Cardiac Health – the UNwanted Diagnosis

I have been given the diagnosis that most people just don’t want to hear.
My heart is in such good shape after having a heart attack, that I can drop dead at any moment. The heart doctor said he could not believe how good I look considering how sick I am. The only treatment known to work for what I have is losing the weight, and exercise. Of course, I’ll be medicated and medicated. Right now, I’d be happy to be rid of the constant chest pain, and pain in my shoulders and arms (angina).

Genetics plays into this. Stress from family members (i.e. KIDS, now), Childhood Abuse (ACE – 7+) all play into this. I’ve told more than one person that this is all a result of a broken heart, and I’ll tell you what, I kid you not.

But what makes me unhappy is not the situation in and of itself, I knew it was coming eventually. But, I do not consider myself old, and I have tried to take care of myself including going mostly vegan over three years ago. I just don’t understand why, no matter what I have done to protect myself (No smoking ever, No drinking, No wild life, No drug abuse history) I have not managed to protect myself. I’ve been taking statins since the day they hit the market. I started taking Metformin before I went Diabetic. I went Diabetic after a neighbor from hell stalked me enough that I became a prisoner in my own home. I could not work in the yard anymore. I quit moving. Some of this IS on him. He a drug addict and mostly broke, or I’d sue the shit out of him. (Kelly Roper, Myrtle Creek)

This is basically a rant. I got a diagnosis that I do not want, and that I will fight until I can’t fight anymore. No one wants to live more than I. My life is not miserable much. LOL.

OK, I’m done. For now… Diagnosis, Class I (can go up to Class III) Ventricular something or other. I’ll probably be looking at cardiac rehab really soon. I need to move closer to the hospital.

Posted in Cardiac Health, Health, Just Jabber, Lifestyle | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

PTSD, & Anger – The Treatment of Women

Warning: There is explicit details in this essay. IF your stomach is queasy then do not go here. If rape is a touchy subject for you, do not go here.

Well, a new thought to share with my therapist. Can my own intense anger over one thing be a trigger for what is certainly a PTSD related trauma – and also a totally unrelated issue that I lived through years ago? And with that question, I have to say, I was unaware that I was still this intensely angry after all these years.

You know, being kicked from the historical society as I was, has left me intensely angry. The people who did the ‘dirty work’ made up reasons to justify asking me to step down. The truth is, I think, is that I began to realize that I was seeing unethical behavior and was saying something.
I was becoming a whistle blower and they had to see it coming. Yesterday, one of those people contacted my significant other (2nd husband) and asked him via text for information. He had to ask me for it which he waited until bedtime to ask for. Which of course, triggered the anger at bedtime. A time when we are supposed to be settling down, and trying to sleep. To them I say: I am not going to share any information with you, ever, period.

So, getting kicked to the curb for no good reason is one reason to be really really hurt and angry. But why for heavens sake would it remind me of my ex husband and his stupidity? I really have no clue unless – the intense anger is something that was produced from both situations.

When my ex and I were first married in the early 80’s…newlyweds, and that is no stretch, he came to me over a series of days and had me do certain things and told me certain things. For some reason I was to dress a certain way so that he could parade me around down town Cincinnati. I never quite understood that one. I did not like it in the least. I was embarrassed because at that point in my life, I was very, VERY modest. He came home from work (as a security guard) from the Cincinnati Enquirer and let me know that someone there thought I was a beautiful woman and wanted to take nudes of me. He wanted me to do it. I did not want to. Eventually, he didn’t want me to, and turned the guy down. To this day, I am not sure why the ex had the change of heart, but I have wondered since if he were not just plain full of shit. Maybe there really was no such person? During this time period, ex also came home from work, from the Cincinnati Enquirer and asked me to sleep with another couple with him. He wanted to ‘wife swap.’ I said no, and there was some intense pressuring. I did not even know in those days that that sort of thing went on. I was really that naive. So, part of the answer to the problem was that he started buying Forum magazines so I could read them and see what other people do. I guess, he thought it was time to educate me. It was also during this same time period though, I do not remember why it happened back then, that he first uses the technique of sleep deprivation to get what he wanted from me. If I said no, he just kept me up all night, rattling on and on about why he or we should do something, until I said yes. Back in those days, before the birth of children, and being young — he could have kept me up for a week, and I’d still said no. But, the abuse had begun. Even though I had no clue that it was abuse at the time. This was the phase in my marriage where I lived with objects being stuck up inside of me for his personal delight, and to my pain. The most memorable was of the night of the coke bottle. A coke bottle is no dildo if you get my drift. I said ok because I had no clue that I could say no. In those days, in my reality, man and a wife, alone, the wife gave it her all and stayed in that miserable place for the rest of her life. The bottle was very, very painful, and it brought tears to my eyes, and I tried my damndest to suck it up and stay silent, but complete silence did not come. It killed me when he asked me if it hurt, and through my tears (not so silent) I answered no–and he was so callous as to not see or hear through my denial. I was a very good wife, I suffered on for YEARS! Nearly 20 of them.

Fast forward about 14 of those years. I have either filed for divorce or about to and he knows it. I encourage him to date and move on, all the while staying and trying to work it out. Letting him go about his business is part of how at the time I was trying to help him not feel so hampered and controlled. After all those years, I agreed to an open marriage. While I agreed in principle, I never thought about a spouse swap. For me it just was not in the cards. In my mind we’d each just date who we wanted, and I had not realized the jealousy that would come into play. But he came to me, and told me he met a couple and she was HOT, and he wanted her, and he wanted me to sleep with the husband so that he (my husband) could sleep with her. I said no. I said no because while I knew them to, and thought she was gorgeous, he on the other hand gave me the creeps, and I wanted nothing to do with him. I could not have been clearer why I was saying no.

If I recall right this was one of those issues where he wanted what he wanted and he kept me up all night telling me all the reasons why we should. Now, I had an 8 year old, and a 3 year old. I was working night shift, and I was packing and getting ready to move 2000 miles to the east. At 4 am. I finally said yes, so that he’d leave me alone and let me sleep.

I did not know it at the time but, he must have that day or the next, or at least soon thereafter, approached the husband and tried to convince him to swap wives with him.

Now, husband in the couple did have a female African Senegal that appeared to be in great shape, but lonely. She kept laying eggs. I had a male, who had been obviously lonely for his own kind. He literally cried the most mournful cries. Knowing I could not take him when we moved, I’d been on the look out for a home. I gave the bird to them, in hopes that it would be happier there than with us. The husband of the couple called me and asked me to come over and look at the birds. They had laid an egg together and he wanted me to see. It was the middle of the day, I had no clue the man was alone at home, I packed up my 3 year old and around the corner we walked.

He answered the door and invited me in. He took me to the room where the birds were and showed my 3 year old the backyard where he could play. Once the boy was just outside the open sliding glass door the man informed me of what my husband had come to him, and what he had proposed, and how he felt about it. I’ll never EVER forget what he said. “He is not going to have my wife, but I am going to have you.” And it started.

My child was now on the patio, still close too the house, and so I would not scream or make noise because I did not want to alarm the child. I said no, I tried to fend him off physically, but I would not scream. When he could not take my clothes down to the level he wanted he grabbed my hair and forced my face into his crouch and demanded that I perform orally. I wish today, I had thought to bite him. But, even if I had thought of it, I probably wouldn’t. I had no interest in my son seeing or hearing a thing. I did not want him to be affected by this ugly scene.

