The Final Note

12/30/2019

To my perpetrator: 
I have been patiently keeping up the status quo, keeping quiet, staying silent, keeping the secret long enough. 

When I was about 19 years old.  Scott was talking to me about something.  It reminded me of what you did to me as a kid.  I broke down in tears.  I’d never cried so hard in my entire life.  I told him what you did to me.  I was positive it was all my fault and that it meant I was ‘crazy’.  I begged him not to take our future children away from me.  After all, I was crazy and deserved it right? 

You know what he did next?  He asked me to sleep with his sister.  Oh, and he wanted to watch.  Kind of makes you wonder what he’d done to his sister before that to make him think he could get away with that one!  And he was the one that called me, his “empty headed plaything.”

Within a few days of you leaving I told my mother in law what you did to me and how much it had hurt me.  I never told her what her son said to me until after I filed for divorce.  She then called me a liar.  But I was no liar when I was telling her about you.  She was livid.  She said that was “sick”.  She got so emotional about it, that I shut up about it for years.  I did not know how to handle the situation around others. 

It took me about 25 years after that—long after the divorce, I realized that you and Scott were two of a kind.  Both of you treated me like ½ a person.  Dirt under your feet for the most part.

You know, I struggled with our “secret” for most of my life.  I only resolved it recently.  Our age difference was not enough to justify calling it a “molest”.   And yet, I tried to tell you NO, and you insisted.  Then I grew to like the attention and you turned away with out an explanation.  The truth is the way it was handled, the way that I handled the situation and the way you’ve pretty much treated me since, it might as well have  been a rape, because that is exactly how I have reacted to it, and lived with it all these years. 

I have struggled with my sexuality and identity because of what you did to me.  There was nothing normal about what happened.  You were the older kid; you knew what you were doing was wrong.  If you wouldn’t felt the need to hide it otherwise.   

I can’t live with you on my Facebook account anymore. 

There are a few things that I don’t get.  I’m not sure that you can ever explain any of it to me that might meet with my satisfaction.  Because at this point, I see you as a pretty sick and twisted individual who hides behind your Christianity as if it’s going to change the past.  At the very least, you owe me one hell of a very genuine apology.  Not that I’m going to give it one second of time spent waiting for the apology.

You know… because of what I shared with Scott.  All I heard after you visited us back there in Ohio was how much he wanted to sleep with you and then we got to Newark.  I had to listen to how he wanted to sleep with my sister.  I had been beaten down in every way by him, physically, emotionally, and mentally and  yet you took his side and wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say and then had the gall to tell me that “I” was going to hell, if I did not straighten my act up?  Just so you know, he’s on wife #5 now.  He is still running away from a $30K debt in child support.  It was never me who was in the wrong.  I did not beat him.  I did not rape him.  I did not try to convince him that he was stupid, couldn’t think for himself.  I never even once told him that he was so brain dead that I should make all decisions for him.  But, yes, he told me all that crap.

BTW, My relationship with God is quite honest.  How is yours??

I don’t have a friend that came to me after finding out that her child had been molested by her step dad—for support.  I never had a friend that I had to tell that her mother was a head witch for some coven, or that I’d have a lot of babies for said coven.  How in the hell do you live with yourself and how do you justify judging others knowing you feed a vulnerable person a sack full of lies??  How could you do that to someone that you supposedly love and care about???   What did I EVER do to deserve being treated that way by you???

And why did you tell me those lies??  I was hurting so bad and trying so hard to understand the situation around my daughter, and all you did for me was sow even more confusion.  You caused me to lose my relationship with my mother.  She has not spoken to me in over 20 years now.  Because, ya, I confronted her.   Because for many years, I was stupid enough to believe YOU!  Do you realize how much damage you have done????

Now, I know I did not have a ton of babies so that my mother and her witch friends could sacrifice them.  That was your own little fantasy.   I now believe, you felt the need to throw that little red herring out there so that I would not remember or choose to deal with my own hurt and bring up our “past”.   The past that I have been referring to as a molest for a good many years now.

I got news for you, as bad as it has hurt me over the years… this letter was bound to be written. 
In fact, it’s been written many times before.  Just never sent until now.  There is even an old one on my blog on my website.  I’ve been telling you off for years about the way you’ve treated me.    You are one of my perpetrators.  Not my mother, YOU!  Probably not my father, YOU!!!  You are a perpetrator.  Today if that were to happen and the law got wind of it, you’d be held accountable.  You’d have to be on a kind of child parole, and you’d be ordered into therapy and to stay away from children (any possible victims).  Do you realize the immensity of what you did to me???

I don’t understand why you even wanted to friend me on Facebook.  Obviously, I am no longer good enough for you and haven’t been for quite some time.  So, what in the world is the pull??  Must you remind me that you are there for any reason in particular??

