When does Tickling become Deviant Behavior

My dad tickled us  two girls until we cried. It was a ritual. That was in the 1970’s  Today, My husband and I have been watching a Netflix show, I think called, Mind Hunter. There is an episode that deals with tickling. Which led me to do a search for tickling with different language than I had ever searched with before. I’ve wondered for years now if the behavior crossed boundaries. When I got old enough to describe it, I was able to describe it as “torture.” I found an article cited that makes it clear that perpetrators use it as grooming behavior. All I know from my experience is that at 57 years of age, I still don’t want anyone to touch my feet EVER.

How Tickling Affects Kids

Stages of Sexual Grooming…  from the Journal of Deviant Behavior –
(same article as above different source)

What Parents need to know about Sexual Grooming

The Steps of Grooming – Psychology Today Article, shows tickling as one of the steps of grooming before a sexual assault takes place on a child.  

 

Posted in ACEs, Announcements, Children, Children's Rights, Culture, General News, Health, Mental Illnesses, PTSD, PTSD, Womens Rights | Leave a comment

The Trouble with Trumpbles

Borrowed this from Ron’s husband’s Facebook page.  Ron is a maternal cousin.  

The Trouble with Trumpbles

The truth of the matter is there is nothing funny about the Trump Presidency. 
I still get chills down my back when I think about it.  Nothing has angered me more
in the past few years as Trump and his environmental policies, his foreign policy, his domestic policy, his wildlife policy— well, all of his policies.  I don’t like him, I don’t like what he does.  When missiles started landing the other night, I wished him dead!  He is poisoning our country, it is that simple.   Having said all that.  You’ve got to laugh once in a while, in my case, probably to not cry or at least to bring my blood pressure down.   I’m sure the Trump induced stress has shortened my lifespan by at least a couple of years! 

 

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Taken from a post found on the page of cousin, Donald Beattie … Why do people still support Trump after anything he does

[Note: From my Facebook Feed] [Graphic by Peggy Rowe, 2020]
Also taken from a post found on the page of cousin, Donald Beattie …

A graphic made in answer to a friends stupid graphic about wanting closed borders and other idiotic things.

 

 

 

 

 



Why do people still support Trump after he called part of the Constitution phony?

Perry Phillips (As provided on Quora)
Answered Dec 25
I finally have the answer here! And it is something of a Christmas miracle, as I have been trying to figure out for countless hours before coming across what I believe answers the whole question.

Specifically, I have been intensely curious about who the followers are that support Trump regardless of what he says, does, tweets, offends, etc.

The answer lies within the psychology between leaders and their followers. There are two specific categories, I believe that the followers can be easily lumped into.

First there are the folks who are proud to have a leader who possesses their own (unpopular and politically incorrect) fundamental beliefs. In this category the white supremacy people can be found it would seem, but also dozens of others who are also narcissistic (as the Donald is) and have deep needs that cannot ever be adequately filled. However, because they are pre-occupied with a value system that is concerned primarily with just themselves—they are not accustomed to seeing anyone previously in public office that speaks to them in the same way that DJT does. He shares their view of the world and promotes putting one’s self before the needs of anyone else. For these guys, Donald Trump is the key to their lock. He fits perfectly.

Second, there are folks who only feel worthwhile so long as they can attach themselves to someone else who they believe is prestigious, powerful, beautiful or extremely intellectual. This group of people are (like narcissistic types) characterized as deeply wounded people. But this second type only feels whole when attached to someone else they think is their “ideal” leader. They seek a heroic “rescuer” who they believe can drop into their lives and improve everything they have previously found to be quite stressful.

Both groups seem to have a very similar value system. They both seem to forget that no one in the WH will ever be able to solve their problems on a granular level. Regardless of what he/she says.

As the President of the United States, they are in a position that has evolved to be consistent with supporting a population of ~330,000,000—they are simply in a job that cannot possibly address issues that can be felt on an individual or even semi-individual level.