The man’s penis had something on it. To this day I don’t know if it was moles, or warts, or just what kind of growth it was. But it was gross. The sight and situation made me nauseous. Actually, it still does, and to this day, I can not get that image out of my mind. So obviously, I do not want to think about it and I have been running from it. At least until this morning, I was still actively pushing this scene away—25 years later. These moments are from 1994. (2019-1994=25! I just checked with the calculator)

So, the bottom line, I am not sure if it was rape in that there was no penetration to my private parts, but I can tell you, it most definitely was forced and unwanted, and fought. When it was over, and I was released, I scooped up my little boy and walked back around the corner to the home where we were staying. It was the home of his Uncle and Aunt who lived on Glenwood Street in Fremont. They may have been understanding had I confided. But, we will never know. I was a master of keeping these things to myself. But to this day, I associated that rape or attempted rape, with the all night torture ritual of keeping me awake until he got permission for what he wanted. I told my soon to be ex about it. Nothing happened. There was no offer of reprisal of any kind. It was after I was long gone that the two men met up at our daughters former elementary school, and dear ex husband claimed that they shook hands and he squeezed the offenders hand very hard so that he was aware that ex was aware and angry. According to the ex, the offender turned tail and ran. If the husband from the couple did turn tail and run it was probably because he didn’t want his wife to know what was going on.

It was the end of a marriage, and there were head games, and harassment. My intelligence was insulted over and over again. In order to make up, one of the things I wanted was for my ex to take responsibility for his behavior. I had known he’d cheated on me years before. I had finally just realized that it was indeed stepping out, and that he’d brought home an STD to me. That is what had happened. All he had to do was admit it, and apologize, and offer to try to not go down that road again. And he had to do that, without laying the blame on me. Instead, he said he’d talked to his mom, and his mom told him to never admit it. I knew that was an admission, but the lack of taking responsibility for his actions was in my mind an insult to my intelligence, and I was not going to stay where those types of head games were still going on.

While living in the home of the aunt and uncle it became clear to me that head games were part and parcel of his family of origins dirty laundry. His uncle was relentless with the headgames, and so was his cousin. The whole situation was demoralizing, and crazy making. His aunt (who was the blood relative from family of origin) was an angel, and very, very kind. But, she was also aloof working hours a day, and coming home and pretty quickly retreating to her bedroom. Though, she treated me with the utmost of kindness. I had already been told that there was marital problems between said aunt/uncle. And cousin was addicted to drugs and a thief. She stole a quilt that I had hand embroidered and put together for my son, shortly after I showed it to her. She stole a brand new rag doll that I had bought myself as a special present to myself for my efforts in life. No doubt they were traded for drugs. The disrespect and crazy making for the most part was suffocating. The sad part, is that, my sister and mother were less than 10 miles away. That whole situation in my own family of origin was so sick, that I could not call them for help or support.

My family of origin is quite dysfunctional. Hence, I married into the familiar-and tried to stay in the marriage until ‘death do us apart’.

This is what came flooding into my mind this morning while in the midst of being intensely angry about the historical society. Did the anger over the historical society trigger the memories? I would have to answer that one in the affirmative. I just find it hard to make the connection.

I have known that I was angry about the deafening disrespect shown to me by my ex. Over the years it built up to where if I had been a snake I would have bit him. IF I were a snake, I’d chosen to be a Cobra and I’d spat in his face—aiming for the eyes. I was angry. Yes, Yes, Yes…

I am not sure I ever felt any anger over the rape until possibly this morning as the memory came rushing back. In order to protect my son at the time, my automatic reaction was to keep quiet and hold any feelings in. It was most certainly, survival mode that I was in at the time. When I told my ex about it, there were no tears– it was just the facts. I was 1001% disconnected from my insides.

So obviously, even if we decide that we are NOT going to be angry person, and not take it out on those around us, and not let it affect our hearts, there is more than a conscious mind at play, and we are not in 100% control of what we do and how it affects us. 25 years later, I am just now feeling the real and intense anger in such a way that I can identify where it comes from and why.

I never got an apology from anyone. I pretty much lost my mind for awhile after that scene. No one knew why. They still do not know why.
And yet, I am the one that was “no angel” — I am the one in the wrong. I did the rejecting, I filed for divorce.

Over the years he brought home STDs, and filled my body and mind full of things that were just obscene. He expected me to perform acts that I had no interest in, and very often led me to tears. I lived through cracked and broken teeth created by being hit on the face and bruises from being hit elsewhere. Before it was all over, I was fairly sure he’d sexually assaulted his sister before we met or were married. I had lost all respect, if there was ever any to begin with.

Again – I get to make a point, that until we walk in the other person’s shoes we know not what their experience may have been, or what they have lived through.

The disconnect between the perpetrator and his feelings of shame must be something the size of the Grand Canyon. The disconnect the perpetrator causes in their victim and her shame while it may seem to not exist, is real, and life threatening. I was suicidal and was 51-50’d at this time. I thought it was because I had filed for divorce that I was suicidal. That is what I told the doctors. The truth is, that it was probably more over the rape, and the headgames, and the shear years of piled on disrespect and disconnection.

In these days of #MeToo, women are looking for acknowledgement, apologies, respect, and probably some retribution. I get it. I am a textbook case of a person assaulted as a child and that situation setting me up for assault after assault after assault my entire adult life. It is typical history for a woman in modern America. Peace even when it comes, still has the pain and memory of the violence from the past.

And the fallout keeps coming. My son has a pretty bad case of PTSD. How much of that came from that day 25 years ago….where he probably heard and saw the unbearable and what should have been unseeable and unhearable. A mother’s secret is about to become known…


Posted in Children's Rights, Health, History, Mental Illnesses, Parent/Child Relationships, Sexual Assault, Uncategorized, Womens Rights | Leave a comment

Broken Hearts…

It is true, I could never, ever hate my kids. But, I can sure not like them, and not like the things they say and do. And I never have to be sorry about that.
It is true, I could never, ever hate my kids. But, I can sure not like them, and not like the things they say and do. And I never have to be sorry about that.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can break a heart faster than a child can. I’m not talking about a young child, I’m talking about an adult child who you love with all your heart. Said child(ren) has grown up fairly arrogant and think they know absolutely everything, and that you (their parent knows nothing at all). The children are in their 30’s now, living their lives, and doing their thing, and you are happy for them. Suddenly it dawns on you that you are getting older, you are beginning to feel vulnerable in the world, and the kids are the people you kind of think might be there for you when you get older and can’t anymore.

I have discovered it was all a dream. And not a very realistic one at that. My older kids show about as much compassion as the perpetrators in their life showed them. As you might realize that means just about naught. There is no empathy. No attempts to try and walk in our shoes. No apologies. Not even, “I’m sorry you feel that way” —which doesn’t admit anything, but shows a tad little bit of compassion. I do feel let down. I’ve been to court for my kids and fought and fought and fought for them. I don’t expect much from them, as they have proven that I dare not. But, I never expected a proverbial kick in the teeth either.

For my oldest, I worked with the detectives and d.a. and got a perpetrator thrown in jail. I complained to anyone that would listen (senators, congressmen, judges, sheriffs, district attorney, police….) trying to make sure he did not get out on her 8th birthday. That was to no avail. But, I tried.

I fought to keep them safe from their father, that I eventually realized was abusive. I fought and fought and fought for them. At this point they agree that he was abusive. So, abusive that he took her and ran for about six years. When I found them each time, and made it known that I wanted to check on my child, he picked up and ran again. And I do mean, he’d pull her out of school that day to run. Literally.

My 2nd one down whom became the third one down after an adoption is bi polar and autistic. At ages 4, & 5 (approximately) he’d come home repeating the things he heard his father say before the father ran. Through tears I heard how “daddy is going to kill you, mommy, and throw you in the desert where no one can find you….and then Tina is going to adopt me.” Kids this age just do not make this stuff up. He could barely pronounce adoption….he was really just a little guy. And he was already showing signs of having issues… he needed absolutely Zero percent of this abusive treatment from his father. Between his mental illness, and his treatment by his father, and hate to say it, treatment by any man I have tried to have a relationship with, they single him out, and really treat him like shit. So, he too, has grown up with a lot of problems, and again, I have fought and fought and fought for him. I.E.P, Child protective services, etc…. I gave him up to the state to get him treatment when I could not longer control him. That was an absolute painful act of love. It was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. But at the time, I was worried that I was raising ‘Charlie Manson #2’ — something had to be done.

