an open note to my mother

In another world
and in another place
you might have been
worlds best mom

you may have been
full of grace
and knocked the world
flat on its face

Maybe in another time
you might have faced
the truth
And grew despite
the pain.

But in this world
and in this time,
You deny the truth
You let us down.

You let us down.
You’ve shown no courage,
It is impossible
I do not see you to hold your head up.

and as you fail
and forget that you
look down
on all those of us
you regret

You made the girl
A little girl
the other woman
in your world.

A little girl
with no power of
her own.
She had no voice
she had the right
to feel safe
at your place

she was you–
blood from your blood
and bone from your bone
She was my baby and she was me

You could have garnered
more respect
had you fought for that little whip

Instead you chose
to not trust
You built a wall
And shut us out
The ones who loved you most.

and you then blamed
we who actually paid
(And I am not talking about with money)

I have learned to pity you.

I have realized your fear
and lack of courage

Your fall from grace
without a trace
because you can’t
even vocalize the truth

you probably
can’t even face
the woman in the mirror.
It is probably impossible.

I was sorry for a
long, long time.
But, I am done with that
It will all be on your dime.
(And I am not talking about money)

I’ve fooled around long enough
I’ve waited patiently for you
to come around and talk.

I’m done with that.

I realize now,
you have made a choice
long, long ago
you’d rather be
bitter and angry
then to pay a small price.

You are full of fear
of the nature,
whatever the true judgment is,
and you made it worse
by avoiding what is truly right.

I pity you…
You are small
You are weak
You are frail, in every way
You are gray

You gave up the true
and real fight long ago
I am truly sad for you,
for what you lost,
for what you never truly had.

Long ago, you gave up
your true calling
your family
your truth
your true self.

It is sad to
know that
I am a seed
that sprang from
YOUR womb.

We are so different-
I have walked through
my fear
you have hidden yourself
away and blamed
the world and I
for the choices
you made.

I am sad for you.
I am sad for me,
because you never were
the mother that
I thought was meant to be

You utterly failed to
protect your child,
and then you learned not
a damn thing, then
again, you failed
protect your very own
grand. tis truly sad.

Someday, I doubt that
you’ll ever see that the
the truth of the matter is
that it was utterly
impossible for me
to ever betray you.

It is impossible to
betray a woman
who makes her seven
year old grandchild
‘the other woman’
and pretends that she
needs to protect
herself from a very small and
also a helpless child.

It is and always was IMPOSSIBLE
when it came to you…
And I was quite silly to
ever think, it could have been
any other way.

About PeggyAnn

Professional PC Consultant, Researcher, & avid people watcher, Peggy Ann Rowe started into her genealogical quest at age 15 after watching the mini-series, "Roots" with her parents. This new obsession has fueled her love of history, & study of cultures & societies in every epoch. Today she is 57 years old with four kids who are all grown up (& all have flown the coop). In between her 'gigs' with clients she volunteered at many different non-profits. Former President, Secretary, and Director at Large on the board of the Douglas County Historical Society for 10+ years, and former Secretary at the Cloverdale Historical Society (Sonoma County) for nearly 10 years. This website is an attempt to share the knowledge she has gained about her family ties with others who may be interested in the same things. She does not guarantee 100% accuracy and does hope that you will send corrections. To learn more about her, click the "about" button in the page menu. Thanks! Another goal of this website is to disseminate a message (i.e. education) about domestic violence, child abuse, and all forms of sexual abuse to society at large. The message comes from real experience from the whole spectrum of the violence from sexual abuse by a perpetrator to sexual abuse perpetrated by a husband, to the abuse of children within the family. Peggy has seen it, lived it, and been hurt by it. There will on occasion be details that might be hard for some people to read, and a warning is usually posted at the beginning of the essay so that those who want to turn and not read may do so. The only way to teach and to let others learn what to avoid is to SHARE what happened with every detail necessary to make the point. Thank you.
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