But specifically, Trump as a leader feeds on the adoration of others. So, the love that he feels for his “followers” may be genuine to the degree that he does, in fact, “need” them. He continued having rallies even after the 2016 election was over because he truly needs to hear a crowd reinforcing his ideas, words, feelings about anything. It has been said that he (like other “charismatic” leaders before him) has a hypnotic effect on his followers attending those rallies… maybe because of the deep needs of all being met on such a primal level.

These kinds of “leaders” all have the following in common:

The followers believe that their leader is somehow superhuman
The followers blindly believe the leaders statements
The followers unconditionally comply with the leader’s directives for action
The followers give the leader their unconditional emotional support
Also consistent with the Donald is that all the leaders of this type rely heavily on the us vs. them premise. The “them” can be the illegal immigrants, the “democrats” or “liberals” or the MSM. The “them” has also been extended to (in less obvious ways perhaps) women, children, the disabled, the veterans (POW’s), people who are not of European descent (white), etc.

To his followers who have made it through reading this answer up to this point: Thank you for reading this to the end. I would ask that you consider the possibility that strength in character can be measured by one’s ability to admit when they’ve been wrong.

I am basing my answer not only on what I believe is consistent with what I have come to learn about his followers here on Quora and similar platforms, but also what I have read in a book titled, “The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump” written by Bandy Lee, MD., M. Div.

Dr. Lee has extensively researched this leader/follower relationship and its dynamics. The list of cited references for this research is far too long to post here but can be found easily in the book I reference.

So the short story is that yes, his followers will continue to follow him no matter what he says. The Constitution is phoney, the impeachment is fake, the news is wrong and that everyone except for his followers are out to get him. They follow him because he is able to play on their deeply held psychological needs and although they cannot articulate why, he is their omnipotent leader and hero for life. The followers do not and cannot recognize that he is playing them like a fiddle. At least not yet.

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I looked into a very Danish Mirror Tonight

A small number of my Danish Cousins, ca 1900??

I found this photo tonight.  The woman in the middle is a cousin.  A first cousin (I think) to my paternal grandfather.  She is the daughter of my great great grandmother’s sister.  My great great aunts daughter, Annie Elsie Peterson Jenson.  

It’s a great old photo.  When I first saw it, I really had to do a double take.  There are some differences but the point is that the woman, Annie, looks very much like my paternal aunt (Alveta Rowe Gibboney).   and the girl all the way over to the left, well, she is me… well, ok, she was here first.  I looked very much like her when I was a kid.  The girl all the way over to the right–in her I see one of my uncle’s eyes.  

What does that tell you?  Well, my great great grandmother and her sister (my aunt) were both 100% Danish.  They came over from the island of Jutland.  What it tells me is that our family looks very Danish.  What a surprise!!  

This family was mostly born and raised in Manti, Sanpete County, Utah.  This side of my family is / was mostly Mormon.  My gr gr great grandmother lived there as well, Kirsten Eskelston.  She is buried in Salt Lake City.  

Thank you to the cousin who posted this.  I have appreciated it more than you know!!! 

Posted in Announcements, Children, Culture, Fun Stuff, Genealogy General, General News, History, Just Jabber, Lifestyle, Nelson, Personal, Rowe, US History 202 | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!! (image composition, copyright 2019 Peggy A Rowe-Snyder)

It is the YEAR OF THE RAT!

Pray with me that is not a foreshowing of what is to come.  I don’t want another four years of a rat in the white house. 

You know, I’ve never met a rat that I liked.  An ex boyfriend of mine was born in the year of the RAT (1960).   He is another one of those guys who has no conscious and couldn’t take responsibility for his own behavior if his life depended on it!

Here is hoping it will be a very good year for all of us!  But, especially for you!
Thank you for visiting my blog.  If you’ve read any of it, and actually survived it,
you are a strong person indeed!!  Bless you all!! Peg

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The Final Note

12/30/2019

To my perpetrator: 
I have been patiently keeping up the status quo, keeping quiet, staying silent, keeping the secret long enough. 