My adopted one. Now the #2, is someone that I felt very special for.
For me she was in a class all of her own. And you talk about side blinded. I never saw today coming. Not in the least. I think because of her, she is where most of my heartache, my heart break comes from.

With my oldest, its easy to see she’d picked up a lot of anger along the way. A LOT of anger. She is dysfunctional to say the least. A functional dysfunctional. But, between her anger and her arrogance (both of which comes from father and prior step mother attitude) — it is what drives her on in life. I knew we would reach a point where I could not live with it anymore. I reached my point. Where she basically attacked me over social media, and disrespected me and my husband in our own home. And she is not capable of even saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way mom.” That is the sad part for me.

A literal broken heart, ….. that is what my kids have given me.

For months now, I have been telling my significant other that I have a broken heart. When drs. started realizing that there is something wrong with my heart, I’ve been telling them that I have a broken heart. No one heard me until today. My cardiologist was looking yet again at my stress test. His answer today was, “You know, you just might be right, I think you’ve had a heart attack.” My answer, “Dr. I have never been diagnosed with a heart attack.” So, now we get more tests, I am waiting to be scheduled now. I need more blood work, and IF I have had a heart attack then, I need different kind of medical care. But, the doctor showed me on the pictures the dead part of my heart. I saw it with my own eyes. And I am pretty sure now, with thought, that I know just when it happened.

I know, exactly when it happened. When I was hurting the worst over those two angry girls, my 1st & 2nd. I have decided at this point, that we’ll probably never make up. Either way, the pain is real and it is there.
Neither of them realize just how much of me, is invested in them.
I don’t think I could make up now, if I wanted to. I’d be afraid they’d be willing to be just as compassionate and sympathetic — caring as they have been these past couple of years. The truth is, if I were to go through it again, they’d probably kill me. Other than the fact, that I had to learn to let go (again)….. I just can’t go through that again. They are too willing to be very hurtful. I am not willing to hurt. Although, I have to say, my heart will be broken and will hurt literally, for the rest of my life.

I do not hate them, I simply can’t take the pain. I am worn out. I have fought all my life in a kind of survival mode, first for myself as an abused child. My father raped me and had a lot of fun torturing me. Then raped again (In every conceivable way) by the first husband. Then again, by a boyfriend….his was mostly emotional and mental manipulation but it is just as bad as any physical abuse. While this is going on, I’m fighting for my kids.

Today I fight with hubby #2, over the kids. The crap never ends. There is a good chance that we’ll be going our separate ways, as I just can not take the stress anymore. period.

I have let go. I love all my kids, but I will not let them walk all over me or abuse me. Since at this point, there is no trust, and probably never will be again, in my mind I basically have two kids now. Now I put the ink to paper to try as a way of releasing the the harmful and unhealthy mush that has been holding me down literally for years. I can’t live with it anymore. I have to let it go.

At the same time, I can finally get it out, and say it out loud, I find out that I literally do have a broken heart. And I told the doctor it is probably because of my kids. And I have been saying it for months. Probably a couple of years now. I hope they are happy, that they literally, laid on the last straw that broke their mothers physical heart.

The bottom line, how they make me feel, after all that was done for them. Do I expect anything from them? Not really, nothing but a little respect. And I’ll never feel that I am wrong. RESPECT ~
Posted in Parent/Child Relationships, Womens Rights | Tagged | Leave a comment

Ethically Speaking, Part II, An Expansion of Truths

Clothing donated to DCHS from the Lane Family used to ‘protect’ steamer trunk from paint tools.

NOTE: I received a note from the Oregon Department of Justice yesterday.  In the note I was encouraged to get the word out about these issues via social media, blog, news outlets, AND by addressing the membership of the Douglas County Historical Society.  This essay will be distributed accordingly. 

State of Oregon – Oregon Department of Justice
100 SW Market St. Portland, OR 97201-5702
Oregon Department of Justice Ellen F. Rosenblum,
Attorney General
1162 Court Street Salem, OR 97301

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

DOUGLAS COUNTY HISTORICAL SOCIETY, Nonprofit, 501-c-3, aka DCHS. P.O. BOX 2534, Roseburg, OR 97470
EIN: 930495047

Until about two weeks ago, I was President of this organization and had been for about two years. I had approximately two more years to go on my term. Approximately two weeks before that, or so, I’d been diagnosed as having heart failure. However, the doctor was not a cardiologist. I let the Vice President, K** D*********; know about the diagnosis, because I thought he should know. I specifically asked him in an email not to tell anyone else, as I was still dealing with the news, and wasn’t ready to deal with others yet. I soon discovered that he called everyone on the board and told them. They decided that they had to help me with my chores.

Prior to diagnosis I was well aware of the fact that I was overwhelmed. Over the past 13 or so years with the historical society, I had taken on more and more responsibilities. Some of them were things that I loved to do, like write for the Publication, the Umpqua Trapper. But other responsibilities were taken as others on the board got older, sick and couldn’t do their jobs anymore, or they just flat out wanted to retire. I saw my term as President as my chance to get folks trained properly in what needed to be done at the historical society. At least to the best of my ability to teach, motivate, and yes, lead. I absolutely was aware of the need to fund raise, and increase membership numbers via activities that could attract folks to the historical society. I was aware that there was a lot of items that needed accessioning in properly (no one had done it since I’d been around), along with a whole slew of other things that just needed done in terms of keeping up a museum. My goal was to eventually have the Floed-Lane House receive accreditation from the American Alliance of Museums. I knew there was a big job that lay ahead of me and others. I knew that I wanted to approach these tasks ethically, legally, and even more important in the proper ways that helped to maintain and preserve the very rich past that is housed within both the walls of the Floed-Lane House, but also the ‘Annex’, a storage building behind the Floed-Lane House, aka Lane House, aka, The Douglas County Pioneer Museum.

As it turns out, I do NOT have heart failure. This is according to a cardiologist. I verbally tried to tell K**, but he wasn’t listening, and then I emailed him about it. What I do have is not life threatening, but it can be debilitating, as I have discovered. So, had K** kept this news to himself, perhaps things would be running smoothly, except for what I list below. Please note that everything can be proven via: minutes, agendas, photos, where applicable, notes, etc., email.

  1. Weed Eater: This is really a very small thing. However, in my mind it shows the mindset that is being dealt with the current board. Specifically as it pertains to the Vice President and a particular Director at Large: Months ago, I realized that a brand new weed eater that was bought with historical society funds from the general fund, and still in the box, specifically for the back yard at the Floed-Lane House, was gone. It had been removed from the box, and the box was left to lay. Eventually, within a week or two, the weed eater returned. Soon, I heard that the weed eater had been taken by a particular board member, and that she had used it on the yard of one of her rentals. What really bothers me about this situation is that this particular board member just returned from a week’s long vacation in Europe. This implies of course, that she can afford her own weed eater and that there was absolutely no need for her to put the wear and tear on one that was owned by the historical society. Now, I told the vice president about it, and he agreed that it was wrong. But he said it was no big deal, and that she was worth far more to the society than the weed eater. Of course, what bothers me about this is the mindset, and will either of them know when to stop, when it comes to property that belongs to the historical society.