Is it to remind me to keep my mouth shut?

Well, I have news for you.  I’ve been in therapy for the better part of 30 years now.  More than one therapist has listened to me tell them what you did to me and then helped me get through that particular mess in my life.   In those moments, It was they who put the whole thing in perspective for me.  When I have moments now, I have a very sympathetic and understanding husband who listens to me.  You don’t want to meet him.  He’d probably expect a genuine apology from you too!  This has touched his life in a big way as well.    So, your secret is NOT a secret.  My sister knows.  My mother knows.  Everyone in my life that needs to know, KNOWS!

I can feel pain for you because I know your childhood was no piece of cake for you either.  Something happened to you that caused you to molest me.  To ignore the fact that I was saying no. 

Did you ever wonder if perhaps Walter saw us from his yard that day out by the shed?? Maybe that is why he looked at us as if he were undressing us???

As bad as I feel for you, what I really need is to take care of myself.  This is my closure.  I want you to know that I never forgot.  That I have suffered a great deal over the years because of what you did to me.  I was confused beyond anything I could have expressed for years and years.  You only added insult onto injury by telling me that bullshit about my mother and the witches and all the rest of the crap you laid on during that period of our lives.

And then… really? After all you did to me over the years, you have the nerve to tell me that I need to get my life in order so that I don’t go to hell??  My hell has been right here on earth all these years. And you helped in a big, big way to create it.

I do not expect an answer from you.  I expect that you’ll delete this note and try to pretend you never read it.  Should you decide that you want to communicate and even perhaps take responsibility for the way you have treated me over the years… then you may do so via U.S. mail. 

If you do write me don’t you dare use any hypocritical language like “I’ll pray for you.”  You need to pray for yourself.  I’m doing just fine, thank you.   Unlike you, I have managed to stay ethical and moral.  I am a really good person, which I think is probably when you look into the dark recesses of your inner self—you may not find the same comfort.

I am wrapping up my life.  I have been very ill, close to death…actually been code blue more than once.  I just want you to know that I spent a lot of long years totally miserable and part of it is because of you and the way you treated me. 

My address is: *** **** **, ****** *****, **, *****

I really don’t expect anything from you though.  Have a good life.  When you r ears ring, you can probably pretty much figure I’m cussing you yet again!  Or more than likely, having another cry.

The END — 
[Posted to Facebook]
One of my perpetrators is still around. It has taken me most of my life, but I sent a letter to that person today. I hope that a little piece of that person withers away to nothing (maybe there is nothing to wither?). I wish I could see it. Not that really believe in retribution — but to think that I have dealt with all those effects on my life nearly alone for most of the time because at the time I thought it was my fault. I was a kid. So, that one is off the proverbial ‘chest’. Completely done. Not that I expect an apology, I’ve learned in my old age that a true perpetrator never apologizes for anything. They are not capable of an apology or of taking responsibility for their actions. But, I hope that in the process of writing a letter and actually sending it, that I have taken the closure that myself and my family deserve. I count my family in this because they have been affected in a big, big way–even if they don’t know it. That is all I’ll count them in on. Cause they’ve made it really clear they either don’t believe it, or don’t want to deal with it. Just like 90% of the rest of the families out there (which doesn’t make it ok btw). Posted to Facebook, 30 Dec 2019.  Said person has had letter delivered and account has been blocked. 

About PeggyAnn

Professional PC Consultant, Researcher, & avid people watcher, Peggy Ann Rowe started into her genealogical quest at age 15 after watching the mini-series, "Roots" with her parents. This new obsession has fueled her love of history, & study of cultures & societies in every epoch. Today she is 57 years old with four kids who are all grown up (& all have flown the coop). In between her 'gigs' with clients she volunteered at many different non-profits. Former President, Secretary, and Director at Large on the board of the Douglas County Historical Society for 10+ years, and former Secretary at the Cloverdale Historical Society (Sonoma County) for nearly 10 years. This website is an attempt to share the knowledge she has gained about her family ties with others who may be interested in the same things. She does not guarantee 100% accuracy and does hope that you will send corrections. To learn more about her, click the "about" button in the page menu. Thanks! Another goal of this website is to disseminate a message (i.e. education) about domestic violence, child abuse, and all forms of sexual abuse to society at large. The message comes from real experience from the whole spectrum of the violence from sexual abuse by a perpetrator to sexual abuse perpetrated by a husband, to the abuse of children within the family. Peggy has seen it, lived it, and been hurt by it. There will on occasion be details that might be hard for some people to read, and a warning is usually posted at the beginning of the essay so that those who want to turn and not read may do so. The only way to teach and to let others learn what to avoid is to SHARE what happened with every detail necessary to make the point. Thank you.
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