When I was about 19 years old.  Scott was talking to me about something.  It reminded me of what you did to me as a kid.  I broke down in tears.  I’d never cried so hard in my entire life.  I told him what you did to me.  I was positive it was all my fault and that it meant I was ‘crazy’.  I begged him not to take our future children away from me.  After all, I was crazy and deserved it right? 

You know what he did next?  He asked me to sleep with his sister.  Oh, and he wanted to watch.  Kind of makes you wonder what he’d done to his sister before that to make him think he could get away with that one!  And he was the one that called me, his “empty headed plaything.”

Within a few days of you leaving I told my mother in law what you did to me and how much it had hurt me.  I never told her what her son said to me until after I filed for divorce.  She then called me a liar.  But I was no liar when I was telling her about you.  She was livid.  She said that was “sick”.  She got so emotional about it, that I shut up about it for years.  I did not know how to handle the situation around others. 

It took me about 25 years after that—long after the divorce, I realized that you and Scott were two of a kind.  Both of you treated me like ½ a person.  Dirt under your feet for the most part.

You know, I struggled with our “secret” for most of my life.  I only resolved it recently.  Our age difference was not enough to justify calling it a “molest”.   And yet, I tried to tell you NO, and you insisted.  Then I grew to like the attention and you turned away with out an explanation.  The truth is the way it was handled, the way that I handled the situation and the way you’ve pretty much treated me since, it might as well have  been a rape, because that is exactly how I have reacted to it, and lived with it all these years. 

I have struggled with my sexuality and identity because of what you did to me.  There was nothing normal about what happened.  You were the older kid; you knew what you were doing was wrong.  If you wouldn’t felt the need to hide it otherwise.   

I can’t live with you on my Facebook account anymore. 

There are a few things that I don’t get.  I’m not sure that you can ever explain any of it to me that might meet with my satisfaction.  Because at this point, I see you as a pretty sick and twisted individual who hides behind your Christianity as if it’s going to change the past.  At the very least, you owe me one hell of a very genuine apology.  Not that I’m going to give it one second of time spent waiting for the apology.

You know… because of what I shared with Scott.  All I heard after you visited us back there in Ohio was how much he wanted to sleep with you and then we got to Newark.  I had to listen to how he wanted to sleep with my sister.  I had been beaten down in every way by him, physically, emotionally, and mentally and  yet you took his side and wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say and then had the gall to tell me that “I” was going to hell, if I did not straighten my act up?  Just so you know, he’s on wife #5 now.  He is still running away from a $30K debt in child support.  It was never me who was in the wrong.  I did not beat him.  I did not rape him.  I did not try to convince him that he was stupid, couldn’t think for himself.  I never even once told him that he was so brain dead that I should make all decisions for him.  But, yes, he told me all that crap.

BTW, My relationship with God is quite honest.  How is yours??

I don’t have a friend that came to me after finding out that her child had been molested by her step dad—for support.  I never had a friend that I had to tell that her mother was a head witch for some coven, or that I’d have a lot of babies for said coven.  How in the hell do you live with yourself and how do you justify judging others knowing you feed a vulnerable person a sack full of lies??  How could you do that to someone that you supposedly love and care about???   What did I EVER do to deserve being treated that way by you???

And why did you tell me those lies??  I was hurting so bad and trying so hard to understand the situation around my daughter, and all you did for me was sow even more confusion.  You caused me to lose my relationship with my mother.  She has not spoken to me in over 20 years now.  Because, ya, I confronted her.   Because for many years, I was stupid enough to believe YOU!  Do you realize how much damage you have done????

Now, I know I did not have a ton of babies so that my mother and her witch friends could sacrifice them.  That was your own little fantasy.   I now believe, you felt the need to throw that little red herring out there so that I would not remember or choose to deal with my own hurt and bring up our “past”.   The past that I have been referring to as a molest for a good many years now.

I got news for you, as bad as it has hurt me over the years… this letter was bound to be written. 
In fact, it’s been written many times before.  Just never sent until now.  There is even an old one on my blog on my website.  I’ve been telling you off for years about the way you’ve treated me.    You are one of my perpetrators.  Not my mother, YOU!  Probably not my father, YOU!!!  You are a perpetrator.  Today if that were to happen and the law got wind of it, you’d be held accountable.  You’d have to be on a kind of child parole, and you’d be ordered into therapy and to stay away from children (any possible victims).  Do you realize the immensity of what you did to me???