 2.  Paint tools, etc., on an unprotected steamer trunk. Not long after the weed eater incident, I found a recently donated steamer trunk covered with paint tools. The steamer trunk was not protected in any way from the tools or potential of paint drips, etc. Probably only 10 feet away was a box of leaf and litter (garbage bags) that could have been used as a protective layer. However, in my opinion (and of that of a local peer who was aghast when she saw the photo) nothing should have EVER been put on top of that steamer trunk. I sent out an email to all board members. I did not name names, though; there were only two board members in charge of the labor (inmate work program) and painting. I asked that people stop working a little earlier so that they were not too tired at the end of the day to clean up properly. Judging from the reaction, I’d say that the same board member mentioned above, a Director at Large, female,  made the mistake. She ‘fixed’ the problem. She took a piece of clothing, also a donated artifact, and put it on top of the steamer trunk, and then put the tools on top of that. As of the last time I was in the Annex, the steamer trunk was still in this state, though I had already protested more than once. Please keep in mind, that this bothers me for these reasons: These items were donated by descendants of the General Joseph & Polly Lane family. This family trusts the Douglas County Historical Society to protect, preserve, and maintain those items. I see the treatment of that artifact, and others in the Annex as a slap in the face to that specific family who donated the items less than two years ago. They are in VERY GOOD shape I might add. I also see this as a lack of respect and slap in the face to the membership of the Douglas County Historical Society who not only trusts the board and volunteers but expects us to preserve, protect, and maintain the items for the future. You can take that last sentence and remove “membership” and put in its place, “citizens” of Douglas County. Yes, this whole thing makes me angry. (see photos)

 3.  An antique pancake turner was apparently used as a paint scraper. I first found the pancake turner in the bathroom sitting on the sink counter. It was clean, but did not belong there. I put it back into the utensil holder it came from. The next time I found it, it was in with the paint tools. This item is also a donation from the Lane Family descendants and came with and inside one of the steamer trunks. It is very appropriate that we keep these items according to DCHS mission statement. They had no right (they meaning the labor, or said Director at Large mentioned above, who was in charge at the time) to use said historical items as tools of this type. Had they asked me, I’d said, no and asked them how many scrapers they needed. I’d made a beeline to the hardware store! In fact, I’d been told we’d bought several scrapers much earlier in the job when we were still preparing to paint! (see photos) The problem with these two issues is that they came after the weed eater incident. And after, ,the Director at Large started paying for labor to get the Floed-Lane house painted, and AFTER she’d told Vice President she didn’t want anyone to know, and after he slipped up and gave the information to me. The information came during an conversation where again, he was telling me that the unprotected trunk and pancake turner incident were no big deal, and that Director at Large had donated so much at this point that we had to let it go. She was just too important to the organization. I see this view point as dead wrong and I have made it known. (Proof via emails) I cannot let this go. If she feels she can abuse an artifact like this, how in the world can we trust her in any other way? To me, what I see is a feeling of entitlement. She was upset that the board passed a policy that no equipment belonging to the historical society can be borrowed by anyone. She voted for it, apparently without realizing what is said. That should not have upset her in the least. The policy is common sense in my mind.

4.  Toe boards: DCHS (Douglas County Historical Society) – Some history. The deck on the lower porch on the Floed-Lane House needed replaced. An older member offered to pay for the job. Somewhat later, she said she wanted a certain contractor to do the work. The former President, John Robertson, approved of that. Well the ‘contractor’ was young and did a historically incorrect job, and didn’t bother to let anyone know how rotten the supports underneath the deck were. So, the society had to start all over. DCHS received a huge grant from the state of Oregon and the decking and supports were replaced in a historically correct way. The lumber from the brand new (First) decking was saved. Ideas have been tossed around for using it, picnic tables or back steps for the back door. The lumber was stacked behind the storage building. One day, a Saturday, when I was the volunteer docent that day, I was` opening up the Floed-Lane House I noticed a man taking boards from that lumber pile. I tell him to put them back. I had no clue what was going on, but no one was taking that lumber. The boss of the roofing job next door, at the Vice Presidents house came over and informed me that the Vice President said they could use the lumber for toe boards while they were on the job. There has been a discussion in the past of the boards being used for picnic tables or for back steps at the back door of the Floed-Lane House. Either way, they were not his personal property, he had NO right to tell that contractor to use the lumber, and he CAN absolutely afford to buy his own! (This man is the owner of Mobile Tune on the corner of Washington & Rose in Roseburg) This happened WEEKS after the weed eater incidence.

5.  Formation of the Board: Two days after turning in my keys to the society, after my husband made a remark about something he was unhappy about, in terms of the behavior of these people not listening to what was right about how to treat artifacts etc., I came to the realization that I basically let the Vice President stack the board just like a deck of cards! When I gave up the keys last week this was the board’s formation:

A. Peggy A. Rowe Snyder, President, Myself, voted in nearly 10 years ago first as Director at Large, then as Secretary by another board.

B. Kenneth Deatherage, Vice President, voted in by a previous board.

C. Carol Dudley, Treasurer, Mr. Deatherage’s book keeper at his business, Mobile Tune. Based on her statement to my husband, we know she feels her paycheck depends on her doing whatever Ken wants her to do. The question is, does this include a vote on issues before the board?

D.  Cynthia Rockney Wilson, Secretary, chosen and introduced by Ken Deatherage. (She was asked to leave the downtown association board for some reason, Ken promised to “keep her under control”)

E.  John Robertson, Director at Large, former President. (120% totally innocent of any of this) (and wasn’t contacted by anyone other than me and wasn’t asked for a vote on any matter)

F. Lois Deatherage, Director at Large, Ken Deatherage’s wife.

G. Clyde Snyder, Director at Large, my husband, voted in by a previous board. (also innocent of this stuff, mostly a witness to it)

H. Dale Greenley, Director at Large, chosen and introduced by Ken Deatherage. Whom I interviewed and still had 2nd thoughts about because of a past experience with a family member of his. Mr. Deatherage informed me prior to the vote that he had the votes to get him in, so I had to just get used to it. 

I. Nicholas Schaebert, Director at Large, suggested by myself. (120% totally innocent of any of this)

J. Maria Crince, Director at Large, Ken Deatherage’s wife’s best friend.

“This gives Mr. Deatherage a clear majority, if anyone feels obligated to him…

This gives Mr. Deatherage a clear majority, if anyone feels obligated to him. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that Ken Deatherage would abuse the power, as he has. It just never even dawned on me that he would. But when you fail to follow the by-laws that are filed with the state then you are breaking the law. Kenneth Deatherage can’t sight lack of experience, or knowledge, he sits on at least two other boards in Douglas County: 1. Salvation Army board in Roseburg, & 2. The Downtown Association Board (President). Surely he learned a few things along the way??

6. Abuse of Power: Within a couple of weeks of hearing the news that I had ‘heart failure’ Ken Deatherage, Dale Greenly, and Maria Crince had put together an ‘Executive Committee’. Keep in mind that according to the by-laws, the President makes committees and assigns people to them (unless I am mistaken), and I had tried to do this, and no one followed through on what was asked of them. This committee called a meeting and informed me that I needed help, and Maria asked that I make a list of things that I needed help with. Ken asked me to drop off the mail key to Carol Dudley. (Turns out he’d given his copy to her already). I am a slow thinker, in that things need time to percolate in my brain. Things did not hit me until after the meeting, hours and even a couple of days later. But during this meeting, I was told to not talk to anyone on the board anymore about any of my concerns. My messages were not ‘palatable’. After nearly 25 years with historical societies, I cannot believe that I was EVER not palatable. But, I had used the word “boundaries” when I spoke about the unprotected steamer trunk. There is an email to prove it, but, yes, I said someone clearly had boundary issues. According to Ken, I ‘triggered’ someone. Personally, considering the disrespect shown to the donors of the artifacts, and supporters in general, I don’t care if I ‘triggered’ someone. I was also told that Ken had talked to a lady that a former board had kicked off a prior DCHS board due to unethical behavior and for fear of artifacts coming up missing. Dale Greenly is a cousin of this lady and was obviously advocating for her, and stated she’d run these types of organizations before. Ken Deatherage had me know that she was going to be welcomed back to the historical society, despite a previous boards decision, and without a vote. Her name is Charlotte Eggleston. During that same meeting, Ken also made it clear that the committee had decided that Bernie Woodard would be welcomed into the society. I had already given a flat out NO to Bernie. He is a convicted felon. A neighbor to the Floed-Lane House believes he is a ‘white collar criminal’. I have researched Bernie Woodard and showed the research to fellow board members. The previous board wanted nothing to do with him. Again, this welcoming was decided with out a vote. Since this time, Ken has informed me that they only wanted a sign that Bernie was willing to give the Floed-Lane House. Again I said NO. I contacted the McLaughlin House in Oregon City and asked them if Bernie had ever worked for them, and had they given the sign (some piece of chimney off the McLaughlin house) to him as he claimed. They emailed me back and let me know they’d never worked with him, and never associated with him. I deduced from the answer they never gave him the chimney piece either. So, my NO to taking the sign (chimney piece) was fear of ‘receiving stolen property’. I don’t want the Douglas County Historical Society associated with that man or his history in any way, shape or form!

