! And I let the thought go….
Diane wanted a CD. I counted my remaining money to make sure I had enough, and I told her to pick out one. She brought back “her” CD to show it to me, and I started reading the sleeve… and there on the sleeve where the names Tashina Clarridge, and Tristan Clarridge. I had been right, it was the Clarridge Kids….
The Clarridges met me, but there was no reason for them to remember me. I was the ‘lady’ who entered their scores in the ‘computer room’ after their performance at the Old Time Fiddle Contest in Cloverdale, California. During my breaks, and after my job was done, I’d go and listen to them and others jam. This was probably a time that was during the apex of my careers—volunteer and paid… the two loves of my life came together here– I love history, and The Old Time Fiddle Contest was sponsered by the Cloverdale Historical Society of which I was a member, a docent, and I sat on the board. Very active…. I loved music, and I loved mixing music and history.
Other members would come by to keep me company and help me to do my job back in the ‘computer room’. We could hear the music very clearly back where we were. And we would sit in total amazement when these kids played. We talked about how far in life they might go with their musical skills.
Tonight, I came home and pulled out the 2002 program from the fiddle contest. I have a stack of them because I was the lay out artist on the program. I showed my daughter their names, and mine in the program.
I went to my stack of CD’s, and pulled out their CD “My Lily” from the year 2000. And showed it to my daughter. I looked at her and said that I had to move to Oregon to see what they have become as adults. The world became an incredibly small place tonight. And she looked at me and said, “Look mom, he had long hair back then too!!” LOL– It was a good night!!!

 

www.beeeaters.com

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This will not stand… Scott Miller

photo here

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