I don’t understand why you even wanted to friend me on Facebook.  Obviously, I am no longer good enough for you and haven’t been for quite some time.  So, what in the world is the pull??  Must you remind me that you are there for any reason in particular??

Is it to remind me to keep my mouth shut?

Well, I have news for you.  I’ve been in therapy for the better part of 30 years now.  More than one therapist has listened to me tell them what you did to me and then helped me get through that particular mess in my life.   In those moments, It was they who put the whole thing in perspective for me.  When I have moments now, I have a very sympathetic and understanding husband who listens to me.  You don’t want to meet him.  He’d probably expect a genuine apology from you too!  This has touched his life in a big way as well.    So, your secret is NOT a secret.  My sister knows.  My mother knows.  Everyone in my life that needs to know, KNOWS!

I can feel pain for you because I know your childhood was no piece of cake for you either.  Something happened to you that caused you to molest me.  To ignore the fact that I was saying no. 

Did you ever wonder if perhaps Walter saw us from his yard that day out by the shed?? Maybe that is why he looked at us as if he were undressing us???

As bad as I feel for you, what I really need is to take care of myself.  This is my closure.  I want you to know that I never forgot.  That I have suffered a great deal over the years because of what you did to me.  I was confused beyond anything I could have expressed for years and years.  You only added insult onto injury by telling me that bullshit about my mother and the witches and all the rest of the crap you laid on during that period of our lives.

And then… really? After all you did to me over the years, you have the nerve to tell me that I need to get my life in order so that I don’t go to hell??  My hell has been right here on earth all these years. And you helped in a big, big way to create it.

I do not expect an answer from you.  I expect that you’ll delete this note and try to pretend you never read it.  Should you decide that you want to communicate and even perhaps take responsibility for the way you have treated me over the years… then you may do so via U.S. mail. 

If you do write me don’t you dare use any hypocritical language like “I’ll pray for you.”  You need to pray for yourself.  I’m doing just fine, thank you.   Unlike you, I have managed to stay ethical and moral.  I am a really good person, which I think is probably when you look into the dark recesses of your inner self—you may not find the same comfort.

I am wrapping up my life.  I have been very ill, close to death…actually been code blue more than once.  I just want you to know that I spent a lot of long years totally miserable and part of it is because of you and the way you treated me. 

My address is: *** **** **, ****** *****, **, *****

I really don’t expect anything from you though.  Have a good life.  When you r ears ring, you can probably pretty much figure I’m cussing you yet again!  Or more than likely, having another cry.

The END — 
[Posted to Facebook]
One of my perpetrators is still around. It has taken me most of my life, but I sent a letter to that person today. I hope that a little piece of that person withers away to nothing (maybe there is nothing to wither?). I wish I could see it. Not that really believe in retribution — but to think that I have dealt with all those effects on my life nearly alone for most of the time because at the time I thought it was my fault. I was a kid. So, that one is off the proverbial ‘chest’. Completely done. Not that I expect an apology, I’ve learned in my old age that a true perpetrator never apologizes for anything. They are not capable of an apology or of taking responsibility for their actions. But, I hope that in the process of writing a letter and actually sending it, that I have taken the closure that myself and my family deserve. I count my family in this because they have been affected in a big, big way–even if they don’t know it. That is all I’ll count them in on. Cause they’ve made it really clear they either don’t believe it, or don’t want to deal with it. Just like 90% of the rest of the families out there (which doesn’t make it ok btw). Posted to Facebook, 30 Dec 2019.  Said person has had letter delivered and account has been blocked. 

Posted in ACEs, Announcements, Cardiac Health, Children, Children's Rights, Culture, Depression, Diabetes, Type 2, Estrangement, General News, Health, History, Mental Illnesses, PCOS, PTSD, PTSD, Womens Rights | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Beaver Tracks!