7. I wrote Ken then and told him with Charlotte coming back, and at the time I thought Bernie was being brought in, and between that and the abuse of the artifacts, and that no one thought they were important that I was ready to step down as President. And I wrote that the moment Bernie stepped in, I was stepping out. And I meant it. During this same meeting, mentioned above, Dale Greenley informed me that a box of newspapers should go to the other museum. Our mission clearly states that ALL Oregon History is within our pervue, that box of newspapers belongs with the society if it so chooses and NO one person should make that decision, unless they are a trained collection manager!

8. Days later, Ken called me; I gave the phone to my husband. Among other things my husband was told that at this point, if I did not step down, they’d vote me out. I had to this point, nothing wrong except perhaps say one unpalatable word. I had not yet missed one meeting. I had missed one of my docent days. ONE! Thirteen years of service, NO complaints, and a LOT of hard work, taking classes to be sure I am doing stuff right, writing two major grants, and this is what I get for trying to do things right! I had refused to attend a meeting, called by “3 or 4 people”. They were not telling me why the meeting was being called, it was originally called by the secretary which was not according to by laws, and I told them the person who should call the meeting, if I am uncapable (and I was NOT), &  it needed to be done properly. But, maybe this is why I was to be thrown off the board, because I refused to sit and listen to them tell me about all the wrong I was doing, when I was NOT. Ken let my husband know that it was time to return all DCHS property to the Annex including the keys. So, basically, I was removed without a vote by the board. For no reason whatsoever in my mind.

9. So three or four people decided that I didn’t belong on the board. Ken Deatherage because my opinions and legitimate concerns were not “palatable”. Cynthia probably because I triggered her, and because obviously she thinks she should be allowed to do as she pleased, because she NEVER corrected the clothing being used as protection problem on the steamer trunk to my knowledge. And Dale Greenly because I had the audacity to send the whole board an email voicing my concerns about Charlotte Eggleston which are as follows:

A. We would be breaking a former’s board’s precedent, and ignoring their very valid concerns.

B. It looked to me like Ken was making this a command decision, and there really was no vote yet.

C. At the time, Charlotte had told me to print a message in the Umpqua Trapper, “from the President” and in his name, John Robertson, without John’s permission. She had given a box of genealogical stuff to the local Genealogical society without anyone else’s knowledge or permission, and I saw it returned, so I know it happened. I had been told that she had brought in an appraiser, when that is unethical. She either attempted to sell or promised to give a sewing machine away. There is a confederate money(s) that may be missing. Board members at the time had NO clue what all had happened and what was missing that is how far out of control they felt at the time.

D.  I also stated that had Charlotte really run a historical society, she would have not done the things she did simply because what she did, did not follow proper museum protocol (accessioning in AND OUT). And with these concerns, I honestly, don’t see why anyone would take a chance. Yet, when my husband delivered the keys to the Annex, Ken had Charlotte in the Annex, and it looked like an interview to my husband. We figure she’s on the board at this point. Which gives her unlimited power to throw things away, which is something she told me she did. Which might have been fine, if she had followed proper protocol.

At this point, if our collections are audited, we’d never pass the audit.

…”she told Clyde that she had to do whatever it was the Ken asks of her, because her paycheck depended on it. Does her paycheck depend on her vote(s) as well??”…

  1. 0. Last but not least, While dropping the mail key off to Carol Dudley, my husband Clyde made a remark, it was probably meant to be humorous knowing him. Carol’s answer however spoke volumes. Not a direct quote however she told Clyde that she had to do whatever it was the Ken asks of her, because her paycheck depended on it. Does her paycheck depend on her vote(s) as well?? I do not know at this point, if any of these people, have broken any laws severely enough to be looked at. I know if I sat in an official’s seat in Salem, I’d want to look further.

Please note that when it comes to the protection of history, I am and have been for years and years, very passionate about not only the protection, but also preservation, conservation, maintaining in an ethical, honest, transparent, and absolutely legal way! I know that there are several people out there that would back up that statement whole heartedly. Thank you for your time. Please note that I do have emails, notes, agendas, minutes, etc. to help to prove nearly all if not all of what I say here.

Thank you for your time, Peggy A. Rowe Snyder
Former President, DCHS, and now a VERY concerned citizen.
(P.S. I never officially resigned, and I still have no letter informing me that I have been voted out.)

Posted in Announcements, Culture, For Sale, Political Crap, Uncategorized, Webmaster, Womens Rights | Leave a comment

The Definition of Insanity: Hate & Intolerance

Please take note that I am talking about specific people that I have an awareness of.  Most of my writing comes from awareness of actual living conditions of someone. Often such people are close to me.  So, when I am saying anything, I may not name a name because truly, I don’t want to make any bad situation worse. I simply hold the situation up to the light, hoping that others will not fall into the trap of thought that creates the arrogance that surrounds these attitudes of intolerance and hatred. 

My children, specifically, my three biological children were raised on the idea that when they grew up, they would be able to research their spirituality, religious inclinations, sexuality, gender, or whatever it was (no matter what it was) for themselves, and that I would not try to sway them.  My idea was that they’d decide for themselves what was important to them because for whatever reason, they’ve researched it or lived it, whatever.  My hope of course, that they’d make good sound decisions for themselves.  

I have watched all three grow up to be non-believers.  Each for their own set of reason(s).  I do not fault them for it.  The youngest two were taken to and participated in church services in Geyserville, Sonoma County, CA at Geyserville Christian Church.  A church that I could live with, be active in, and be proud of for it’s inclusive nature, loving stance, and non-hypocritical themes.  I do believe with all of my heart that they got some ‘good stuff’ from those experiences.

The kids were made aware that I was raised by a non-practicing 7th Day Adventist, and avid atheist.  The kids and I also attended 7th Day Camp meetings, and other of the same type of gatherings with friends, family, etc.

And while in no way, did I force the christian outlook onto the kids, neither did I insist they believe the dogma.  I simply stated that due to my childhood circumstance it was a fight to believe in God, but it made me feel better and comforted when I did.  Nothing was crammed down their throat by me, and specifically, that is because of my very own experiences as a young person.

The oldest child was stolen away from me for six years.  Father took her and ran, and hid away.  When I found an address, usually they’d already moved on, but if they had not, and I made a move to contact said child, they’d pick up and leave.  I had absolutely no involvement with her life. And this was NOT by choice.  The courts were warned that this would happen, and as far as I am concerned, they let it happen.

During this child’s time away, she grew up, and became a person that I really did not know.  She was exposed to Catholic tradition, which in and of itself, I do not see as a bad thing.  But, her distaste (i.e. intolerance, hatred)  for all things Christian leads me to believe something NOT good happened there. 

It would have been OK if oldest said she didn’t approve of youngest’s boyfriends family.  Youngest might have taken it under advisement.  Personally, I see nothing wrong with this family, and I do see an attitude of prejudgment from older daughter that frightens the bajesus out of me when I think of young people being around her. 

If oldest would have made her statement and left it alone, perhaps she might have even gotten her way, because she wouldn’t have been nagging and threatening the youngest, and causing youngest to rebel even more (which at her age, she’s going to do—it’s her age, duh!)

But the matter was forced from what I hear, with a lot of anger mixed in which in all reality made older daughter look irrational, jealous, arrogant, full of hate, and intolerance.  In fact, in her mother’s eyes, she has become the epitome of the extremist christian view only on the other side of the wall.  And she can’t even blame the middle of the ground faith of her mother for it.  She can only blame herself for falling for an extremest, hateful, and intolerant view point.  (Not all Christians are bad people,  and YOUR attitude is far less loving, than most Christians I’ve ever met.  And before you say you don’t care how I feel, let me just say, YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW BETTER THAN THIS!)

The kids WERE warned to stay away from the fundamentalists, and extremest, as we didn’t need any more of those in this world, no matter which side of the argument they stood on.  And on an aside, I know I have mentioned at least to one of them, that they needed to be careful that they didn’t fall to an extreme attitude in the exact opposite direction of the christian fundamentalists and or any other type of extremists. 

Now, the people I am talking to right now, had at least two situations going on.  I’ve done a basic introduction to the one situation I’m going to write about.  But, I also want to mention that animal abuse is also involved with this story, and as far as concerned, now that the animal is under my care,  ALL  parties involved are as guilty of animal abuse.  The accusers were under as much moral and ethical obligation to take care of the animal as the ‘owner’, because the animal was in their home and they were watching the neglect happening and doing absolutely NOTHING except ragging on the owner: a 19 yr. old who has discovered (finally) that life and the world is FUN!  Either way, at this point, my stance on this situation is that this animal better never leave my home again.  Ridiculous is an understatement.  I’m not sure but we are looking at a chargeable offense right now.   What this animal has been through is more than neglect, it was down right mean.  Nuff said.  (I may post photos of said animal, it is sad and tragic.)

Back to the original subject of this essay.  Part of the reason said young person was kicked out of her living space (a room in an older siblings home that a boyfriend owns) is because she is seeing a young man whose parents are christian.  Participating christian in that they go to church, and apparently at least try to walk the walk and talk the talk.  I’ve never met them, but I can say, I’m very impressed by their child, and their home.  Oldest daughter and boyfriend ordered youngest daughter to stop seeing boyfriend because his parents were trying to to convert her.

And my answer to that is, “SO!?!?!?!?!?!”  Really!!!!??? Older child needs to take a step back and listen to those around her, and more than anything else, listen to herself.  She is espousing arrogance, hatred, and intolerance.  If she had a conversation with herself, and really, really listened, she’d know, she’s wrong.

There are people out there who are ‘very’ christian and are VERY GOOD people.  There is a mixture of both good and bad in every sort of human group imaginable.  But, do you hate one whole group because of one bad person?  Yes, there are stupid people out there, but does that mean that they are not sincerely trying to live a good, honest, compassionate life?

I think what is the most important in this case is that these people are loving, supportive, compassionate, involved.  Their child has been so well directed in his childhood that he’s looking at possibly becoming a nuclear engineer and you honestly think he’s not good enough for your sister?
OH, give me a break!  If someone is not good enough for another, it’s probably that you are not good enough for your own boyfriend!

The judgement that has been rendered is short sided and woefully, prejudice based on personal experiences (which were not good), and incredibly hurtful.  Oldest daughter was taught to live and let live.  Her mother NEVER tried to control her in anyway, even when said daughter, decided that Wicca was her thing.  Did I agree with it? I am open to the earth based religions only because of their tie to the planet, and the ancient human cultures.  I’ve never practiced it to any degree, and no, I do not believe for one minute that anyone can be a witch, not even a good one.  I saw said child as confused due to her very bad childhood experiences (which I had no control over).

One final paragraph to said daughter’s boyfriend:  Look at what your young daughter has now been exposed to and tell me this is NOT going to hurt her in the future.  How long do you think it is going to take before that mouth and attitude has found it’s way to being directed at YOUR daughter???  This is obviously, at this point, not run of the mill anger being spewed out in your home.  Your daughter has a beautifully UGLY example of arrogance, hatred, and intolerance before her.  And you actually want her to learn this?  It’s one thing to instill your values, it’s another to encourage these traits.  And it’s another to leave her in a situation where you know this attitude can be turned onto her — that would be child abuse.  

—-an essay under construction….

Posted in Culture, Health, Lifestyle, Mental Illnesses, Uncategorized, Womens Rights | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

A bit more history…

Calvin Rowe, my 2nd Great Uncle, article from the Bangor Daily Whig & Courier, from Bangor, Maine.  12 Feb 1898.
Calvin Rowe, my 2nd Great Uncle, article from the Bangor Daily Whig & Courier, from Bangor, Maine.  12 Feb 1898.

Turning the focus back to myself (my blog, na, na, na, na, na), and my family.  Doing some research today and found an interesting clip.  In reality it is sad thing.

The above clip was taken from the Bangor Daily Whig & Courier of Bangor, Somerset County, Maine.  It is dated Feb. 12, 1898.

Below is copied from my Facebook page:  

My great great grandfather was alive when this was written. By this time, my Rowe branch, including my gr gr, Alden B. Rowe were in Lane County, Oregon. But, the man in this article, is in the right place (Moscow, Somerset, Me) and time, 1898, to be my gr gr’s brother, Calvin Rowe. It is a sad thing, but it is, another of one of those details that make our ancestors more human to us. Those who came before us become a “who” instead of a “what” from the past.

What is the sad thing, is that ol’ Alden lived to be very old and as far as research goes, it seems he kept his mind the whole time. Seems as if Calvin did not. Calvin came west at the same time as Alden & family. Since Calvin was the older of the brothers, Alden et al,  was probably following along with Calvin. But, when no gold was to be had, Calvin, wife, and one child went back to Maine, and Alden slowly headed north from the California Gold fields. Another piece of puzzle of what became… of me. 🙂

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Ethically Speaking

Neophytes: Retreat!!!!

To the Editor – Sent to the News-Review, KPIC, etc.

Lane Family donated this Steamer Trunk less than two years ago
Lane Family donated this Steamer Trunk less than two years ago

People sometimes do not realize that once they have committed themselves to a legal 501-3-c that they have also committed to follow a line of laws and ethics that are meant to protect the organization.  In this particular case, I am speaking about a local organization, Douglas County Historical Society, or DCHS for short.

There have been some very small ‘details’ in terms of Ethics broken recently.  Which would be no big deal except to say that, “the devil is in the details.”

Recently a docent saw some workmen removing lumber from the property of the Floed-Lane House (DCHS).  Docent stopped said behavior.  After all, as far as the docent knew, no one had permission to remove the lumber.  Keep in mind that this lumber is 2×6 pieces, probably no more than 5 feet long.  The idea of making back stairs, or picnic tables with the lumber had been tossed around. No final decisions had been made about what was to be done.  Turns out within a few minutes a boss from a roofing project next door to the Floed-Lane house came to the museum and informed the docent that the owner of the house next door said that the roofer could use the said lumber for ‘toe boards” while they roof the next door house.  The owner of the house is a prominent business owner in Roseburg.   The business is on the corner of Washington and Rose.  The owner of the home is a Christian and professes doing things properly. (He is also a member of the DCHS Board)

Taking a few boards might seem like a very small thing.  Until you realize that there is NO shortage of income in the family of the said business owner/leader. 

When it comes to museums here is one definition about the code of ethics that those associated with museums must follow.  This definition comes from the American Alliance of Museums:  “Ethics principles that help people make choices about what they ought to do. Ethical practices are based on rights,obligations, or other values. Acting ethically means adopting behaviors that,if universally accepted, would lead to the best possible outcomes for the largest possible number of people. A commonly agreed upon set of ethical principles and practices encourage people to act beneficially and for the common good.