My first taste of Beaver Tracks (by Umpqua Dairy) ever!

Had my very first taste of Beaver Tracks ice cream last night.  It was yummy.  It kind of favored peanut butter/chocolate.  The chocolate footballs had caramel in them.   What is very cool about this particular purchase is that the proceeds go to the University where I attend.  

So, Go Beavs!!!!!

For those keeping up, my grades for last quarter are in:

United States History #1:  B
Introduction to Western Geography: A
Introduction to Climate Change (Science and Lab): A

This quarter I am signed up for:

WGSS223 – Women, Gender and Sexuality
Math 60 – Intro to Algebra (@UCC)
United States History #2
WR303 – Writing for the Web

Should go much better this quarter.  I think I will enjoy all the classes.  That in turn will make them easier for me.  🙂 Happy New Year!!

 

photo copyright 2019: Peggy A Rowe-Snyder

Posted in 103 Intro. to Climate Change, Announcements, Culture, Fun Stuff, General News, GEOG OF THE WESTERN WORLD (GEOG_106_400_F2019), History, Lifestyle, Links, Math 60, OSU, Random Links, UCC, Uncategorized, US History 202, US History 202, WGS224-Women, Gender, Sexuality, WR303 - Writing for the Web | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Merry Christmas 2019

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year (2019)

From myself and my family we wish you the merriest of holidays and the best New Year yet. May this season bring you all your desire, but and if not, let it bring you happiness, health, and the Wholeness of Spirit. xoxo ~Peg


A Note to Parents who are Separated from their Children:

This is a different holiday this year. With all kids out of the home and off the property completely, husband and I are enjoying a quiet holiday at home. Though, it was not a conscious decision, we never quite got to putting up a tree, or lights. Nor did we buy any gifts for anyone. Today is just like any other day except to say that we’ll make a turkey and the fixings. But, we may also make lasagna and save the turkey for tomorrow. Who knows! It’s our day!

This is not to say I’ve not enjoyed peering in folks windows and admiring their Christmas Trees. We have neighbors who have ‘decked the halls’ in the most fun and colorful ways. I have most certainly enjoyed that. I’ve enjoyed the holiday music on the radio, and have felt some glee while watching the holiday specials. But, we are giving no gifts, and expecting none. I don’t have to worry about disposing of or even killing a tree! My kitten can’t knock it over either. So, my gift to myself as it were, is peace and quiet. The time and environment for thoughtful contemplation.

For those who wish to know. Two of my four kids talk to me. Two do not. I am at peace with the situation. I do not feel either relationship is salvageable. They will not be salvageable at least until they come to their senses. I won’t be begging for anything. With one I have no clue what the truth of the matter is. All I know is the behavior is over the top and the pain nearly killed me. I’m done crying over that one. The other one was a situation brought over the top by herself and then turned around and made into my fault. I saw it coming so it’s not been nearly so painful. But, it has not been pain free. She has chosen to believe that I have lied to her about writing a piece about/to her when it wasn’t anything to do with her. Neither for her nor directed at her. She forgets that I have my own issues to face. The world, especially mine, quit revolving around her quite some time ago. In fact, my world doesn’t revolve around any of the kids at this point. It revolves around myself and my husband. That is the way it should be. Same child then confided in me. Told me what she’d told her, what boils down to a step-daughter that she could treat her own mother a certain way, but she was not to treat herself that way. What she said to me was proof enough of her “poisoning the well”. The father was already having issues with his daughter and her relationship with her mother. My only goal by messaging the father was to save the little girl from mixed messages and future hurt. The father had said outload that he realized my daughter was a liar. What makes him think that she is lie-free when she deals with him is beyond my comprehension. Someday he will figure out that the “drama” that he spoke about was her over reaction– a way to conceal the truth from him and point his awareness elsewhere. A diversion so to speak. The fact, that the situation was presented in such a way that the father of the little girl actually believes that I purposely put his child into the middle of something is quite interesting. It never entered my mind to do such a thing, because there was nothing to put her in the middle of at that time.

My reaction to being called a liar was hurt. But knowing said child (grown) is angry and hostile towards others she’s not liking at the moment (rational or not) was in the back of my mind. It was, in my mind, par for the course. My particular answer for that specific situation was to give her time/space. Getting even, or whatever it is she has made this out to be is really not my style. I’ll fight to survive, but for the most part I don’t believe in getting even. It is a waste of time and energy. I’d rather let Karma do it’s thing.

Simply put, I don’ need that sort of manipulation in my life. Nor, am I willing to let myself be treated like this any longer. She has sent her friend “Bobby” to spy on me through Facebook. I nipped that in the bud. I view this type of behavior also as more manipulation. He is blocked and will approach me no more. If he should choose another name and approach me, which I’d expect after she reads this (and she can’t help herself) — then I’ll figure it out, and block him again. It will be an exercise in futility.

When one decides to clean up their life, often times to keep that commitment it means getting rid of all unhealthiness — keeping at arms length the ones you hold most dear to your heart. Sometimes it means having nothing to do with them at all, for in the long run, it is often the most loving and honest thing you can do for yourself. I am not in love with arrogance, manipulation, or hostility. They can deluded themselves into to thinking they are “taking care of business” if they like. But, the truth is the two that they’d deem the most unhealthy are two most healthy for there is little arrogance and a willingness and an openness both sides of the story. I have no need for people in my life who think they know it all, who are not open to the possibilities of life wherever they present themselves. If they want to live in a closed system, then by all means, let them have it. I wish them love and luck.

And a final thought–yes, my blog is akin to a private journal. Yes, it is, often, where I come to work out the issues of my life. It is also a place where I come to let others in similar situations to myself let them know that what they are going through is not uncommon, nor are they alone and on their own.

It takes some strength to stand up and do what is right for yourself, especially in the face of obstacles thrown out there in your path by family members that are supposed to not only cherish you, but you are supposed to cherish as well. The threat to your own and sometimes their wellbeing’s can often feel as if its hanging in the balance. If it is a new situation, your sanity may very well be hanging in the balance. I went through a horrible time where I did actually leave home with the thought of ending my life. Had the car not broke down, I may not be here on earth in this form anymore. My message to you, is to hang in there. Things can not get worse, even though it might not feel like it at the moment.

Now, is your time to shine. Commit to your own healing. Check and double check everything in your proverbial checkbook. Make sure the math is right. It’s almost a new year, come up with some new goals for that new year. Make them easy to attain. Many small goals are far better for your mental health than one large one that you may not be able to attain. With many small goals that you can attain, you will build self-reliance, self-confidence, and self-pride. You can go for the large goal next year when your emotions are more settled and you have transitioned to your new life as a mom or dad with the loss of children not so first and foremost in your mind.

The best gift, is the gift you give yourself. Take care of YOU! Prepare in case there can be a reunification, but do NOT hold your breath. Make your life better for you. Your life will be all the richer as you extend your world and discover new ways to express yourself.

Go, go, go… be happy, be healthy, be alive. Wait for no one. Choose to be great! xoxoxo, Peg

Wonderous Holidays!!
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Manipulation & relationships

Read an article about why people manipulate last night. I’ll get the URL for you at the end of the post.

This really applies to me and my life. There is a big difference between situations where a person may try to influence someone else for positive means. It is quite another when manipulation comes because someone has selfish motivations. The first instance is not even considered true manipulation, however most people I have ever met considers it manipulation.

How does this apply to me? Well, I am guilty of it to some degree. In my case, it became a survival thing. When circumstances reach a point where I just can’t take it anymore–I break. The breaking is what I consider now (with some education) manipulation. So, basically I’ve reached the end of my rope in a very emotional way. It gets everyone’s attention and they stop treating me the way they are for awhile. But, if someone is being manipulative of me, and I am living with them, or close to them, it doesn’t take long, they forget about what happened, and how I make it perfectly clear that I can’t deal with things as they stand, and they start back up again.

My first husband comes to mind at this time. The head games I endured were nothing more than manipulations.