Clothing donated to DCHS from the Lane Family used to ‘protect’ steamer trunk from paint tools.

“Acting ethically is different from acting lawfully. Laws usually reflect ethical standards that most citizens accept. AAM’s Code of Ethics for Museums reminds us that “Legal standards are a minimum. Museums and those responsible for them must do more than avoid legal liability; they must take affirmative steps to maintain their integrity so as to warrant public confidence. They must act not only legally but also ethically.”

“A code of ethics
 is a statement of shared values that informs museum behavior and practice so as to maintain integrity and warrant public confidence. (source:

Food as found in the DCHS Annex. The organization pays a monthly fee to protect against pests. Why do something like this to invite in the pests?

Between the idea of ethics, and using the logical argument of the ‘slippery slope’ then one realizes the need to point out:   Does the homeowner next door to the museum understand what this small act of basically theft undermines the whole principle of ethics that museums and their boards and volunteers must follow?

This small act sets an example for others in the organizations.  Others learn that boundaries within the organization are fluid, and that it’s OK to take stuff off the property, no matter what the reasoning, even when it is for personal use.  Probably the most important ethic principle that applies under this circumstance is this:” The museum is a good steward of its resources held in the public trust.”   Is using the lumber from the property of a non-profit museum the good use of a resource?  Personally, I don’t want to eat food off of lumber that has had people’s feet all over it.  Another question: If the lumber had been stacked on city property just a few lots away, would the home owner have given permission for the lumber to be used at least without permission?  IF not, then why do two different modes of logic apply to the different properties?  The person who follows this behavior has minimized other people’s behavior whose logic seems to follow the same exact path.

Note the paint tools on top of the utensils keeper.  All donated by the Lane family.  All atop beautiful hand made shelving that was also left unprotected.  Shelving built by prior President, Kenneth Shrum.
Close up of pancake turner in with paint tools. President of the historical society ‘saved’ pancake turner more than once and put it back with other items that were donated by the Lane Family. President believes the pancake turner was used to scrape paint on or around the Floed-Lane House.

Months and months ago, a weed eater was purchased for DCHS.  It was brand new and still in the box.  The tool was absolutely needed for the backyard space behind the museum.  Some weeks later a couple of board members noticed that the weed eater was gone. Later it was discovered that a board member took the weed eater out of the box, and then used it on one of her rental properties.  When it was brought back, it wasn’t even cleaned up first.   There was no permission asked to use the tool, and it was flat out unethical to use it.  Membership or community monies are used to buy this lumber and the weed eater mentioned.  In the case of the lumber, it was bought by an older member of the society and she trusted that the materials would be used in a correct and ethical way.  In the case of the weed eater, the purchase was made from the general fund.  But, who is it that the monies from the general fund comes from?  Short answer: It comes from YOU!  It comes from people buying the Umpqua Trapper, it comes from donations from people who trust that the organization will spend funds in a reasonable and trustworthy manner. It was honorable to spend the money on a weed eater. Keeping the yard looking nice is one way to attract the public and encourage them to come into the museum and visit.

It is the writer’s experience that the lifetime of a weed eater just isn’t that long .   The person who ‘borrowed’ the weed eater without anyone else’s permission on the board actually just got home from a week’s long trip to Europe.  The point is there is NO shortage of funds in that household either.  Why is it ok to put wear and tear on a weed eater that was bought specifically for the purpose of use for a non-profit ok to use on personal property, especially when we are looking at a family who has the income to buy their own???  The same amount of energy it took to drive to the DCHS storage building and unbox that weed eater and take it to the rental to use is was probably nearly identical to the expense of energy of driving to a hardware store, purchasing one, and then driving to the rental.

Can you see that there are donated pieces of whole furniture under that cardboard?? Well, that’s the point.

One note, this person may not be a prominent member of the Roseburg area.  But, she is an active member of area, and she lives downtown and espouses that she cares about the area.  She was on the Downtown Association board and was actually asked to leave.  I have no idea why.  But, I wonder now, if perhaps boundaries might have been an issue?  And I also wonder now, again, using the slippery slope argument, just when will this person draw the line?  Is she going to know when to stop??

The person who gave the permission to the contractor to take the lumber minimizes the behavior of the woman who took the weed eater.  Probably because if he finds her wrong he has to realize what he himself has done.  But, realize it or not, they have now entered into a partnership of non-verbal, and non-ethical compliance.  If the pattern holds, then more and more serious laws and ethical rules can be broken and each will, more than likely,  protect the other’s behavior.  How long will be it be before artifacts are taken from the museum and ‘sold’ and how much of it will go into their pocket?

The Floed-Lane House has in the past couple of years made a stunning physical transformation.  Part of it is due to the state paying for a new fence which adds a whole new feel for the place.  This was part of the deal that was made by DCHS and the state, whereby DCHS let a tiny slice of physical property go towards the road realignment project.  The State of Oregon Heritage Commission under Oregon’s Park and Recreation department in Salem issued DCHS a couple of HUGE grants.  One for a little over six thousand dollars for a HVAC system that was meant to protect the artifacts inside the museum from the extremes of heat, cold and moisture.  The state basically paid for the system in full.  The state also put a large chunk of cash towards the replacement of the front lower porch on the museum.  The state contributed around seventeen thousand dollars to that project alone!  This project was necessary because the supports under the decking of the porch were so rotten that there was nothing supporting the upper porch.  It was a severe danger to visitors and volunteers alike.  Without the state the project would have never been completed, reason being non-profits have a habit of running on shoestring budgets, holding onto every dime they can, always looking at another form of fundraising, or ways to earn income so that the lights can remain on, let alone accomplish a major and necessary upkeep project.

Next, the porch project then required a paint job.  There were bids obtained towards the paint job.  Bids came in at approximately 18K.  The board decided that the organization could not afford such an expense.  The board decided to do the job themselves, and to try and get the public involved.  Proudly, they did.  People donated time, materials, skills, and equipment.  There was a paint party held, and some people came and participated.  What this showed is community support for the project and TRUST.  The community TRUSTS that the board is doing the proper things behind the scenes to make things happen.  The community TRUSTS the board members to follow a code of ethics and the law to keep the organization above board and above reproach.

The community is trusting that the board members are NOT using DCHS property for their own personal gain, even if it is ONLY to save money that might be spent on a few pieces of lumber or a weed eater.

There are photos that exist that show tools from the above paint job (which is not quite finished) – were laid on a unprotected pristine steamer trunk donated less than two years ago by the descendants of the Lane Family.  It is one of a collection of four.  They came full of clothing, old wool blankets from the time of Joe and Polly Lane.  There were kitchen utensils and other goodies in the trunks.  The Lane Family descendants gave this gift to the organization basically with no strings attached.  They trusted that the artifacts, the steamer trunks and their contents would be correctly cared for!  TRUST!  Just like the general public and the membership, the family trusts the board to do the right thing!

This potato bin was probably donated by the Moore family estate, or either way by a family of a Douglas County Pioneer family. Of the thousands and thousands of items donated to the museum, in the accessions catalog, this is number: 28. You can see what respect and protection that #28 is getting today from the current board members.

When it was asked that the trunk be protected, a member of the board grabbed a piece of donated clothing and put it between the trunk and the painting tools.  This took the original lack of consideration for the object and made the issue twice as bad.  There were large plastic garbage bags not even 10 feet away.  Again, we see boundary issues, the abuse of trust, and a total lack of consideration for the trust put into the board by the membership of DCHS and the community. 

There are yet a couple more issues that I could describe, but this should be enough to get the public’s attention, and make the said board members think twice before they violate ethics rules or laws again.  I personally would have them thrown off the board.  I have asked them to step down, but they have refused to vote themselves off, or to voluntarily step down.  The board is now being run by 3 or 4 key people.  The state is being contacted about all of the things going on at the board level.