My father comes to mind. I made some new connections while talking to Clyde yesterday. My father would find a dirty fork or plate…some spec of something was on the utensil. (If that is even true). It was always my fault. Routinely dishes ended being thrown from cabinet to sink and believe me there was plenty of anger to go around. I was a little girl. And I was absolutely terrorized. It was not uncommon for my father to wait until we had company to do this. In fact, as far as I can remember there was always company when he did this, and most the time, it happened during a family gathering (holiday time, Thanksgiving or Christmas). My dad was about 5’9″, and maybe I was 5 foot… big maybe. Either way I ended up in tears and scared (terrorized) standing at the sink washing every dish in the house while family sat at the table and enjoyed their holiday meal (except to say, my guess is that no one was enjoying anything at that point except perhaps dad). More on why this is a manipulation in a bit.

My kids come to mind. I hate to admit it, I don’t want to see it, but it is true that four of them are pretty expert at getting their way via manipulation of some sort. They were created by environment more than anything else. They all have a sweet side that is for certain. But, they all are guilty of trying to manipulate the truth or other type actions to get what they want. And just in case any of them read this (and I am aware of two of them that do)–you don’t fool anyone when you lie to get what you want. I am very aware, and if I am not, believe me Clyde is lets me know when you guys are wrong. When he shows anger towards you, you can just about bet it’s because he’s seen you manipulating me. That is the only thing that makes him really angry with you. And a couple of you realize he gets angry with you.

My kids lie to me, they lie to their significant others, they lie to my partner– they are just liars. Most lies are to hide something they are embarrassed about, or about getting what they want (which is still the bottom line to being embarrassed about something). I understand the whys – in terms of childhood experience and I understand why in terms of what they would say to justify the behavior. The problem is there is never any justification. Lying breaks trust. Lying again only agitates that lack of trust and creates a situation where it takes even longer to trust again. Lying creates an emotional scar. Even when it ‘heals’ you can still feel and see the damage done.

Hostility  magnifies the effects of  manipulation. Hostility can be very blatant. My father was very blatant. My oldest child can be very blatant. Everyone else more or less use passive aggressiveness to get what they want. That would include my mother and sister. Because of the way I grew up, I have layers of virtual walls and fences to keep me ‘safe’ from perceived hostility. I learned as a child that hostility can turn very physical. People get hurt. Because it is a form of breaking a trust, the pain can be both physical and emotional. This is only one way a child in such an environment can grow up and as an adult be diagnosed with PTSD with the words no caring parent wants to hear, “most of it caused in childhood.”

So what lead to this essay?   The remark by my sister that I could walk away and not feel a thing.  Apparently I just don’t attach myself to people.  In her mind at least.  I was shocked that she actually believed what she was saying.  I’m not sure when I walked away and then showed that I did not care, except maybe when I was filing for divorce or perhaps, once I decided to clean out my life and rid myself of unhealthy people.  Even in those cases it’s not that I did not care, it’s that a clean break, in theory, should have made the separation easier.  I’m not really sure that is true.  

Confrontation, it turns out, is something I try to stay away from almost no matter what it costs me.  I’ve even had a therapist notice this and point it out.  Its not that I won’t confront a person or stand up for myself.   It is that I must be pushed and pushed and pushed and given a choice, I’ll still walk away.  

What brought on this “habit” which is nothing more than a survival skill, a defensive measure that a child can take when staring up at a 5 foot 8 inch male who had a habit of making her feel very, very small and helpless.  The truth of the matter is that I was hit a lot as a kid, and threatened even more.  I was taught over and over again that I had NO power to protect myself.  None.  So, when I see aggression, hostility, anger, or other negative things, my instinct is to run.  

My dad was absolutely angry with me over something while I was growing up.  I am unsure just what it is that I did wrong, but whatever it was, I was to blame.  Even my mother blamed me.  I was tiny when whatever it was happened.  By the time I was 2 years old, I could say I loved my dad but did not like him.  I grew up with what I termed in my childhood vocabulary as a “mean” dad.    He was aggressive with everyone really.  With four brothers, I imagine that was necessary to survive.  I never had one brother, so I really can’t say.  But, dad had no problem whatsoever throwing his weight around, or sending a message in what would be termed today as a very passive aggressive manner.  It took me until recently as a matter of fact to realize that part of what I lived through was actually a message meant for my grandparents. 

My dad would wait until a holiday, when family was present, but not his family, my mother’s family.  He’d find something dirty (or make something up, I’ll never really know) and then he’d yell, and stomp across the room to the kitchen sink and throw (and yell, and yell and throw) each dish into the sink one by one.  The whole rest of the family was sitting around the dinner table probably just trying to get through the situation.   While this was going on the yelling was about how I failed to get the dishes clean and how I was going to do dishes while everyone else ate.  My holiday meals usually consisted of a lot of tears.  I was not the only person doing dishes in the home.  How dad knew that I was the one that missed the supposed dirt, we will never know.  But, then I’d say there was nothing rational about what he was doing. 

Except.  Later, much later in life, in my late 40’s my mother’s brother explained to me that everyone on that side of the family saw how dad treated me.  I was treated much differently from my sister.  They were concerned about me.   I asked my uncle why no one spoke up.  His answer was that everyone was afraid my father would not allow them to see us kids anymore.  

So, that part I’ve known a few years now.  But, what crossed my mind the other day was that his actions were as far as I am concerned an act of hostage taking.  I do not know what happened but whatever it was dad and my uncle got into a physical altercation.  They were trying to hurt each other.  It was because of something dad did to me.  It was so bad that my uncle could not tell me what he did to me.  I know that my grandparents considered my father “uncivilized”.    So, how as this hostage taking?  Well, my father was using me.  He was sending messages to my mother, grandparents, and uncle that he could treat me in any way he pleased.  The message which I am sure they got loud and clear was not only could he do whatever he wanted, but there was really nothing they could do about it.  So, this is one way a father can hold a child hostage.  It’s an emotional thing — I was never chained down in the dungeon.  But, on the other hand, I could not escape the wrath of my father.  

Links that may help:

14 ways to manipulate

***NOTE: This is an incomplete article, draft mode. Which will probably turn into a pretty big article. More soon.

Copyright 2019, Peggy Ann Rowe-Snyder, Peggy A Rowe, Peggy A Snyder, aka (once upon a time) Peggy Miller.
Posted in Announcements, Children, Children's Rights, Culture, Depression, Estrangement, General News, Health, History, Lifestyle, Memories, Mental Illnesses, Parent/Child Relationships, Personal, PTSD, PTSD, Sexual Assault, Womens Rights | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

SUS 103 – Introduction to Climate Change

This is 100% true. So, if you care about climate change, and if you don’t, you should, then vote according. It is way past time to get busy on this as a global community. Steps toward adaptation should be being built into our systems now. Steps towards mitigation should be being taken now! Even if we get to the point that we can ‘vacuum’ all the carbon out of the air and we are ‘safe’ tomorrow, it will possibly a take a millennium for the the climate and its weather systems to get back to normal (and yes, climate and weather is by definition two different things)

 This was actually a question on the final for that class yesterday. And I got the question right. So, I find it interesting that this is going around. I would say pass this on, repost….. cause this climate change stuff, it is so real. I had a textbook, and access to all the scientific maps, reports, and some of the models to play with to explain it all and lay it all out. No, I’m no expert. 11 weeks does not make anyone an expert. But, it sure does convince you if you have any doubts. People sounded the climate change bells for the public the first time in 1899. Scientists have been watching it since. And for those who believe Al Gore made it up to get rich from, the answer is no, he did not.

This is going around Facebook.  It needs to go up on individual blogs, and other websites.  This is not about religion.  It’s not something that you can believe in or not.  This is a real scientific fact of life for us at this point.  Email me if you’d like to understand more of the science. (Only one final to go, the toughest too!)

Posted in 103 Intro. to Climate Change, Announcements, Children, Children's Rights, Climate Change, Culture, General News, Lifestyle, Oregon Coast, Pacific Northwest, Personal, Political Crap, Politics | Tagged , | Leave a comment