For those who want to know, I was President of the Board until two days ago.  This is how I know about these things.  I saw this go on with my own eyes.  It was me who told the workers to put the lumber back.  It was myself and my husband that noted the weed eater gone, and were in shock to discover that it was used on a rental by a fairly well off board member.  It was me who took photos not only of tools being on a steamer trunk, and then the piece of clothing being used to protect the steamer trunk, but also of stuff being strewn on top of and burying other artifacts, and of food being left in the storage room to attract pests (we pay a monthly fee to kill pests, why attract more?). I have quite a few photos.   

It was I who was told that I was ‘ranting’ and that my words were unpalatable when in fact, the words, were statements of the facts.  The words pointed out the ethical and legal violations.  In words board members were asked in a non-identifying and non-threatening way that they stop all unethical and unlawful behavior.  I  even suggested that volunteers stop working early so that they still had energy to clean up tools, etc., properly.

I am NOT looking for attention or even a good word.  I am looking for artifacts to be treated with honor and consideration as required by the state laws, ethics, and reasonable logic.  I am asking for DCHS owned resources NOT be used for personal gain unless it pertains DIRECTLY to helping DCHS.  For example, I’d have no problem loaning the weed eater to a neighbor so that he could get the weeds between us and him if he wanted. But, don’t use it in your personal yard, or business – rent free.

Note: One last point, the two people mentioned above have donated significant time and money to the effort. But, this does not mean that they can abuse the power of those facts when it comes to handling of artifacts, or the borrowing of resources or tools.  Having said that, the most egregious act in my opinion is the failure to protect the artifacts.

Written on behalf of members of DCHS, the community at large, the descendants of the Lane Family (and other descendants of the pioneer families who have donated artifacts, time, and money in the past), the state, and others who have interest in protecting the very rich past of Douglas County, Oregon.  My goal: To stop ethic and legal injustices, to bring attention to behavior that could get worse. To make the state of Oregon aware of the issues at hand in Roseburg, Oregon. To protect the artifacts (i.e. Treasures), the reputation and the spirit of Douglas County Historical Society.

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My Silver Lining…

     There is always, always a cloud with a silver lining to it. It may be very hard to find, but it is there. The particular silver lining in this case is the lack of stress that has overcome my life for the past while. For months I have wanted to take the time to learn to paint. I wanted to go back to embroidery. I have wanted to get out the sewing machine and sew. I did not know why I wanted to do these things, I just knew I felt drawn. I thought perhaps some trapped artist (LOL!!! Really??) in there wanting out. More than anything else, I’ve had a sense that the hobbies would help me to relax, unwind, and put things in perspective.
     All of these months, I’ve either worked on my job (project) or my job (historical society, the Trapper, the membership, the porch project, talking to people in the media, groups, and more – and continuous work on it’s image, etc., etc., etc.) There has not been any balance to life for awhile. 
     So, my silver lining as it were, is going to be my ability to sit and truly relax. Truly enjoy my environment with nearly no worries, nearly no commitment (excluding family of course). I can turn my attention back to other things that I love: photography, gardening, friends, family – not necessarily in that order. LOL Clyde asked me recently, after watching me interact with a baby, if I had ever thought of fostering children. I had to look at him and honestly say, “all the time.” But, I also added that I did not think I’d have the energy to keep up with small ones anymore. I do not believe I have it in me to foster children anymore. But, what I do have is energy enough to go to a local school and read to a child. In some small way I can continue to contribute to society, and maybe, just maybe make some difference for someone. These will be my silver linings!!!

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Breathe, Peggy, Breathe

I am so tired, I can not even contemplate how tired I am. It is a very emotional tired. It is probably irrational at this point. 
     I was recently very nicely admonished about using the word ‘boundary’ or ‘boundaries’.  It is a ‘trigger’ word as it was explained to me. People don’t like it.
     Same such person, when I tried to explain the reason why I come out with my boxing gloves on during a dispute shut me down and began to tell me about how his dad spanked him every single day. No one had it worse than him.
     Talk about a trigger. Do NOT bother to try and shut me down EVER again. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO BELITTLE MY EXPERIENCES. I am too old to listen to it and to sit there and even begin to absorb it. You are wasting your time, and mine. 
     I have spent the last few days working very hard to be rational and trying to understand why I am reacting to this ‘very nice’ scene where I got put in my place (they think). 
     And two of them used my health to get me to try (i.e. force me) to comply. I went into the meeting that was called feeling betrayed (but not realizing it yet). I had told the #2 about the heart failure and asked him not to tell the others yet. I needed some time to absorb my reality. I think it was a very reasonable request. Shortly I found out he called EVERYONE involved, using the excuse that I needed protecting. 
     I am very aware that a society is bigger than myself or any individual. It would not have taken me long to tell each person, alone and individually about what was going on. I knew I needed help.
     Really? with as big of a mouth as I have, do I need any more protection than I have. No one in this world watches my back better than I do. But, I will tell you, Clyde runs a very close 2nd, and NO ONE else comes near! Anyway, almost immediately, I was telling people who I felt needed to know, “don’t tell ***** any secrets, he doesn’t keep them.” It was a reaction to a perceived betrayal. 
     I knew I was angry over the betrayal of the information pertaining to my health, and my body being distributed before I was ready. I also knew I had the right to privacy. This was a man that I trusted, as if he were……. (for those who truly know me this comes as no shock at all) (drum roll)…my father!! I’ve been trying for most of my life, to find a father I could trust.

This morning I got an email, that didn’t say he was sorry, but said, Jesus loves us both. Thank you for that! (I am quite aware)
     In what seems like a completely unrelated matter, this morning, in the waking hours (not that I got any sleep), I remembered the awful scene where my father basically fed my pet rabbit, Blackie, to his Greyhound. During a dog race, the dog is chasing a ‘rabbit.’ These days not real ones. But, in those days, and probably today too, they are taught to chase the rabbits with REAL rabbits. 
     My sister also had a pet rabbit. My father did not touch hers. 
The problem at the time, is that I was home and was not ignorant of what was going on. I heard my pet’s screams. I knew what the dog needed to learn. But, I was by that point already a master of hiding the truth from myself.  I cried. I was heartbroken. And I brushed it aside. When I finally asked where my rabbit was I was told a dog jumped into the yard, opened the rabbit cage, and killed the rabbit. Little girls have school, and friends, and other things to do. Life went on.

     Because of that experience and many others, my mind is very compartmentalized. I can look you straight in the eye and tell you my childhood was very good. And I can look you In the eye, believing it both ways, and tell you my childhood was very, very bad. I rarely, and not until recently did I say both view points in the same conversation, but they are both the truth in the moment that I speak them. The fact that both statements in this essay, shows that to some degree, I have integrated the reality of that situation.

     At age of 32 after major betrayals by step father, and husband (at that time)- memories came flooding back (PTSD!). I remembered the sound of my pets screams. Probably as she was ripped to pieces. (I really don’t know that part though). I asked my mother about it. She confirmed the memory and added more to the story. She boiled my pet rabbit down and used it for a college project!!!!! I believe she thought she was protecting me as a child. I wasn’t supposed to know any of it at the time. 
This morning, I came to the realization that part of the issue with the pet rabbit is that at the time, and at age 32 I felt betrayed by both of my parents. Then this morning, I realize, that I probably ate my pet rabbit, because knowing my mother and father, why waste the damn thing!

     Want to talk about a TRIGGER?! We NEVER KNOW what another human being has experienced. Nor do we know how well the experience was processed. Was it handled with love and compassion or was it flat out ignored and denied. What in the world is a child who is unguided to make of a situation like that? And who can blame the adult who unwittingly as a child protected herself with her mind — the only defense she had!

     I have said it before and I will say it again. I have found my voice. I will NOT comply when I am pretty sure that I am on the right track, especially when I have bounced off others and they feel that I am heading in the right direction. Nuff said.

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An Experiment in Poetry

I think about you every day…

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